Whether it's music, sports, or academics, extra-curricular activities still tend to be under-emphasized in the education system.
Yes, even high school football.
Fifty years ago, reading, writing, and arithmetic were all you needed to survive in the modern world, or so said my grandparents.
Yeah, so was wood shop. Try finding someone to do carpentry work nowadays. You used to be able to find one in every town. You're lucky if you can find one in your neighborhood that isn't backlogged with a ton of work or doesn't do it solely as a hobby.
But I digress.
Fifty years ago, work was plentiful in this country. Jobs were here, not outsourced overseas. What we consumed was what we made with our own hands.
In short, if you could read and write, you could fill out a job application. If you learned a trade, you usually did so in the military, and then went to work for a company or struck out on your own as an independent. Simple arithmetic was enough.
Now we're global. The jobs we thought would last forever, are no more. We've had to work harder at getting smarter. The 'muscle' jobs are using the muscles between our ears instead of our torsos. Oh, and don't get me started on the so-called 'new math'. I had enough trouble with the old.
So what's the point of all this?
Everything of our development, right down to the smallest detail, is important in order to stay competitive in a rapidly-tightening job market.
Time magazine's Lance Morrow once wrote: "to work for mere survival is desperate...to work for a better life for one's children and grandchildren lends the labor a fierce dignity."
No parent worth his salt wants any less than that. De-emphasizing the arts and extracurricular activities are counter-productive, especially in today's world.
Being part of a team or group strengthens a child's social skills, and in some cases, can foster leadership in some clubs or teams, which translates into stronger value in the job market. It also means that your child is capable of working well with others and can think and act 'outside the box', even if it's outside the limits of their own comfort zone.
Then there are long-term benefits. Exposure to clubs and teams also means scholarship availabilities to those who perform strongly. The ability to go to college for those whose families are of modest means, and rise above economic challenges.
Most schools have a Key Club, which is a service organization of Kiwanis International. This promotes the value of community service through volunteerism.
And most students who do join clubs are more likely to give back to their communities in their adult years. Even if it doesn't mean a college education. This may be through serving on town council, school board, or even as a volunteer fireman.
In short, what your son or daughter does in school now will play a part, however large or small, in what they will grow into as an adult.
Involvement and interaction are always positive, and should never be understated. Today's Math Team member can be tomorrow's nuclear physicist. Today's second-string linebacker can be tomorrow's high school athletic director. Today's first-chair tenor can be tomorrow's opera star. Even today's Rod and Gun Club member can be tomorrow's wildlife conservationist.
And today's cynic can be tomorrow's proudest parent.
NOTE: "Old School Dad" will be on hiatus until Sunday, January 8th.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
E-based Education...Part II
You've heard the cons of cyber-based education in last week's column.
Now for the pros.
In urban centers of population, school safety is of a greater concern to parents. Those who want to know where their kid is are left no guesswork between what happens between their front door and the classroom door.
Kids in urban areas who do enroll in cyber schools will still get some form of social interaction, and it will be for the most part, positive.
In urban areas, neighborhoods are often tight-knight, with neighbors more likely to 'look out' for one another, as opposed to suburbanites. Communities tend to be stronger, especially in churches.
Urban schools typically have larger class sizes, with struggling students often unable to get additional help they need from a teacher in order to keep up with their classmates.
There's also more in-class distractions, like back in your own days at school, where that annoying kid behind you who keeps bothering you with statements like 'what did he/she say' while you're trying to concentrate on the lesson yourself.
Cyber schools can be beneficial, provided that you take a proactive role as a partner in your child's education.
Here's just a few examples:
If you work outside the home, and no full-time caregiver is present during cyber-class times, then this isn't going to work out. No matter what age, your child must be supervised and ensured that they're spending class time on study and study alone. This form of education must be conducted in an environment that is conducive to study.
Keep a routine that's typical as if your child was getting ready to board a bus for public or private school. This includes bathing, breakfast, and dressing. Yes, that means being fully dressed as if they were entering the classroom, and no snacks, food or drink at their class area. Toys too.
Lunchtime must be structured as if at school, with a designated start and end time, with recess included in that.
Now here come the questions.
The cyber school itself must be studied carefully. Who's giving the lessons? Are they state-certified teachers that go through continuing education as they would if they were in a typical brick-and-mortar school? Or are they little more than glorified tutors?
Is the curriculum accepted by the state's Board of Education? How are they rated?
The diploma that your child will ultimately receive...how will it stand the test of time?
Will it bear the name of the cyber-school, or the name of the district that your family resides in? The latter ultimately carries more weight, especially when planning for post-secondary education at a typical four-year college or university.
How will a higher education institution obtain transcripts? Through the district or the cyber school? If it's the latter, what will happen to those transcripts if that institution folds?
This is especially important if your child wishes to pursue graduate work later in life, or has their undergrad studies interrupted for whatever reason.
Whatever route you choose for your child's education, it's a decision never to be taken lightly, with all avenues painstakingly considered to determine what ultimately will be in your son or daughter's best interests.
NEXT WEEK: The importance of extra-curricular activity
Now for the pros.
In urban centers of population, school safety is of a greater concern to parents. Those who want to know where their kid is are left no guesswork between what happens between their front door and the classroom door.
Kids in urban areas who do enroll in cyber schools will still get some form of social interaction, and it will be for the most part, positive.
In urban areas, neighborhoods are often tight-knight, with neighbors more likely to 'look out' for one another, as opposed to suburbanites. Communities tend to be stronger, especially in churches.
Urban schools typically have larger class sizes, with struggling students often unable to get additional help they need from a teacher in order to keep up with their classmates.
There's also more in-class distractions, like back in your own days at school, where that annoying kid behind you who keeps bothering you with statements like 'what did he/she say' while you're trying to concentrate on the lesson yourself.
Cyber schools can be beneficial, provided that you take a proactive role as a partner in your child's education.
Here's just a few examples:
If you work outside the home, and no full-time caregiver is present during cyber-class times, then this isn't going to work out. No matter what age, your child must be supervised and ensured that they're spending class time on study and study alone. This form of education must be conducted in an environment that is conducive to study.
Keep a routine that's typical as if your child was getting ready to board a bus for public or private school. This includes bathing, breakfast, and dressing. Yes, that means being fully dressed as if they were entering the classroom, and no snacks, food or drink at their class area. Toys too.
Lunchtime must be structured as if at school, with a designated start and end time, with recess included in that.
Now here come the questions.
The cyber school itself must be studied carefully. Who's giving the lessons? Are they state-certified teachers that go through continuing education as they would if they were in a typical brick-and-mortar school? Or are they little more than glorified tutors?
Is the curriculum accepted by the state's Board of Education? How are they rated?
The diploma that your child will ultimately receive...how will it stand the test of time?
Will it bear the name of the cyber-school, or the name of the district that your family resides in? The latter ultimately carries more weight, especially when planning for post-secondary education at a typical four-year college or university.
How will a higher education institution obtain transcripts? Through the district or the cyber school? If it's the latter, what will happen to those transcripts if that institution folds?
This is especially important if your child wishes to pursue graduate work later in life, or has their undergrad studies interrupted for whatever reason.
Whatever route you choose for your child's education, it's a decision never to be taken lightly, with all avenues painstakingly considered to determine what ultimately will be in your son or daughter's best interests.
NEXT WEEK: The importance of extra-curricular activity
Sunday, November 20, 2011
E-based Education...Part I
Considering a cyber school?
Why or why not?
What's wrong with public schools? Or private schools?
Home-based education is nothing new...the religious right first made it popular in the 80s and 90s, wanting to home-school their children, and it was a request that districts in many cases, could not deny, as religious freedom is protected by our beloved U.S. Constitution.
Prior to that, homebound instruction was limited to students either physically or mentally challenged to the point where they could not function in a typical classroom environment.
Today, that's given way to cyber-education. And I hear a variety of reasons behind it.
More parents are advocating cyber schools and other forms of online education. While intentions may be good, here's a few reasons why it isn't.
"Book smarts" aren't enough to function in today's workplace. That's right, what we call "street smarts" are just as important, if not more.
And you only learn those in a social setting. It's the stuff that can't be taught from a textbook nor graded fairly if it was.
You may recall a scene in the original "The Karate Kid", where Ralph Macchio is witnessed by Randee Heller throwing his BMX bike in a dumpster, with his bullied character, Daniel LaRusso, stating that he doesn't understand 'the rules'. Randee's character Lucille takes him home and says 'we'll figure out the rules'.
The Rules.
That social hierarchy that separates the classes of kids, and makes the difference between getting to class on time or having your jockey shorts run up the flagpole against your will.
Yes, there are standards against bullying. Kids are subject to harassment either live or in person. Some are the bullies while others are bullied.
Either way, locking your kid up in the house because you think you're 'protecting' them from the outside world, isn't doing them any favors.
Unless you want them jobless, playing video games and living in your basement well into their thirties.
Your child needs to function in a typical social setting...that means a setting that you, as a parent, have no control over. That includes adverse conditions that require quick thinking and actions. Things that one day might save your child's life.
That means your child mixing with different socio-economic groups. They need to see things from a perspective other than their own, and be willing to embrace the thoughts and ideas of others.
In short, realizing that life isn't always fair. We don't always get our own way or what we want when we want it.
Comedian Redd Foxx best described his relationship with his wife in this manner:
She says..."I want what I want when I want it!"
He says..."You're gonna get what I got when I got it."
This carries over into adulthood and the business world.
Lest anyone accuse me of bias, I'm going to tackle the other side of this issue next week.
You've already heard the cons. We'll address the pros a week from today.
NEXT WEEK: The Pros of Cyber Education
Why or why not?
What's wrong with public schools? Or private schools?
Home-based education is nothing new...the religious right first made it popular in the 80s and 90s, wanting to home-school their children, and it was a request that districts in many cases, could not deny, as religious freedom is protected by our beloved U.S. Constitution.
Prior to that, homebound instruction was limited to students either physically or mentally challenged to the point where they could not function in a typical classroom environment.
Today, that's given way to cyber-education. And I hear a variety of reasons behind it.
More parents are advocating cyber schools and other forms of online education. While intentions may be good, here's a few reasons why it isn't.
"Book smarts" aren't enough to function in today's workplace. That's right, what we call "street smarts" are just as important, if not more.
And you only learn those in a social setting. It's the stuff that can't be taught from a textbook nor graded fairly if it was.
You may recall a scene in the original "The Karate Kid", where Ralph Macchio is witnessed by Randee Heller throwing his BMX bike in a dumpster, with his bullied character, Daniel LaRusso, stating that he doesn't understand 'the rules'. Randee's character Lucille takes him home and says 'we'll figure out the rules'.
The Rules.
That social hierarchy that separates the classes of kids, and makes the difference between getting to class on time or having your jockey shorts run up the flagpole against your will.
Yes, there are standards against bullying. Kids are subject to harassment either live or in person. Some are the bullies while others are bullied.
Either way, locking your kid up in the house because you think you're 'protecting' them from the outside world, isn't doing them any favors.
Unless you want them jobless, playing video games and living in your basement well into their thirties.
Your child needs to function in a typical social setting...that means a setting that you, as a parent, have no control over. That includes adverse conditions that require quick thinking and actions. Things that one day might save your child's life.
That means your child mixing with different socio-economic groups. They need to see things from a perspective other than their own, and be willing to embrace the thoughts and ideas of others.
In short, realizing that life isn't always fair. We don't always get our own way or what we want when we want it.
Comedian Redd Foxx best described his relationship with his wife in this manner:
She says..."I want what I want when I want it!"
He says..."You're gonna get what I got when I got it."
This carries over into adulthood and the business world.
Lest anyone accuse me of bias, I'm going to tackle the other side of this issue next week.
You've already heard the cons. We'll address the pros a week from today.
NEXT WEEK: The Pros of Cyber Education
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Here Come Da Judge
A family law judge in McAllen, Texas recently came under fire for the captured-on-video beating of his then sixteen-year-old daughter.
For those of you who haven't seen the video, Judge William Adams wears out a belt on his daughter Hillary, reportedly because the teenager was downloading pirated materials through the now-shuttered file-sharing service once known as Kazaa.
He enters her bedroom with a belt in hand, ordering her to get on her stomach, and when she doesn't, he proceeds to strike her on the legs and other places on her body with said belt. "The big one" as he tells his wife when she goes to retrieve it.
As a journalist, I know there are certain standards with regards to objectivity, because I have researched this case thoroughly. I know that Hillary was in many ways, a spoiled little brat who didn't seem to get the gravity of her actions, and said little else other than "stop" to her father as he was beating her. She also waited until Daddy took away her Mercedes and threatened to cut off financial support in reaction to her dropping out of school, to release the now-seven-year-old video footage.
But did she deserve THIS?
Why didn't Judge Adams and wife Hallie simply take away the computer? Didn't work? Why didn't they take everything out of her room other than clothes and the bed? Still nothing? Why didn't they take her bedroom door off the hinges?
What makes this case even more appalling is that Judge Adams is a family court judge...presiding over cases like juvenile justice, adoption, crimes by parents against children. Did he not see injustice by his own hand?
As an educated man, I would have expected Judge Adams to have taken a more psychological approach in dealing with his daughter before resorting to such brutality.
Because that's exactly what it is. Was all this really necessary?
Hillary Adams was clearly no physical match for her father. And from what I saw, not much for her mother, either. Yet she was savagely beaten like a rented mule.
If you're a firm believer in corporal punishment, like I am, here's where the line is drawn. This is important for everyone to know.
Reasonable force.
Translation: use only the force your own arm can provide.
No "weapons" of any kind. This includes (but not limited to) belts, broom handles, tennis rackets, boards, bats, chains, rolling pins, purses or...closed fists.
Keep all physical punishment contained to the buttocks.
But most importantly is this:
Corporal punishment should only be used as an absolute final resort, and NEVER as a first line of defense.
And never, ever, when you're angry.
As for the judge being judged, don't look for that to happen, as the clock ran out long ago for charges to be brought against him...even at the federal level.
But the damage has been done. Judge Adams is up for re-election in three years, and any bid to return to the bench would result in this being dredged up by a potential opponent.
He's already been tried in the court of public opinion...and found guilty.
I hope that some good can come out of this. That parents who go too far in disciplining their children will not only suffer, but so will their families.
And I hope the judge will someday learn this and rebuild his fractured family.
And that Hillary Adams can move on with her life and become a productive member of society, despite a rather tormented past.
NEXT WEEK: Cyber-schools...a good idea?
For those of you who haven't seen the video, Judge William Adams wears out a belt on his daughter Hillary, reportedly because the teenager was downloading pirated materials through the now-shuttered file-sharing service once known as Kazaa.
He enters her bedroom with a belt in hand, ordering her to get on her stomach, and when she doesn't, he proceeds to strike her on the legs and other places on her body with said belt. "The big one" as he tells his wife when she goes to retrieve it.
As a journalist, I know there are certain standards with regards to objectivity, because I have researched this case thoroughly. I know that Hillary was in many ways, a spoiled little brat who didn't seem to get the gravity of her actions, and said little else other than "stop" to her father as he was beating her. She also waited until Daddy took away her Mercedes and threatened to cut off financial support in reaction to her dropping out of school, to release the now-seven-year-old video footage.
But did she deserve THIS?
Why didn't Judge Adams and wife Hallie simply take away the computer? Didn't work? Why didn't they take everything out of her room other than clothes and the bed? Still nothing? Why didn't they take her bedroom door off the hinges?
What makes this case even more appalling is that Judge Adams is a family court judge...presiding over cases like juvenile justice, adoption, crimes by parents against children. Did he not see injustice by his own hand?
As an educated man, I would have expected Judge Adams to have taken a more psychological approach in dealing with his daughter before resorting to such brutality.
Because that's exactly what it is. Was all this really necessary?
Hillary Adams was clearly no physical match for her father. And from what I saw, not much for her mother, either. Yet she was savagely beaten like a rented mule.
If you're a firm believer in corporal punishment, like I am, here's where the line is drawn. This is important for everyone to know.
Reasonable force.
Translation: use only the force your own arm can provide.
No "weapons" of any kind. This includes (but not limited to) belts, broom handles, tennis rackets, boards, bats, chains, rolling pins, purses or...closed fists.
Keep all physical punishment contained to the buttocks.
But most importantly is this:
Corporal punishment should only be used as an absolute final resort, and NEVER as a first line of defense.
And never, ever, when you're angry.
As for the judge being judged, don't look for that to happen, as the clock ran out long ago for charges to be brought against him...even at the federal level.
But the damage has been done. Judge Adams is up for re-election in three years, and any bid to return to the bench would result in this being dredged up by a potential opponent.
He's already been tried in the court of public opinion...and found guilty.
I hope that some good can come out of this. That parents who go too far in disciplining their children will not only suffer, but so will their families.
And I hope the judge will someday learn this and rebuild his fractured family.
And that Hillary Adams can move on with her life and become a productive member of society, despite a rather tormented past.
NEXT WEEK: Cyber-schools...a good idea?
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Calling a Time-out
The first reference to a 'time out' when it came to parenting, wasn't a form of discipline, contrary to popular belief.
It was a form of restraint.
For parents.
The Ad Council conceived a public service campaign called "Take Time Out...Don't Take it Out on Your Kid" at the beginning of the 1990s.
Why do we call our kids on the carpet and put them in 'time out'?
To make them think about what they did wrong.
How many of us take time out to think about what we're doing wrong as parents?
Or how we can be better?
Words and especially how we deliver them, can have the same impact as a physical blow.
The physical blows will eventually heal. The emotional ones run deeper and take a longer amount of time. If ever.
How many times have you lost patience with your son or daughter? While you may not have physically unloaded on them, but you shouted a barrage of four-letter words in their way?
Either way, you've lost control.
When you're on the verge of losing it, walk away.
Get a hold of yourself.
Count to ten if you have to.
Then return to the situation.
Put the child in time out.
In case you're wondering how long, go by age. Two years old, two minutes. Five years old, five minutes.
Then return to them.
Ask them if they know why they were put in time out.
If they say yes, ask them to tell you.
And remember your tone when speaking.
Explain future consequences and why it's important for them to do what they're told.
And always end the conversation with a hug and a kiss.
Because it's still important to let your child know that they're not bad.
They're still good...all they did was a bad thing.
Yes, there is a difference.
NEXT WEEK: Judge to be Judged
It was a form of restraint.
For parents.
The Ad Council conceived a public service campaign called "Take Time Out...Don't Take it Out on Your Kid" at the beginning of the 1990s.
Why do we call our kids on the carpet and put them in 'time out'?
To make them think about what they did wrong.
How many of us take time out to think about what we're doing wrong as parents?
Or how we can be better?
Words and especially how we deliver them, can have the same impact as a physical blow.
The physical blows will eventually heal. The emotional ones run deeper and take a longer amount of time. If ever.
How many times have you lost patience with your son or daughter? While you may not have physically unloaded on them, but you shouted a barrage of four-letter words in their way?
Either way, you've lost control.
When you're on the verge of losing it, walk away.
Get a hold of yourself.
Count to ten if you have to.
Then return to the situation.
Put the child in time out.
In case you're wondering how long, go by age. Two years old, two minutes. Five years old, five minutes.
Then return to them.
Ask them if they know why they were put in time out.
If they say yes, ask them to tell you.
And remember your tone when speaking.
Explain future consequences and why it's important for them to do what they're told.
And always end the conversation with a hug and a kiss.
Because it's still important to let your child know that they're not bad.
They're still good...all they did was a bad thing.
Yes, there is a difference.
NEXT WEEK: Judge to be Judged
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Father Knows Breast
After learning my wife was pregnant, then came the planning.
No drugs during the delivery, and the baby would be breast-fed.
Before we go any further, I want to insert the disclaimer that these
were strictly my wife's decisions. I simply went along for the ride.
All I'll say at this point is that she ended up getting the epidural with
mere moments to spare, and our child was on formula the second day
home from the hospital.
That was the time I took a stand.
The crying fits that my daughter was experiencing was enough to make
me want to drive our Jeep off the nearest cliff I could find. Were we
risking her health by insisting that the old-fashioned way was the only way
and 'too bad so sad' if Margie's body wasn't fully cooperating with Savannah's
nutritional needs?
Centuries ago, there was no formula. It was done the old-fashioned way.
But centuries ago, you were lucky to have lived past forty.
The non-stop crying literally left me with the DT's on that second night.
She had paused her crying only to allow herself time from her head to go back
to crimson red from purple. Then she would start right back up again.
We finally got her to sleep, because she had cried away all her strength.
As Margie came downstairs, she asked what was wrong.
"We gotta do something about this," I said pleadingly. "This just can't go on."
Much to my surprise, Margie capitulated without any argument.
We went out and bought formula and bottles the next day. She actually needlessly apologized to me for it.
This is how selfless my wife is.
Yet it never ceases to amaze me how many people feel otherwise.
And sometimes I wonder about the Gerber GoodStarts people and any other formula producer, which prints "breast milk is best" on the label.
Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Pun intended.
It's not enough to take our money, but lay a guilty trip on us too?
Experts say it's healthier to breast-feed a child. But moms today have careers and are having children later in life. There's nothing wrong with that.
And it's time for society to shift gears. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta wake up.
What a mother puts into her body can go into the body of her breast-fed child. Even the experts who say 'trace amounts' of alcohol or OTC medicines don't matter, there exists several 'what-ifs'.
And with all the developmental disabilities that children are diagnosed with these days, who'd want to take that chance?
And forego your own health in the process?
I've always said if a parent doesn't take care of themselves properly, how can they do the same with a baby?
It only makes sense. It's why during the safety drill on most airline flights, flight attendants tell you to assist yourself with the oxygen mask before your child.
This is not being selfish. You have a responsibility to keep yourself for the sake of your child in your role as caregiver.
Please think of this the next time you take an irresponsible swipe at a parent who does things a little differently than you.
NEXT WEEK: The Time for Time-outs
No drugs during the delivery, and the baby would be breast-fed.
Before we go any further, I want to insert the disclaimer that these
were strictly my wife's decisions. I simply went along for the ride.
All I'll say at this point is that she ended up getting the epidural with
mere moments to spare, and our child was on formula the second day
home from the hospital.
That was the time I took a stand.
The crying fits that my daughter was experiencing was enough to make
me want to drive our Jeep off the nearest cliff I could find. Were we
risking her health by insisting that the old-fashioned way was the only way
and 'too bad so sad' if Margie's body wasn't fully cooperating with Savannah's
nutritional needs?
Centuries ago, there was no formula. It was done the old-fashioned way.
But centuries ago, you were lucky to have lived past forty.
The non-stop crying literally left me with the DT's on that second night.
She had paused her crying only to allow herself time from her head to go back
to crimson red from purple. Then she would start right back up again.
We finally got her to sleep, because she had cried away all her strength.
As Margie came downstairs, she asked what was wrong.
"We gotta do something about this," I said pleadingly. "This just can't go on."
Much to my surprise, Margie capitulated without any argument.
We went out and bought formula and bottles the next day. She actually needlessly apologized to me for it.
This is how selfless my wife is.
Yet it never ceases to amaze me how many people feel otherwise.
And sometimes I wonder about the Gerber GoodStarts people and any other formula producer, which prints "breast milk is best" on the label.
Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Pun intended.
It's not enough to take our money, but lay a guilty trip on us too?
Experts say it's healthier to breast-feed a child. But moms today have careers and are having children later in life. There's nothing wrong with that.
And it's time for society to shift gears. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta wake up.
What a mother puts into her body can go into the body of her breast-fed child. Even the experts who say 'trace amounts' of alcohol or OTC medicines don't matter, there exists several 'what-ifs'.
And with all the developmental disabilities that children are diagnosed with these days, who'd want to take that chance?
And forego your own health in the process?
I've always said if a parent doesn't take care of themselves properly, how can they do the same with a baby?
It only makes sense. It's why during the safety drill on most airline flights, flight attendants tell you to assist yourself with the oxygen mask before your child.
This is not being selfish. You have a responsibility to keep yourself for the sake of your child in your role as caregiver.
Please think of this the next time you take an irresponsible swipe at a parent who does things a little differently than you.
NEXT WEEK: The Time for Time-outs
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Treat Your Kids to A Good Halloween
Though it's beginning to fall out of practice today in many communities, there are still many where Trick-or-Treat night is still the Holy Grail for free candy.
I feel the need to tell you all that the key to a problem-free trick-or-treat night all comes down to good costuming, and perhaps a little etiquette along the way.
As the name implies, the kid plays a trick on the poor sap who doesn't have candy at the ready on the night of the blessed (pun intended) event.
They can range from corning, soaping windows, and toilet-papering to even more extreme tricks.
The more extreme can land your kid in juvenile court.
Some people just aren't into the whole trick-or-treat concept. They may even react negatively to the presence of kids on their porch.
And your kids need to be cognizant of this.
Most parents stick to the pretext of having their kids scout for candy in their own communities at the homes of people they know.
Know this...playing tricks on your neighbors, especially nowadays, just ain't cool.
Because the tricks are getting more extreme.
Having read police blotters over the course of my career, 'tricks' have involved flattening tires, poisoning outside pet feed dishes, throwing stones at windows, and keying vehicles.
None of this ever was, is now, or ever will be, OK.
And your kids need to know this as well.
Because an 'innocent' prank or otherwise, can land them before a juvenile court judge.
Tell your kids to only approach neighborhoods with illuminated porch lights, and for those saps who have lights on simply because they let the dog out, do the classy thing.
Walk away. Even if the guilty party isn't very nice about it.
Take time to examine your kids' candy before they eat it. This is for your sake as well as theirs.
After all, you need to take a mental inventory.
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers Bars, M&Ms.
For when they're at school and you know where they keep it.
You can insert your own evil laugh here.
My dad showed mercy. He only wanted the Black Jacks, Bit-O-Honeys, and Butterscotch disks.
Yeah, he can have those.
I guess I can part with the Cracker Jacks too.
NEXT WEEK: Breast-feeding...right idea, wrong time.
I feel the need to tell you all that the key to a problem-free trick-or-treat night all comes down to good costuming, and perhaps a little etiquette along the way.
As the name implies, the kid plays a trick on the poor sap who doesn't have candy at the ready on the night of the blessed (pun intended) event.
They can range from corning, soaping windows, and toilet-papering to even more extreme tricks.
The more extreme can land your kid in juvenile court.
Some people just aren't into the whole trick-or-treat concept. They may even react negatively to the presence of kids on their porch.
And your kids need to be cognizant of this.
Most parents stick to the pretext of having their kids scout for candy in their own communities at the homes of people they know.
Know this...playing tricks on your neighbors, especially nowadays, just ain't cool.
Because the tricks are getting more extreme.
Having read police blotters over the course of my career, 'tricks' have involved flattening tires, poisoning outside pet feed dishes, throwing stones at windows, and keying vehicles.
None of this ever was, is now, or ever will be, OK.
And your kids need to know this as well.
Because an 'innocent' prank or otherwise, can land them before a juvenile court judge.
Tell your kids to only approach neighborhoods with illuminated porch lights, and for those saps who have lights on simply because they let the dog out, do the classy thing.
Walk away. Even if the guilty party isn't very nice about it.
Take time to examine your kids' candy before they eat it. This is for your sake as well as theirs.
After all, you need to take a mental inventory.
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers Bars, M&Ms.
For when they're at school and you know where they keep it.
You can insert your own evil laugh here.
My dad showed mercy. He only wanted the Black Jacks, Bit-O-Honeys, and Butterscotch disks.
Yeah, he can have those.
I guess I can part with the Cracker Jacks too.
NEXT WEEK: Breast-feeding...right idea, wrong time.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
If it Ain't Broke, it Ain't Ours
Jeff Foxworthy addressed this in one of his standup shows back in the 90s.
"We just can't have nice things!" is what his mother laments after Jeff and his brother break their dad's Jack Daniels Elvis decanter.
Here's one for you...you can.
My best friend has two daughters. Girly but tomboyish at the same time. They have a beautiful home, knick-knacks galore, nice furniture and electronics, and a house that doesn't look like a tornado blew through it.
I say this because I can come by unannounced and the place still gets Good Housekeeping's seal of approval.
It started at an early age with their firstborn.
Their mother, despite raising two children, still finds time to keep her house clean. It's something you make time for. While your spare time becomes a premium after the kids come, how you keep your home influences housekeeping skills later in life.
When her first daughter came, as she vacuumed her floor, her daughter was right behind her with her toy vacuum cleaner, attempting to pick up what Mommy might have missed.
And in our home, our daughter knows what to touch and what not to.
And if she has a hard time differentiating, we simply put it out of reach.
Knick-knacks are one thing.
A $650 iPhone or iPad is another.
And our 50-inch plasma LCD TV is protected with a TVArmor shield. Spend $180 now, rather than the $1100 later after the kid uses the telly for target practice.
More than this, you need to teach your children what's off limits.
And do it properly.
Tell them why they can't touch certain things.
Because they break easy. Telling them because "it's mine" will open up an even bigger can of worms for you to deal with.
And it's important to respect the property of others. If they know the rules at home, they know it elsewhere too.
Remind them that this is why you buy them toys.
The unspoken reason they don't need to know.
So they leave your stuff alone.
They'll eventually figure it out.
And it'll be when they have kids of their own.
So now's the time to hide that Elvis decanter.
NEXT WEEK: Trick-or-treat
"We just can't have nice things!" is what his mother laments after Jeff and his brother break their dad's Jack Daniels Elvis decanter.
Here's one for you...you can.
My best friend has two daughters. Girly but tomboyish at the same time. They have a beautiful home, knick-knacks galore, nice furniture and electronics, and a house that doesn't look like a tornado blew through it.
I say this because I can come by unannounced and the place still gets Good Housekeeping's seal of approval.
It started at an early age with their firstborn.
Their mother, despite raising two children, still finds time to keep her house clean. It's something you make time for. While your spare time becomes a premium after the kids come, how you keep your home influences housekeeping skills later in life.
When her first daughter came, as she vacuumed her floor, her daughter was right behind her with her toy vacuum cleaner, attempting to pick up what Mommy might have missed.
And in our home, our daughter knows what to touch and what not to.
And if she has a hard time differentiating, we simply put it out of reach.
Knick-knacks are one thing.
A $650 iPhone or iPad is another.
And our 50-inch plasma LCD TV is protected with a TVArmor shield. Spend $180 now, rather than the $1100 later after the kid uses the telly for target practice.
More than this, you need to teach your children what's off limits.
And do it properly.
Tell them why they can't touch certain things.
Because they break easy. Telling them because "it's mine" will open up an even bigger can of worms for you to deal with.
And it's important to respect the property of others. If they know the rules at home, they know it elsewhere too.
Remind them that this is why you buy them toys.
The unspoken reason they don't need to know.
So they leave your stuff alone.
They'll eventually figure it out.
And it'll be when they have kids of their own.
So now's the time to hide that Elvis decanter.
NEXT WEEK: Trick-or-treat
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
After School Special
AUTHOR'S NOTE: On vacation last week.
What happens to your child after school?
Most often, it's a loud "I'm home!" followed by a Ho Chi Minh trail of backpacks, shoes, books, and jackets on the way to the refrigerator.
Or, it's off to athletic practice, band practice, or whatever extracurricular activity.
And some punch in.
However, fewer of them are doing it.
If you'll indulge me, allow me to put on my Grumpy Old Man hat for a moment.
In my day, if kids wanted money for this or that, they got an after-school job.
Those who didn't have an after-school job usually got an allowance, and if they wanted to keep it, they were expected to do their share and more around the house in order to earn it.
Now few do that these days.
It seems easier for parents just to hand their kid money arbitrarily. Thus they don't learn the value of it, thus breeding the founding generation of Future Freeloaders of America.
Coming to a school yearbook near you.
Most parents tell me it costs more money than ever to have a kid. Especially when they want their kids to have the latest gadgets and fads.
We're confusing want with need here. Do they really need all that?
The most often-heard excuse I hear is "I want them to concentrate on their schoolwork, not on having to go to work."
Here's my question...if your kid can't balance work and school successfully, do they DESERVE to have everything their peers do? I think not.
It appalls me when I see parents dishing out more than $10,000 for their kid's first car.
I got my first car when I was 14. Because my dad told me it would take at least two years for me to get it driveable and street-legal. If I saved enough, it would be ready in time.
And if not, there was always the bus.
If your son or daughter is hitting you up for more money it seems, then you need to have a sit-down with him or her and discuss your goals.
I said 'your', not 'their'.
What are their 'needs' exactly? Are we talking about library cards, photocopies, things that are in the interest of a better education? Or is it that $200 pair of Uggs they can't 'live' without?
What about college? Make sure they're aware that if they want to move away and live on campus, they'll be expected to contribute towards their 'incidentals'. If they want extra money, they have to work for it...on weekends, after school and in the summer.
It may sound corny, but a penny saved is still a penny earned.
If you'd rather your child not work outside of your home, make a list of responsibilities they're assigned to do around the house, along with an agreed amount of money. Whatever they don't complete, 'dock' them accordingly. Draw up your own contract if you have to.
And make sure they know that it's work first, money later. The same as in any business.
Because you're in business.
You're in the business of raising a child into a successful adult.
And it's time we see a better job insofar as a successful business.
NEXT WEEK: Yes, you CAN have nice things!
What happens to your child after school?
Most often, it's a loud "I'm home!" followed by a Ho Chi Minh trail of backpacks, shoes, books, and jackets on the way to the refrigerator.
Or, it's off to athletic practice, band practice, or whatever extracurricular activity.
And some punch in.
However, fewer of them are doing it.
If you'll indulge me, allow me to put on my Grumpy Old Man hat for a moment.
In my day, if kids wanted money for this or that, they got an after-school job.
Those who didn't have an after-school job usually got an allowance, and if they wanted to keep it, they were expected to do their share and more around the house in order to earn it.
Now few do that these days.
It seems easier for parents just to hand their kid money arbitrarily. Thus they don't learn the value of it, thus breeding the founding generation of Future Freeloaders of America.
Coming to a school yearbook near you.
Most parents tell me it costs more money than ever to have a kid. Especially when they want their kids to have the latest gadgets and fads.
We're confusing want with need here. Do they really need all that?
The most often-heard excuse I hear is "I want them to concentrate on their schoolwork, not on having to go to work."
Here's my question...if your kid can't balance work and school successfully, do they DESERVE to have everything their peers do? I think not.
It appalls me when I see parents dishing out more than $10,000 for their kid's first car.
I got my first car when I was 14. Because my dad told me it would take at least two years for me to get it driveable and street-legal. If I saved enough, it would be ready in time.
And if not, there was always the bus.
If your son or daughter is hitting you up for more money it seems, then you need to have a sit-down with him or her and discuss your goals.
I said 'your', not 'their'.
What are their 'needs' exactly? Are we talking about library cards, photocopies, things that are in the interest of a better education? Or is it that $200 pair of Uggs they can't 'live' without?
What about college? Make sure they're aware that if they want to move away and live on campus, they'll be expected to contribute towards their 'incidentals'. If they want extra money, they have to work for it...on weekends, after school and in the summer.
It may sound corny, but a penny saved is still a penny earned.
If you'd rather your child not work outside of your home, make a list of responsibilities they're assigned to do around the house, along with an agreed amount of money. Whatever they don't complete, 'dock' them accordingly. Draw up your own contract if you have to.
And make sure they know that it's work first, money later. The same as in any business.
Because you're in business.
You're in the business of raising a child into a successful adult.
And it's time we see a better job insofar as a successful business.
NEXT WEEK: Yes, you CAN have nice things!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Back to School...Part II
You know you want your child to go to college. Your child is probably looking forward to the experience as well.
Unfortunately, many young people drop out because they haven't prepared themselves adequately for the rigors of college academics.
The work is much more challenging than in a high school setting. And not being prepared for it can discourage your child from applying themselves and 'settling' for a life less than what they deserve.
So why not get a head start?
Come again?
A head start. On their post-secondary education.
When a child approaches his or her senior year, in most cases, they have almost all of the credits they need to graduate. So much of their classes end up being study halls.
Why not put that idle time to good use?
Many students, while seniors in high school, also take college course work.
They may take their requires classes during the morning hours, then leave at lunchtime and drive to their nearby college or university to get a head start on their "Gen-Ed" courses required for their major.
It has a two-fold purpose...to possibly earn an undergraduate degree early and to better structure their study habits for college-level coursework.
Talk the matter over with your son or daughter and get their input on how they feel about finishing college early.
If your child is an underclassman, talk to an admissions officer at said college or university. See if your child can take some of those courses over the summer prior to their senior year if they're so willing. And if they're undecided about a major, take the most interchangeable courses that can be used in all majors. Naturally, if this is done at the community college level, make sure that the college or university where they will matriculate accepts those courses.
Getting a head start in college means getting a head start in life.
And that means getting a head start on goals.
Among other things, that is.
NEXT WEEK: Afterschool Special
Unfortunately, many young people drop out because they haven't prepared themselves adequately for the rigors of college academics.
The work is much more challenging than in a high school setting. And not being prepared for it can discourage your child from applying themselves and 'settling' for a life less than what they deserve.
So why not get a head start?
Come again?
A head start. On their post-secondary education.
When a child approaches his or her senior year, in most cases, they have almost all of the credits they need to graduate. So much of their classes end up being study halls.
Why not put that idle time to good use?
Many students, while seniors in high school, also take college course work.
They may take their requires classes during the morning hours, then leave at lunchtime and drive to their nearby college or university to get a head start on their "Gen-Ed" courses required for their major.
It has a two-fold purpose...to possibly earn an undergraduate degree early and to better structure their study habits for college-level coursework.
Talk the matter over with your son or daughter and get their input on how they feel about finishing college early.
If your child is an underclassman, talk to an admissions officer at said college or university. See if your child can take some of those courses over the summer prior to their senior year if they're so willing. And if they're undecided about a major, take the most interchangeable courses that can be used in all majors. Naturally, if this is done at the community college level, make sure that the college or university where they will matriculate accepts those courses.
Getting a head start in college means getting a head start in life.
And that means getting a head start on goals.
Among other things, that is.
NEXT WEEK: Afterschool Special
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Back to School
"Hey Ken, no column for this week?"
I heard a few of those last week.
However, with it being the tenth anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks, I felt it was better to spend my time reflecting on those who died and those who died in service to save others who might have otherwise perished.
And as the kiddos head back to class, I take some time to think about the Senior Class of 2012.
What will they do? Or better yet, what will YOU do?
As much as I've complained about the younger generation, it always does me proud to see that young people still step up to the plate and choose a branch of our armed forces, to 'preserve, protect, and defend' the Constitution of the United States. Against all enemies, foreign or domestic.
With the recent call-ups we've had within the last twenty years for service to the Middle East, many parents have been reluctant to encourage their son or daughter to enlist in the military.
That's sad.
No one ever got rich in the military. Those that did were people like Oliver North, Colin Powell, Norman Swartzkopf, and others. They only profited after they got the book deals and media exclusives.
While the military these days offers incentives to sign up, those that do sign up do so because of a carefully-structured belief from the time they could walk, and not a paycheck.
The belief of sacrificing oneself for the greater good. That duty, discipline, courage and honor are still of value and are of utmost necessity when it comes to answering the call to keeping our country free and fighting for others who can't fight for themselves.
But many young people are discouraged from this by their own families, who try to sway them towards college and then marriage and family.
Nobody wants their kid shipped home in a box. Especially me. Though women aren't fighting in the foxholes side by side with men, the day will soon come that they will be doing just that.
If you're one of those people trying to steer your son or daughter away from the military, as a career or short-term enlistment, consider this.
Time for Military 101. Class is now in session.
Enlisting in the military does not mean that your kid will automatically get sent to the front lines with a rifle in his hand in times of war. That was never the case prior to 1973, and it's not the case now.
MOS, or Military Occupation Specialty, is what happens after basic training ends. Those who sign up for 'infantry', or 'artillery' can count on going to the front lines.
Those who sign up. Not forced.
As an American, I would not want a soldier sent to the front lines against his will.
If your kid signs up for public affairs, they will be trained for that field. However, as part of their basic training, they'll already know how to fire a rifle, along with survival and other skills that a rifleman will be more likely called upon to use.
Because you never know when you'll be in a situation where those skills will come in handy.
It's all about being able to think on your feet and be ready to react quickly in situations that demand a fast-decision and an even faster act.
Those are skills your child will need later in life. And possibly save a life in the process. Including their own.
Naturally, none of this guarantees their safety. But at the same time, neither does civilian life. They could die simply being in a certain place at the wrong time.
Some of the most successful people in this country served in the Armed Forces. Here's just a few examples:
Drew Carey, USMC
Jimi Hendrix, US Army
Bill Cosby, US Navy
Gene Autry, USAF
Any questions?
Class dismissed.
To those of you who have served, thank you. For those of you with a son or daughter in the service, thank you and thank them for me.
To those of you with a son or daughter considering an enlistment, I hope that what I've told you today will give you a clearer understanding and that you will willingly support your child's decision, whatever it is.
At ease.
NEXT WEEK: College-bound...before college
I heard a few of those last week.
However, with it being the tenth anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks, I felt it was better to spend my time reflecting on those who died and those who died in service to save others who might have otherwise perished.
And as the kiddos head back to class, I take some time to think about the Senior Class of 2012.
What will they do? Or better yet, what will YOU do?
As much as I've complained about the younger generation, it always does me proud to see that young people still step up to the plate and choose a branch of our armed forces, to 'preserve, protect, and defend' the Constitution of the United States. Against all enemies, foreign or domestic.
With the recent call-ups we've had within the last twenty years for service to the Middle East, many parents have been reluctant to encourage their son or daughter to enlist in the military.
That's sad.
No one ever got rich in the military. Those that did were people like Oliver North, Colin Powell, Norman Swartzkopf, and others. They only profited after they got the book deals and media exclusives.
While the military these days offers incentives to sign up, those that do sign up do so because of a carefully-structured belief from the time they could walk, and not a paycheck.
The belief of sacrificing oneself for the greater good. That duty, discipline, courage and honor are still of value and are of utmost necessity when it comes to answering the call to keeping our country free and fighting for others who can't fight for themselves.
But many young people are discouraged from this by their own families, who try to sway them towards college and then marriage and family.
Nobody wants their kid shipped home in a box. Especially me. Though women aren't fighting in the foxholes side by side with men, the day will soon come that they will be doing just that.
If you're one of those people trying to steer your son or daughter away from the military, as a career or short-term enlistment, consider this.
Time for Military 101. Class is now in session.
Enlisting in the military does not mean that your kid will automatically get sent to the front lines with a rifle in his hand in times of war. That was never the case prior to 1973, and it's not the case now.
MOS, or Military Occupation Specialty, is what happens after basic training ends. Those who sign up for 'infantry', or 'artillery' can count on going to the front lines.
Those who sign up. Not forced.
As an American, I would not want a soldier sent to the front lines against his will.
If your kid signs up for public affairs, they will be trained for that field. However, as part of their basic training, they'll already know how to fire a rifle, along with survival and other skills that a rifleman will be more likely called upon to use.
Because you never know when you'll be in a situation where those skills will come in handy.
It's all about being able to think on your feet and be ready to react quickly in situations that demand a fast-decision and an even faster act.
Those are skills your child will need later in life. And possibly save a life in the process. Including their own.
Naturally, none of this guarantees their safety. But at the same time, neither does civilian life. They could die simply being in a certain place at the wrong time.
Some of the most successful people in this country served in the Armed Forces. Here's just a few examples:
Drew Carey, USMC
Jimi Hendrix, US Army
Bill Cosby, US Navy
Gene Autry, USAF
Any questions?
Class dismissed.
To those of you who have served, thank you. For those of you with a son or daughter in the service, thank you and thank them for me.
To those of you with a son or daughter considering an enlistment, I hope that what I've told you today will give you a clearer understanding and that you will willingly support your child's decision, whatever it is.
At ease.
NEXT WEEK: College-bound...before college
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Planning for Your Future
No, not for your child's future.
For once, this week's column is all about you.
But it's not about your financial future, either.
I'm talking about the afterlife.
Life after the family.
When the kids grow up. They graduate high school. Then off to college, where they're halfway out of the house. Then they get the job. Then their first apartment. Meet their partner. Buy the house and have the babies. Trade in the sports car for the sport-utility vehicle.
Sound familiar?
What's left for you?
The occasional Sunday visit, and maybe an occasional request to babysit your new grandkids.
But yes, you're back to just the two of you. You and your spouse.
What then?
Very sadly, I've seen a growing number of aging baby-boomers filing for divorce, no longer feeling a connection to his or her partner after more than 20 or even 30 years of marriage.
Marriage and parenting aren't easy. Both require work from both parties or the divorce lawyers are on the phone.
Broken homes happen at any age. While you may have waited until the kids were grown up and moved away to call it quits, grandkids are still affected, and holidays involve time split between parents, and adult children possibly having to get used to another partner in their aging parent's life.
This is why it's important to stay connected, no matter how much the rigors of parenting get in the way.
Make time for a 'date night'. If not once a week, then once a month. It's important to have time away from your kids and focus on the person who helped you bring them into this world.
Find those common interests you had prior to marriage and kids. Rediscover them. Leave the kids behind...literally and figuratively.
Focus on being a team, rather than an individual.
Because after the kids move out, all you have is each other.
And that ain't bad.
Provided you've done your job right.
NEXT WEEK: Back to School
For once, this week's column is all about you.
But it's not about your financial future, either.
I'm talking about the afterlife.
Life after the family.
When the kids grow up. They graduate high school. Then off to college, where they're halfway out of the house. Then they get the job. Then their first apartment. Meet their partner. Buy the house and have the babies. Trade in the sports car for the sport-utility vehicle.
Sound familiar?
What's left for you?
The occasional Sunday visit, and maybe an occasional request to babysit your new grandkids.
But yes, you're back to just the two of you. You and your spouse.
What then?
Very sadly, I've seen a growing number of aging baby-boomers filing for divorce, no longer feeling a connection to his or her partner after more than 20 or even 30 years of marriage.
Marriage and parenting aren't easy. Both require work from both parties or the divorce lawyers are on the phone.
Broken homes happen at any age. While you may have waited until the kids were grown up and moved away to call it quits, grandkids are still affected, and holidays involve time split between parents, and adult children possibly having to get used to another partner in their aging parent's life.
This is why it's important to stay connected, no matter how much the rigors of parenting get in the way.
Make time for a 'date night'. If not once a week, then once a month. It's important to have time away from your kids and focus on the person who helped you bring them into this world.
Find those common interests you had prior to marriage and kids. Rediscover them. Leave the kids behind...literally and figuratively.
Focus on being a team, rather than an individual.
Because after the kids move out, all you have is each other.
And that ain't bad.
Provided you've done your job right.
NEXT WEEK: Back to School
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Respect Yourself
My mind races back to the days when I played records on the radio.
There was one little ditty I especially remember...it was from a family gospel group that hit the charts with a pop crossover number in 1971.
The lyrics went something like this:
"If you disrespect everybody that you run into...how the world do you think anybody's supposed to respect you?"
Name that tune.
Staple Singers...Respect Yourself. Vocalist Mavis Staples went on to record the song played in the opening credits of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
Enough trivia.
But the song does make you think.
How many of you truly respect your children?
Think about that for a moment.
That doesn't mean cater to your child's every whim nor does it imply you should forfeit your rights as a parent to discipline your child properly.
It does however, mean that how you treat another adult shouldn't be much different than how you treat your child.
Hypothetical: You tell, not ask, your child to bring something to you, often in another room of the house. You might even yell for them to do it at the top of your lungs from across the house. Then you snatch it out of their hands because they didn't bring it fast enough to you. And you don't even so much as say 'thank you'.
Now you're at work. Would you treat a co-worker in this manner?
Of course not. Because you know the repercussions.
You might find yourself out of a job, and perhaps even with a re-arranged face, depending on whom the co-worker was.
Why is it that we can we extend the most common courtesy towards a peer or colleague but not have the decency to do the same thing to our children?
And if that's not enough, we then chastise them in the same breath for their poor manners? Or get upset because they become literally unmanageable by the time they're teenagers?
The Golden Rule...do unto others as you would have done to you. You learned that in school yourself a long time ago.
If you have to demand respect, you don't deserve it. If you command respect, you've earned it.
Respect is always earned, and never given. And what you may interpret as respect by acting towards your child in this careless manner is just the opposite.
You may get capitulation or submission, but only for so long. Resentment and other negative feelings are harbored in the meantime.
And you are setting yourself up for failure.
I've been in contact with more and more people who have not had a relationship with their own parents for years.
We're not just talking about a couple 'silent years'.
Silent decades.
As a Christian, I believe in the commandment "Honor Your Father and Your Mother", as expressed in the Old Testament.
Unfortunately, there's nothing in there about "Honor Thy Child". And it's pretty hard to honor a parent that shows little to no respect for their offspring.
To such a parent, I say this:
If you feel your child is beneath you, remember this...the only thing beneath you is grass.
And one day, you will be beneath it...long before your kid.
NEXT WEEK: Planning for YOUR future
There was one little ditty I especially remember...it was from a family gospel group that hit the charts with a pop crossover number in 1971.
The lyrics went something like this:
"If you disrespect everybody that you run into...how the world do you think anybody's supposed to respect you?"
Name that tune.
Staple Singers...Respect Yourself. Vocalist Mavis Staples went on to record the song played in the opening credits of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
Enough trivia.
But the song does make you think.
How many of you truly respect your children?
Think about that for a moment.
That doesn't mean cater to your child's every whim nor does it imply you should forfeit your rights as a parent to discipline your child properly.
It does however, mean that how you treat another adult shouldn't be much different than how you treat your child.
Hypothetical: You tell, not ask, your child to bring something to you, often in another room of the house. You might even yell for them to do it at the top of your lungs from across the house. Then you snatch it out of their hands because they didn't bring it fast enough to you. And you don't even so much as say 'thank you'.
Now you're at work. Would you treat a co-worker in this manner?
Of course not. Because you know the repercussions.
You might find yourself out of a job, and perhaps even with a re-arranged face, depending on whom the co-worker was.
Why is it that we can we extend the most common courtesy towards a peer or colleague but not have the decency to do the same thing to our children?
And if that's not enough, we then chastise them in the same breath for their poor manners? Or get upset because they become literally unmanageable by the time they're teenagers?
The Golden Rule...do unto others as you would have done to you. You learned that in school yourself a long time ago.
If you have to demand respect, you don't deserve it. If you command respect, you've earned it.
Respect is always earned, and never given. And what you may interpret as respect by acting towards your child in this careless manner is just the opposite.
You may get capitulation or submission, but only for so long. Resentment and other negative feelings are harbored in the meantime.
And you are setting yourself up for failure.
I've been in contact with more and more people who have not had a relationship with their own parents for years.
We're not just talking about a couple 'silent years'.
Silent decades.
As a Christian, I believe in the commandment "Honor Your Father and Your Mother", as expressed in the Old Testament.
Unfortunately, there's nothing in there about "Honor Thy Child". And it's pretty hard to honor a parent that shows little to no respect for their offspring.
To such a parent, I say this:
If you feel your child is beneath you, remember this...the only thing beneath you is grass.
And one day, you will be beneath it...long before your kid.
NEXT WEEK: Planning for YOUR future
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Cherub's Checkup
My wife and I recently took our daughter in for her two-year checkup.
Now two years old, we've been very pleased with our daughter's progress.
And there's a little bit of personal pride as well.
Savannah was willing (sort of) to put up with being stripped down to her diaper and having to wait for an assistant, then wait again, and then have the physician's assistant talk to us.
As an only-child household, we often hear from others about how we should have at least one more child. The reasons run from trying for a boy (people still take this family name thing very seriously) to companionship after the parents are gone.
But I digress. That's a whole other column.
What I will say is that because we have one, we're able to be more attentive to her overall development. Physically and emotionally.
As part of the two-year checkup, we were given a behavioral checklist, and the answers we supplied spoke volumes about how well our daughter is doing.
We answered questions the PA put forth to us about the 'terrible twos' and if there were any 'issues' with her behavior, how did we handle it.
"Perfect" was the word she used to describe our answers.
When we got out to the car after the appointment was over, Margie was the first to bring it up.
"We must be doing something right," she said.
The thing of it is, we don't do all that much.
In my opinion anyway.
We listen to her when she talks. She might not get what she wants from us, but she'll have our attention when she needs it.
There's consequences for bad behavior. Though we've had yet to resort to corporal punishment, there have been instances where she's come close. And we have found alternatives...stricter time-outs.
We know what's best for our child. We always gladly accept advice from parents or grandparents, who can share their perspective on any particular matter, but ultimately, it's up to us to make the decisions affecting her well-being.
We have an eye for the future. What we say and do affects what our little girl will someday grow up to be. And our goal is to raise her into a happy, well-adjusted, responsible adult and contributing member to society.
While we put our child's needs ahead of our own, we do not make her the center of our universe. Rather, we welcome her as an integral part of our family unit.
These aren't difficult for us. They come naturally.
And some things come naturally to her, we've come to find out.
Laughter. The things that can make me or my wife Savannah smile can make Savannah laugh hysterically.
Sharing. She never hesitates to share toys or take turns on playdates or at daycare.
Love. When I was suffering from a lower back flare-up just about a month ago, with pain so bad I could barely move, I could still hear that sweet little voice:
"OK, Daddy? Boo-boo back?"
"I'll be fine, honey."
"OK."
Or if I hit a pothole or bump in the road while in the car and with her in the backseat.
"Careful, Daddy."
Getting through a check-up wasn't just for her wellness.
It was for our wellness too.
Perfect.
NEXT WEEK: R-E-S-P-E-C-T...earned, never given.
Now two years old, we've been very pleased with our daughter's progress.
And there's a little bit of personal pride as well.
Savannah was willing (sort of) to put up with being stripped down to her diaper and having to wait for an assistant, then wait again, and then have the physician's assistant talk to us.
As an only-child household, we often hear from others about how we should have at least one more child. The reasons run from trying for a boy (people still take this family name thing very seriously) to companionship after the parents are gone.
But I digress. That's a whole other column.
What I will say is that because we have one, we're able to be more attentive to her overall development. Physically and emotionally.
As part of the two-year checkup, we were given a behavioral checklist, and the answers we supplied spoke volumes about how well our daughter is doing.
We answered questions the PA put forth to us about the 'terrible twos' and if there were any 'issues' with her behavior, how did we handle it.
"Perfect" was the word she used to describe our answers.
When we got out to the car after the appointment was over, Margie was the first to bring it up.
"We must be doing something right," she said.
The thing of it is, we don't do all that much.
In my opinion anyway.
We listen to her when she talks. She might not get what she wants from us, but she'll have our attention when she needs it.
There's consequences for bad behavior. Though we've had yet to resort to corporal punishment, there have been instances where she's come close. And we have found alternatives...stricter time-outs.
We know what's best for our child. We always gladly accept advice from parents or grandparents, who can share their perspective on any particular matter, but ultimately, it's up to us to make the decisions affecting her well-being.
We have an eye for the future. What we say and do affects what our little girl will someday grow up to be. And our goal is to raise her into a happy, well-adjusted, responsible adult and contributing member to society.
While we put our child's needs ahead of our own, we do not make her the center of our universe. Rather, we welcome her as an integral part of our family unit.
These aren't difficult for us. They come naturally.
And some things come naturally to her, we've come to find out.
Laughter. The things that can make me or my wife Savannah smile can make Savannah laugh hysterically.
Sharing. She never hesitates to share toys or take turns on playdates or at daycare.
Love. When I was suffering from a lower back flare-up just about a month ago, with pain so bad I could barely move, I could still hear that sweet little voice:
"OK, Daddy? Boo-boo back?"
"I'll be fine, honey."
"OK."
Or if I hit a pothole or bump in the road while in the car and with her in the backseat.
"Careful, Daddy."
Getting through a check-up wasn't just for her wellness.
It was for our wellness too.
Perfect.
NEXT WEEK: R-E-S-P-E-C-T...earned, never given.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The Closer
That's my wife's new nickname for me.
Here's how I got it.
Our daughter turned two on July 19th. And for the rest of the month, Savannah was limited to her time with her pacifier...at bedtime only, and she left it in the crib after getting out of it, and returned to it at bedtime.
Prior to this, we had been asked when we were going to take her off of it.
I was reluctant to do so right away, because her teeth came in later than usual, and the last thing I wanted to do was to cause her pain and discomfort by depriving her of what relieved her teething pain.
But I'm also not about coddling children, either. And by giving in, I would be acting outside of my "Old School Dad" persona.
So as of August 1st, we took Savannah off the pacifier.
And she was not happy about it.
At all.
Saturday night of last week was a great example.
Despite the fact that our Munchkin had not had her usual nap and was pretty cranky as a result, she continued to scream, cry and make enough noise to awaken the 'residents' of the cemetery down the road from my house.
Margie went upstairs first, and after about fifteen minutes, came back downstairs, and while it appeared that she had solved the problem initially, Savannah had resumed her call to the wild, according to the red-lining baby monitor on the back porch table next to swing where I sat next to my wife.
I set down my wine glass and told Margie I'd be back.
I have a system to gently inform my daughter that such behavior will not be tolerated.
I walked up to her closed, but not latched, bedroom door, then gave it a gentle shove to make it 'burst' open.
I greeted my daughter standing up in her crib, not sure of what to make of this entry.
"Savannah...what's wrong, huh?", I said, giving her my best dejected look.
"mmm...medicine", she whined.
"Does your mouth hurt?"
"Yeah", she claimed, holding her Minnie Mouse up to her mouth, where she had been chewing on Minnie's ear.
I fetched the teething gel and applied a generous amount to her gums, just to discover what appeared to be another tooth coming in. Explained a lot.
I also fetched the "Sniffles and Sneezes" tablets (a product of Hyland's) to help a minor cold she had developed earlier in the week. Then she asked for a drink of water. The waiting sipper cup on the bookshelf near her crib went to work.
After that, I fetched her dolls and her Minnie Mouse, as she laid down.
"You need to go to sleep," I told her, "so that you can be awake to do all the things you want to do tomorrow...like play in the nursery when you and mommy go to church in the morning."
A smile lit up her little face.
"That sounds like fun, doesn't it?" I said.
"Yeah," came the soft voice accompanied by a nod.
"So you're going to be quiet and go to sleep for me, then?"
Another nod.
"Promise?"
Yet another nod.
"OK, I'll hold you to that."
I smiled and stroked her little face, before kissing my fingertips and applying them to her cheek.
"Good night, angel."
I returned to my wife and my glass of wine, and a silent rest of the evening.
Couldn't believe that worked.
"You're the closer," Margie said.
Leave it to her to bring sports analogy into child-rearing.
NEXT WEEK: Two-year Checkup
Here's how I got it.
Our daughter turned two on July 19th. And for the rest of the month, Savannah was limited to her time with her pacifier...at bedtime only, and she left it in the crib after getting out of it, and returned to it at bedtime.
Prior to this, we had been asked when we were going to take her off of it.
I was reluctant to do so right away, because her teeth came in later than usual, and the last thing I wanted to do was to cause her pain and discomfort by depriving her of what relieved her teething pain.
But I'm also not about coddling children, either. And by giving in, I would be acting outside of my "Old School Dad" persona.
So as of August 1st, we took Savannah off the pacifier.
And she was not happy about it.
At all.
Saturday night of last week was a great example.
Despite the fact that our Munchkin had not had her usual nap and was pretty cranky as a result, she continued to scream, cry and make enough noise to awaken the 'residents' of the cemetery down the road from my house.
Margie went upstairs first, and after about fifteen minutes, came back downstairs, and while it appeared that she had solved the problem initially, Savannah had resumed her call to the wild, according to the red-lining baby monitor on the back porch table next to swing where I sat next to my wife.
I set down my wine glass and told Margie I'd be back.
I have a system to gently inform my daughter that such behavior will not be tolerated.
I walked up to her closed, but not latched, bedroom door, then gave it a gentle shove to make it 'burst' open.
I greeted my daughter standing up in her crib, not sure of what to make of this entry.
"Savannah...what's wrong, huh?", I said, giving her my best dejected look.
"mmm...medicine", she whined.
"Does your mouth hurt?"
"Yeah", she claimed, holding her Minnie Mouse up to her mouth, where she had been chewing on Minnie's ear.
I fetched the teething gel and applied a generous amount to her gums, just to discover what appeared to be another tooth coming in. Explained a lot.
I also fetched the "Sniffles and Sneezes" tablets (a product of Hyland's) to help a minor cold she had developed earlier in the week. Then she asked for a drink of water. The waiting sipper cup on the bookshelf near her crib went to work.
After that, I fetched her dolls and her Minnie Mouse, as she laid down.
"You need to go to sleep," I told her, "so that you can be awake to do all the things you want to do tomorrow...like play in the nursery when you and mommy go to church in the morning."
A smile lit up her little face.
"That sounds like fun, doesn't it?" I said.
"Yeah," came the soft voice accompanied by a nod.
"So you're going to be quiet and go to sleep for me, then?"
Another nod.
"Promise?"
Yet another nod.
"OK, I'll hold you to that."
I smiled and stroked her little face, before kissing my fingertips and applying them to her cheek.
"Good night, angel."
I returned to my wife and my glass of wine, and a silent rest of the evening.
Couldn't believe that worked.
"You're the closer," Margie said.
Leave it to her to bring sports analogy into child-rearing.
NEXT WEEK: Two-year Checkup
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The Brat Patrol
Has it gone too far?
I don't think even Mike Vuick himself would have envisioned that news of his Pittsburgh area restaurant's well-publicized 'no-kids' policy would have such impact around the globe.
It was brought to my attention by a friend through Facebook of an article in Shine, the parenting information arm of Yahoo! that many businesses are beginning to cash in on the childless.
The support that Mr. Vuick has had is now receiving the attention of big business. And it is being taken very seriously.
I reiterate my earlier position in a previous column that I support Mr. Vuick's policy of banning children under the age of six from his establishment. I don't see Mr. Vuick is a child-hater, but simply someone who valued his clientele enough to take their complaints seriously. And when you operate an upscale establishment that caters to a high-dollar crowd and markets itself as a quiet, casual place, then you should stand by this statement.
Otherwise, you're out of business. Simple economics.
According to the article in Shine, an airline in Malaysia is banning children from certain first-class seats. Other airlines are considering their own policies to follow suit.
The article also mentions a website called http://www.leavethembehind.com/, even promotes couples-friendly, kid-free vacations with tips on how to maximize their enjoyment without having to put up with the wailing waifs or caterwalling curtain-climbers polluting our landscape today.
While some may find websites or businesses like the foregoing offensive, keep in mind that less than twenty years ago, we didn't need rules to govern our children's behavior.
Because we were once children ourselves. We knew what was expected of us, and what the consequences were of not meeting those expectations.
But those who are becoming parents today are a different breed. They don't supervise or otherwise teach their children how to behave properly in public. Or, they try and after a couple of unsuccessful tries, they simply give up and turn a blind eye or deaf ear to their son or daughter's misbehavior.
Or yet, they're too ignorant to recognize the convention between an 'adults-only' gathering and one that's 'kid-friendly'.
You don't take a six-month-old to a wine-tasting event (that was a faux pas on our part, we learned). You don't take a two-year-old to a five-star restaurant. You don't take a three-year-old to a movie theater. You either hire a babysitter or stay at home with them, because if you can afford these things, you can afford a sitter.
Wanna know the difference between a good parent and a bad one? A valid threat followed by the fitting consequence, mental or physical.
My parents knew this. As did my grandparents.
And I believe the present generation knows this. They choose to ignore it.
And as long as that sense of entitlement continues among said generation (and to a lesser degree my own peers), we're not going to see any relief anytime soon.
Fewer and fewer people are having children these days. Having seen such poorly behaved children in public and reading about what they grow up into in the news, who can blame them?
After all, you don't have to teach a pet how to behave (much), clothe them or send them to college, nor worry about if they plot to one day murder you in your sleep because inheriting money is easier than working.
Maybe the childless are onto something.
But that's not for me to determine. I sure won't villify anyone for remaining childless by choice. They're contributing more to society by that than reproducing and failing miserably at their parental obligations.
Nonetheless, I'll close by saying that I will never set an age limit for those reading my column.
Because I think all who read it can, and should, learn something.
NEXT WEEK: The Closer
I don't think even Mike Vuick himself would have envisioned that news of his Pittsburgh area restaurant's well-publicized 'no-kids' policy would have such impact around the globe.
It was brought to my attention by a friend through Facebook of an article in Shine, the parenting information arm of Yahoo! that many businesses are beginning to cash in on the childless.
The support that Mr. Vuick has had is now receiving the attention of big business. And it is being taken very seriously.
I reiterate my earlier position in a previous column that I support Mr. Vuick's policy of banning children under the age of six from his establishment. I don't see Mr. Vuick is a child-hater, but simply someone who valued his clientele enough to take their complaints seriously. And when you operate an upscale establishment that caters to a high-dollar crowd and markets itself as a quiet, casual place, then you should stand by this statement.
Otherwise, you're out of business. Simple economics.
According to the article in Shine, an airline in Malaysia is banning children from certain first-class seats. Other airlines are considering their own policies to follow suit.
The article also mentions a website called http://www.leavethembehind.com/, even promotes couples-friendly, kid-free vacations with tips on how to maximize their enjoyment without having to put up with the wailing waifs or caterwalling curtain-climbers polluting our landscape today.
While some may find websites or businesses like the foregoing offensive, keep in mind that less than twenty years ago, we didn't need rules to govern our children's behavior.
Because we were once children ourselves. We knew what was expected of us, and what the consequences were of not meeting those expectations.
But those who are becoming parents today are a different breed. They don't supervise or otherwise teach their children how to behave properly in public. Or, they try and after a couple of unsuccessful tries, they simply give up and turn a blind eye or deaf ear to their son or daughter's misbehavior.
Or yet, they're too ignorant to recognize the convention between an 'adults-only' gathering and one that's 'kid-friendly'.
You don't take a six-month-old to a wine-tasting event (that was a faux pas on our part, we learned). You don't take a two-year-old to a five-star restaurant. You don't take a three-year-old to a movie theater. You either hire a babysitter or stay at home with them, because if you can afford these things, you can afford a sitter.
Wanna know the difference between a good parent and a bad one? A valid threat followed by the fitting consequence, mental or physical.
My parents knew this. As did my grandparents.
And I believe the present generation knows this. They choose to ignore it.
And as long as that sense of entitlement continues among said generation (and to a lesser degree my own peers), we're not going to see any relief anytime soon.
Fewer and fewer people are having children these days. Having seen such poorly behaved children in public and reading about what they grow up into in the news, who can blame them?
After all, you don't have to teach a pet how to behave (much), clothe them or send them to college, nor worry about if they plot to one day murder you in your sleep because inheriting money is easier than working.
Maybe the childless are onto something.
But that's not for me to determine. I sure won't villify anyone for remaining childless by choice. They're contributing more to society by that than reproducing and failing miserably at their parental obligations.
Nonetheless, I'll close by saying that I will never set an age limit for those reading my column.
Because I think all who read it can, and should, learn something.
NEXT WEEK: The Closer
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Burying the 'Bink'
"Bink...bink...BINK!!!"
Heaven help me, how I hate that word.
And other 'baby' words, for that matter. But back to the matter at hand.
My wife and I are working feverishly to wean our two-year-old daughter off of her PACIFIER.
Yeah, I know it's easier for baby to say one syllable as opposed to the four in 'pacifier', but if you're looking for 'easy', you're not going to find it as a parent.
Now that Savannah's last baby teeth are pretty much in, we're working to remove her dependency from her pacifier.
"I need a bink!"
We chose the passive-aggressive approach to getting her to change it up.
"Did you want your pacifier?"
"Pah-fier."
Close enough.
And just a couple weeks ago, we took this to the next level.
Now she gets her pacifier at bedtime only. And only if she specifically asks for it.
We've hidden our stock of pacifiers in a place where she can't find or get to it, as we've learned that her memory is pretty photographic when it comes to something she wants.
We had tried to start this process at 20 months, but since she still had teeth coming in, we decided to delay it a bit.
The teeth are still coming in, and she's resorted to chewing on other things, but the bottom line is, she's going to have to give it up, sooner or later.
The challenge is trying to convince her that she doesn't need it...at least not in the sense she thinks.
She's been pretty good with not needing a security blanket, but the pacifier habit isn't going to be easy to break.
Nonetheless, we're sticking by our plan.
And while the pacifiers are soon to gather dust, it didn't escape my attention just how many of these things a new parent can accumulate.
We have nine at last count. There were the ones she got as a newborn. Then as she graduated from infant to crawler, then toddler. Two with the Penn State logo were 'retired' as they became favorites (by her mom's design) and quickly wore out.
We had at least two for each car. One ever ready, and another usually lost under a seat. Then at least one in the diaper bag. Because you never knew when the moment was going to strike when it would disappear into oblivion forever, and woe to the one without a ready replacement.
Who knew that this simple piece of plastic and rubber would bring so much salvation to both parent and child?
Of course, it's replaced by a new form of plastic. Usually marked with one of two words..."Mastercard" or "Visa".
NEXT WEEK: Back to the Brat
Heaven help me, how I hate that word.
And other 'baby' words, for that matter. But back to the matter at hand.
My wife and I are working feverishly to wean our two-year-old daughter off of her PACIFIER.
Yeah, I know it's easier for baby to say one syllable as opposed to the four in 'pacifier', but if you're looking for 'easy', you're not going to find it as a parent.
Now that Savannah's last baby teeth are pretty much in, we're working to remove her dependency from her pacifier.
"I need a bink!"
We chose the passive-aggressive approach to getting her to change it up.
"Did you want your pacifier?"
"Pah-fier."
Close enough.
And just a couple weeks ago, we took this to the next level.
Now she gets her pacifier at bedtime only. And only if she specifically asks for it.
We've hidden our stock of pacifiers in a place where she can't find or get to it, as we've learned that her memory is pretty photographic when it comes to something she wants.
We had tried to start this process at 20 months, but since she still had teeth coming in, we decided to delay it a bit.
The teeth are still coming in, and she's resorted to chewing on other things, but the bottom line is, she's going to have to give it up, sooner or later.
The challenge is trying to convince her that she doesn't need it...at least not in the sense she thinks.
She's been pretty good with not needing a security blanket, but the pacifier habit isn't going to be easy to break.
Nonetheless, we're sticking by our plan.
And while the pacifiers are soon to gather dust, it didn't escape my attention just how many of these things a new parent can accumulate.
We have nine at last count. There were the ones she got as a newborn. Then as she graduated from infant to crawler, then toddler. Two with the Penn State logo were 'retired' as they became favorites (by her mom's design) and quickly wore out.
We had at least two for each car. One ever ready, and another usually lost under a seat. Then at least one in the diaper bag. Because you never knew when the moment was going to strike when it would disappear into oblivion forever, and woe to the one without a ready replacement.
Who knew that this simple piece of plastic and rubber would bring so much salvation to both parent and child?
Of course, it's replaced by a new form of plastic. Usually marked with one of two words..."Mastercard" or "Visa".
NEXT WEEK: Back to the Brat
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Nice Dinner? Leave the Littles at Home
Here in the Pittsburgh area, a local restauranteur made world headlines by banning children under the age of six from his establishment.
While one would think that this would prompt a hurricane of outrage in today's society, I was relieved to see that the reverse has happened.
His name is Mike Vuick, and he owns McDain's Restaurant and Golf Center on Broadway Boulevard in Monroeville, Pennsylvania.
Mike was interviewed by just about every major press outlet across the globe when he sent out an email to his patrons informing them that children under the age of six would no longer be welcome at his establishement.
The reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. And I'm glad to see someone finally take a stand on this.
When my wife gave birth to our daughter, most of my friends and acquaintances, knowing that I enjoy fine dining, advised me to start taking my child to sit-down restaurants at a young age to make sure they know how to properly behave in such venues.
I heeded this advice. And I can say that after two years, I can only count on one hand the number of times we've had 'meltdowns' in restaurants stemming from our daughter.
And we have always, without exception, taken her outside until she calmed down. This practice will continue by Margie and me.
We're considerate of others and their dining experience. I myself, before I had married, can remember having my meal ruined by a misbehaving child acting up and the parents sitting idly by and doing nothing to stop it.
It had gotten so bad at one point that I would ask a server to seat me and my date near other couples or those who had teenagers.
After witnessing such bad behavior, I vowed to myself that I would never allow my child to cause such a ruckus in public. And for the past two years, I've put my money where my mouth is.
It's sad that Mr. Vuick had to resort to such tactics. But those who object to it, need to review the restaurant's history.
McDain's never offered a 'kid's menu', nor family-friendly prices or anything that openly catered to families, aside from maybe high chairs until July 16th, when the ban went into effect. It was strictly an upscale restaurant.
And if I'm going to plunk down close to $100 for a meal, it better be a quiet and pleasant experience.
You want to bring your screaming brats with you into a restaurant and do nothing to control them, go to a buffet house or a fast food joint.
Because that's where you belong.
Otherwise, hire a babysitter for a few hours. Though I haven't needed one for some time, we do have one on standby.
For Mr. Vuick's part, he's enjoyed a surge in business since the news story broke. He claimed to a TV station here that he's gotten one complaint to every 11 compliments.
And that ain't bad. Good work, sir.
NEXT WEEK: Your little 'pacifist'
While one would think that this would prompt a hurricane of outrage in today's society, I was relieved to see that the reverse has happened.
His name is Mike Vuick, and he owns McDain's Restaurant and Golf Center on Broadway Boulevard in Monroeville, Pennsylvania.
Mike was interviewed by just about every major press outlet across the globe when he sent out an email to his patrons informing them that children under the age of six would no longer be welcome at his establishement.
The reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. And I'm glad to see someone finally take a stand on this.
When my wife gave birth to our daughter, most of my friends and acquaintances, knowing that I enjoy fine dining, advised me to start taking my child to sit-down restaurants at a young age to make sure they know how to properly behave in such venues.
I heeded this advice. And I can say that after two years, I can only count on one hand the number of times we've had 'meltdowns' in restaurants stemming from our daughter.
And we have always, without exception, taken her outside until she calmed down. This practice will continue by Margie and me.
We're considerate of others and their dining experience. I myself, before I had married, can remember having my meal ruined by a misbehaving child acting up and the parents sitting idly by and doing nothing to stop it.
It had gotten so bad at one point that I would ask a server to seat me and my date near other couples or those who had teenagers.
After witnessing such bad behavior, I vowed to myself that I would never allow my child to cause such a ruckus in public. And for the past two years, I've put my money where my mouth is.
It's sad that Mr. Vuick had to resort to such tactics. But those who object to it, need to review the restaurant's history.
McDain's never offered a 'kid's menu', nor family-friendly prices or anything that openly catered to families, aside from maybe high chairs until July 16th, when the ban went into effect. It was strictly an upscale restaurant.
And if I'm going to plunk down close to $100 for a meal, it better be a quiet and pleasant experience.
You want to bring your screaming brats with you into a restaurant and do nothing to control them, go to a buffet house or a fast food joint.
Because that's where you belong.
Otherwise, hire a babysitter for a few hours. Though I haven't needed one for some time, we do have one on standby.
For Mr. Vuick's part, he's enjoyed a surge in business since the news story broke. He claimed to a TV station here that he's gotten one complaint to every 11 compliments.
And that ain't bad. Good work, sir.
NEXT WEEK: Your little 'pacifist'
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Language Arts
That's what they called what I later came to learn was "English" class while attending a Catholic elementary school in the 1970s.
My two-year-old has made the transition from babbles, whines, and an occasional word into building near-complete sentences within a week's time.
My wife and I recently returned from a week-long vacation to northern Michigan, where we stayed in a cottage at a Houghton Lake resort and hosted my mother and my friend from another radio station many years ago (though not at the same time). As we pulled out of the driveway, that's when our child made the transition as described above.
OK, who are you and what have you done with our daughter?
I have always been a proponent of daycare centers. I believe that the best of them can best teach where a stay-at-home parent doesn't have the patience or know-how for.
My two-year daughter attends a Christian-centered day care center four days a week. The day care center is a non-profit enterprise operating as a separate arm of a Presbyterian church.
My wife and I are Christians, but not 'holy-rollers' my any means. However, we recognize the value in Christ-centered teachings. As an only child, we want Savannah to have the proper social interaction that she needs to function effectively in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. Social interaction is just as necessary as academics to survive in today's world.
And as a country, we are falling way behind in academics. Especially where basic English skills are concerned.
As a broadcast journalist, I often pore through multiple media sources when writing my stories, to find the differing 'takes' other journalists have on a story and if it's slanted, to what angle is the slant.
While coming upon a story from the website a local TV station here in the Pittsburgh area, I noticed that the writer had written that the victim of a home invasion "was woken up by the noise".
"Woken" up.
While Dictionary.com, reports "woken" as a past participle of 'wake', it's still open to argument.
During the John Chancellor era, the victim "was awakened by the noise".
I rank woken with 'got'.
Don't even get me started with gross misspellings. A former colleague of mine, who was a feature reporter on the guilty TV station in question, occasionally featured misspellings she herself witnessed in very public places.
Restaurants. Car repair shops. Beauty salons. One would think that if you owned a business, you would have the sense to have the basic skills necessary to fill out a loan application.
Even those are 'dumbed down' for the masses these days.
This is why passive parents make me sick.
Spend some time with your kid. And I don't mean throwing about a ball or being their 'buddy'. Teach them some things. And encourage them to do better. And encourage is not a synonym for 'push'. There is a difference. It's your duty as a parent to learn it...and teach it.
Otherwise, we're one day going to raise a generation that eventually progresses to the level of its own incompetence.
If we aren't already there now.
NEXT WEEK: Restauranteur Relief
My two-year-old has made the transition from babbles, whines, and an occasional word into building near-complete sentences within a week's time.
My wife and I recently returned from a week-long vacation to northern Michigan, where we stayed in a cottage at a Houghton Lake resort and hosted my mother and my friend from another radio station many years ago (though not at the same time). As we pulled out of the driveway, that's when our child made the transition as described above.
OK, who are you and what have you done with our daughter?
I have always been a proponent of daycare centers. I believe that the best of them can best teach where a stay-at-home parent doesn't have the patience or know-how for.
My two-year daughter attends a Christian-centered day care center four days a week. The day care center is a non-profit enterprise operating as a separate arm of a Presbyterian church.
My wife and I are Christians, but not 'holy-rollers' my any means. However, we recognize the value in Christ-centered teachings. As an only child, we want Savannah to have the proper social interaction that she needs to function effectively in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. Social interaction is just as necessary as academics to survive in today's world.
And as a country, we are falling way behind in academics. Especially where basic English skills are concerned.
As a broadcast journalist, I often pore through multiple media sources when writing my stories, to find the differing 'takes' other journalists have on a story and if it's slanted, to what angle is the slant.
While coming upon a story from the website a local TV station here in the Pittsburgh area, I noticed that the writer had written that the victim of a home invasion "was woken up by the noise".
"Woken" up.
While Dictionary.com, reports "woken" as a past participle of 'wake', it's still open to argument.
During the John Chancellor era, the victim "was awakened by the noise".
I rank woken with 'got'.
Don't even get me started with gross misspellings. A former colleague of mine, who was a feature reporter on the guilty TV station in question, occasionally featured misspellings she herself witnessed in very public places.
Restaurants. Car repair shops. Beauty salons. One would think that if you owned a business, you would have the sense to have the basic skills necessary to fill out a loan application.
Even those are 'dumbed down' for the masses these days.
This is why passive parents make me sick.
Spend some time with your kid. And I don't mean throwing about a ball or being their 'buddy'. Teach them some things. And encourage them to do better. And encourage is not a synonym for 'push'. There is a difference. It's your duty as a parent to learn it...and teach it.
Otherwise, we're one day going to raise a generation that eventually progresses to the level of its own incompetence.
If we aren't already there now.
NEXT WEEK: Restauranteur Relief
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Graduation Day
I know I have more than a decade and a half to worry about this, but it does get you thinking.
My wife Margie and I recently attended the high school graduation party for Tori. Margie had coached recreation league basketball for her church in 2005, the year we had met, and did so for a couple more years afterwards, then took some time out for when our daughter was born. Tori was one of the girls on the team that Margie coached, along with Tori's friend Laura.
Both girls were scholar-athletes, and like their teammates, found Margie highly relatable. Because Margie was young at heart and spoke likewise, she not only represented the values these kids were brought up with, she knew the game...lived and breathed it, along with just about any sport imaginable. She understood the pressures kids had growing up in today's world, and always maintained an 'open door' policy with her players. A policy where she spent more time listening than talking, and only offered advice when and if they asked for it. And it was always the truth and never what they wanted to hear, but always delivered in a positive manner.
Knowing as little as I did about sports, I was content to sit on the sidelines, but I made it a point to learn all the girls' names and cheer them on at every game. Tori, Laura, Chloe, Julia, and so many others.
OK, I didn't say that I wouldn't forget their names in my advancing years.
Even back then, Tori was a tall drink of water, and definitely not afraid of going after the ball. The girl got game.
Margie and I called Laura "Little Laura" because of her diminutive build that first year. Nonetheless, she didn't let her small stature get in the way of taking that ball to the hoop with extreme prejudice. But she soon experienced a sudden and rather quick growth spurt that made her not so little anymore and closer to the hoop.
We attended Tori's graduation party and after a couple hours, decided to yield to our daughter's impending fatigue and get her home to bathe her and put her to bed.
We hugged Tori and wished her the best of luck at the University of Pittsburgh in the coming fall. Laura's mom had arrived about an hour earlier, saying that Laura was curling her hair and would be coming later.
Laura arrived right as we were leaving. For the first time, I looked at both of them standing side-by-side.
It didn't seem that long ago that these gangly little girls were playing basketball on Margie's team, plus other sports in middle and high school. And as I looked at them, it made me think about what wonderful young ladies they grew up to be. Tori now standing almost six feet tall, and Laura not too far behind her, though my five-foot-three-inch wife debates that.
And then I looked down at my daughter.
The time went faster than I ever imagined.
"She's getting so big" is what I hear so often these days. And not only that, but I remember saying that very thing to Margie about those two girls once upon a time.
Cherish every moment. Even when you feel your patience at its end, remember that even the most difficult times won't last forever. And while you may not miss them, you will be able to reflect upon them and see the growth both of you have experienced since then.
NEXT WEEK: Language Arts
My wife Margie and I recently attended the high school graduation party for Tori. Margie had coached recreation league basketball for her church in 2005, the year we had met, and did so for a couple more years afterwards, then took some time out for when our daughter was born. Tori was one of the girls on the team that Margie coached, along with Tori's friend Laura.
Both girls were scholar-athletes, and like their teammates, found Margie highly relatable. Because Margie was young at heart and spoke likewise, she not only represented the values these kids were brought up with, she knew the game...lived and breathed it, along with just about any sport imaginable. She understood the pressures kids had growing up in today's world, and always maintained an 'open door' policy with her players. A policy where she spent more time listening than talking, and only offered advice when and if they asked for it. And it was always the truth and never what they wanted to hear, but always delivered in a positive manner.
Knowing as little as I did about sports, I was content to sit on the sidelines, but I made it a point to learn all the girls' names and cheer them on at every game. Tori, Laura, Chloe, Julia, and so many others.
OK, I didn't say that I wouldn't forget their names in my advancing years.
Even back then, Tori was a tall drink of water, and definitely not afraid of going after the ball. The girl got game.
Margie and I called Laura "Little Laura" because of her diminutive build that first year. Nonetheless, she didn't let her small stature get in the way of taking that ball to the hoop with extreme prejudice. But she soon experienced a sudden and rather quick growth spurt that made her not so little anymore and closer to the hoop.
We attended Tori's graduation party and after a couple hours, decided to yield to our daughter's impending fatigue and get her home to bathe her and put her to bed.
We hugged Tori and wished her the best of luck at the University of Pittsburgh in the coming fall. Laura's mom had arrived about an hour earlier, saying that Laura was curling her hair and would be coming later.
Laura arrived right as we were leaving. For the first time, I looked at both of them standing side-by-side.
It didn't seem that long ago that these gangly little girls were playing basketball on Margie's team, plus other sports in middle and high school. And as I looked at them, it made me think about what wonderful young ladies they grew up to be. Tori now standing almost six feet tall, and Laura not too far behind her, though my five-foot-three-inch wife debates that.
And then I looked down at my daughter.
The time went faster than I ever imagined.
"She's getting so big" is what I hear so often these days. And not only that, but I remember saying that very thing to Margie about those two girls once upon a time.
Cherish every moment. Even when you feel your patience at its end, remember that even the most difficult times won't last forever. And while you may not miss them, you will be able to reflect upon them and see the growth both of you have experienced since then.
NEXT WEEK: Language Arts
Sunday, June 26, 2011
The Potty Party
You'll forgive my absence last week. As it was "Father's Day", the last thing I wanted to do was write a column when I could spend a little quality time with my family.
That said, down to business.
I think all fathers should play an active role in toilet training their kids. They come up with these cutesy little rhymes and songs to encourage tinkling and other functions while on board the porcelain rhinoceros.
Forget that.
All we have to do guys, is just be ourselves.
Without getting too gross, think about how much time you spend on the can for your 'morning ritual', with the magazine rack by your side and the roll of toilet paper above it.
And the time you spend 'grunting' before the desired 'results' are achieved.
The grunting is a fun part for me. I squat on the floor in front of my soon-to-be two-year-old daughter, grunting until the vein in the center of my forehead pops out, and my wife trying to stifle her giggles at the sight.
The one not stifling is Savannah. She lets fly a spate of giggling as she's watching her father risk a stroke for the sake of getting her to go the big girl way.
Big-boy style, that is.
And two weeks ago, it finally paid off. Though three weeks ago, she did do "Number One", which earned her an Elmo sticker.
After breakfast, I watched her go into 'grunt mode' as she finished her last bite of oatmeal. I immediately took her to the bathroom and stripped her down, placed her on the seat, and gave her my best 'grunt'.
She giggled and returned the gesture in kind.
Plunk...then splash.
Woo hoo!
Doing a visual 'confirmation', I expressed my excitement and complimented her accordingly. She probably didn't understand what there was to be so excited about, but I'm sure it's a story she'll be willing to forget in her future years.
Especially when prospective suitors arrive on my doorstep. And I will be prepared to tell it...verbatim.
"Mom! Tell Dad to stop it!"
Heh heh heh.
TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY: Graduation Party
That said, down to business.
I think all fathers should play an active role in toilet training their kids. They come up with these cutesy little rhymes and songs to encourage tinkling and other functions while on board the porcelain rhinoceros.
Forget that.
All we have to do guys, is just be ourselves.
Without getting too gross, think about how much time you spend on the can for your 'morning ritual', with the magazine rack by your side and the roll of toilet paper above it.
And the time you spend 'grunting' before the desired 'results' are achieved.
The grunting is a fun part for me. I squat on the floor in front of my soon-to-be two-year-old daughter, grunting until the vein in the center of my forehead pops out, and my wife trying to stifle her giggles at the sight.
The one not stifling is Savannah. She lets fly a spate of giggling as she's watching her father risk a stroke for the sake of getting her to go the big girl way.
Big-boy style, that is.
And two weeks ago, it finally paid off. Though three weeks ago, she did do "Number One", which earned her an Elmo sticker.
After breakfast, I watched her go into 'grunt mode' as she finished her last bite of oatmeal. I immediately took her to the bathroom and stripped her down, placed her on the seat, and gave her my best 'grunt'.
She giggled and returned the gesture in kind.
Plunk...then splash.
Woo hoo!
Doing a visual 'confirmation', I expressed my excitement and complimented her accordingly. She probably didn't understand what there was to be so excited about, but I'm sure it's a story she'll be willing to forget in her future years.
Especially when prospective suitors arrive on my doorstep. And I will be prepared to tell it...verbatim.
"Mom! Tell Dad to stop it!"
Heh heh heh.
TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY: Graduation Party
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The Original is Still the Best
In the beginning, there were the 13 colonies, that would one day make up an entirely new nation far different than its beginnings in the 17th century.
One thing that did not change was the colonial attitude towards education. Puritan law dictated, over time, that each town must have a school...where young people were taught to read and write, as well as add and subtract.
We've come a long way, baby.
Public schools funded by tax dollars still exist, but today parents want more input in their child's education. We now have options such as home-schooling, cyber-education, private schools, and other options.
Most of the complaints I hear from parents is their fears of bullying by out-of-control youngsters who are improperly parented, attitudes of indifference from teachers, and apathetic administrators.
The bottom line is this...education is education is education.
The public school education system in our country works, with standards set by the U.S. Department of Education and other standards set at the state level. If your child doesn't progress properly, they fail.
Fail...as in 'flunk'. Not 'held back' as some parents like to say.
No one other than the child determines his or her progress. A child won't learn if she or she doesn't want to. This begins at home.
Take an active role in your child's education and learning process. Don't ever assume that just because you excelled in school, your child will do likewise.
Many parents make the mistake of forcing education on their children, metaphorically doing things like shoving flash cards down their throats the moment they come out of the womb, and woe to them if they don't demonstrate an immediate interest and desire to learn.
Children will learn better when their achievements are celebrated, rather than derided. They may excel at reading and writing, but may fall short in math and science.
While the latter two are important, it's important to choose your words carefully when telling them that improvement is needed in these areas.
RIGHT: "Good work on your reading and writing...I'm glad you're making progress. Is the work coming easy to you? I did see that we need a little work in your math and science studies. Is there anything I can do to help you with that?"
WRONG: "I can't believe your failing in this...what's so hard for you to understand about it? I never had any problem in those subjects."
And of course, always avoid name-calling and negative sounding adjectives. Your child needs to know you love them unconditionally, and they need to know they're not stupid.
Academic failure does not automatically label one as stupid. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and some students learn differently than others. Poor aptitude and an inadequate foundation in the affected subject matter are the building blocks to better progress.
Talk to your child's principal or guidance counselor about it. Alternative education is available from most Intermediate Units that assist schools in providing a better foundation to promote student focus.
And the beauty of it is, these services are already paid for by your tax dollars. You don't have to pay a fortune for tutors or private schools to help your child do better.
All you have to do is listen to your child. Who knows, you might both learn something.
NEXT WEEK: Potty Party
One thing that did not change was the colonial attitude towards education. Puritan law dictated, over time, that each town must have a school...where young people were taught to read and write, as well as add and subtract.
We've come a long way, baby.
Public schools funded by tax dollars still exist, but today parents want more input in their child's education. We now have options such as home-schooling, cyber-education, private schools, and other options.
Most of the complaints I hear from parents is their fears of bullying by out-of-control youngsters who are improperly parented, attitudes of indifference from teachers, and apathetic administrators.
The bottom line is this...education is education is education.
The public school education system in our country works, with standards set by the U.S. Department of Education and other standards set at the state level. If your child doesn't progress properly, they fail.
Fail...as in 'flunk'. Not 'held back' as some parents like to say.
No one other than the child determines his or her progress. A child won't learn if she or she doesn't want to. This begins at home.
Take an active role in your child's education and learning process. Don't ever assume that just because you excelled in school, your child will do likewise.
Many parents make the mistake of forcing education on their children, metaphorically doing things like shoving flash cards down their throats the moment they come out of the womb, and woe to them if they don't demonstrate an immediate interest and desire to learn.
Children will learn better when their achievements are celebrated, rather than derided. They may excel at reading and writing, but may fall short in math and science.
While the latter two are important, it's important to choose your words carefully when telling them that improvement is needed in these areas.
RIGHT: "Good work on your reading and writing...I'm glad you're making progress. Is the work coming easy to you? I did see that we need a little work in your math and science studies. Is there anything I can do to help you with that?"
WRONG: "I can't believe your failing in this...what's so hard for you to understand about it? I never had any problem in those subjects."
And of course, always avoid name-calling and negative sounding adjectives. Your child needs to know you love them unconditionally, and they need to know they're not stupid.
Academic failure does not automatically label one as stupid. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and some students learn differently than others. Poor aptitude and an inadequate foundation in the affected subject matter are the building blocks to better progress.
Talk to your child's principal or guidance counselor about it. Alternative education is available from most Intermediate Units that assist schools in providing a better foundation to promote student focus.
And the beauty of it is, these services are already paid for by your tax dollars. You don't have to pay a fortune for tutors or private schools to help your child do better.
All you have to do is listen to your child. Who knows, you might both learn something.
NEXT WEEK: Potty Party
Sunday, June 5, 2011
"I'm Pregnant, Daddy"...Part III
At last, the final installment of the series.
Your family has made the decision to give up your daughter's child for adoption.
Let me first congratulate you on making an intelligent, well-informed decision.
Despite all the progress we've made as a society, it never ceases to amaze me how much some people tend to look down on those who make a decision to terminate their role as a parent, a far better alternative than terminating a life. Yet those who make such decisions are treated as selfish. I couldn't disagree more.
Giving a child up for adoption isn't giving up on the child. But rather, giving the child a chance at a better life...one that could be best achieved now rather than later, with the innocent being possibly being subject to abuse by a parent hamstringed by what society wants, rather than what they want.
The fact of the matter is, there are some people in this world who are not meant to be parents. Proof positive of this is an overburdened and underfunded foster care system. Yet the most closed-minded won't own up to the fact that it does exist, and there are no socioeconomic barriers.
Then there are others who would pay all the money they have in the world to have a child of their own, but can't, because of medical reasons or the like.
If your daughter is considering adoption, here are some factors to consider:
Your daughter is giving up this child PERMANENTLY. Once the courts finalize the adoption, the adoptive parents have exactly the same legal rights as the natural parents. Your daughter must realize that she cannot give up her child and then show up on the adoptive parents' doorstep a few years later, wanting the child back, disrupting that child's life in the process.
THAT is selfish.
Call your local Children and Youth Services agency. Tell them you want to give up the child for adoption but that you want the child placed in a good home that has the ability to provide for the child. If they're not able to accomodate this, they're likely able to steer you towards an agency that can.
CYS officials will take a keen interest in your daughter's pregnancy. They will know what questions to ask prospective adoptive parents. Things like would they be prepared to raise a special-needs child if something went wrong during birth or at some point in the child's development?
Your daughter must also treat her body and the child it's carrying as if she is keeping the baby. Just because she's not keeping the child doesn't absolve her from putting the wrong substances or foods into her body.
Even if the father runs out on your daughter, he too must sign off on his own legal rights to the child, if he doesn't desire to keep it. And if he does want to keep it, he had better be prepared to offer financial support and be a real father to this child.
And if necessary, to do so in writing. Refer to my previous columns for more on this. It's too easy for the father to make promises to reverse the mother's decision, then eases himself out because he doesn't want the responsibility.
It also must impressed upon all parties involved that at the point the decision is made to put the child up for adoption, the adoptive parents must be treated as the natural parents, and that your daughter's role at this point is that of a surrogate mother.
This must not be forgotten, especially when she goes into labor. It's too easy to want to hold the baby once it's born and let infatuation take the place of common sense.
As soon as the baby's born, the nurse and midwife should be directed to take the child from the delivery room immediately, and to shut the door behind them.
Getting through all of this will not be easy. Provided that you remember this pretext:
"I didn't give up my child...I gave my child more".
That, in and of itself, is a truly selfless act.
NEXT WEEK: Old School...still the best school.
Your family has made the decision to give up your daughter's child for adoption.
Let me first congratulate you on making an intelligent, well-informed decision.
Despite all the progress we've made as a society, it never ceases to amaze me how much some people tend to look down on those who make a decision to terminate their role as a parent, a far better alternative than terminating a life. Yet those who make such decisions are treated as selfish. I couldn't disagree more.
Giving a child up for adoption isn't giving up on the child. But rather, giving the child a chance at a better life...one that could be best achieved now rather than later, with the innocent being possibly being subject to abuse by a parent hamstringed by what society wants, rather than what they want.
The fact of the matter is, there are some people in this world who are not meant to be parents. Proof positive of this is an overburdened and underfunded foster care system. Yet the most closed-minded won't own up to the fact that it does exist, and there are no socioeconomic barriers.
Then there are others who would pay all the money they have in the world to have a child of their own, but can't, because of medical reasons or the like.
If your daughter is considering adoption, here are some factors to consider:
Your daughter is giving up this child PERMANENTLY. Once the courts finalize the adoption, the adoptive parents have exactly the same legal rights as the natural parents. Your daughter must realize that she cannot give up her child and then show up on the adoptive parents' doorstep a few years later, wanting the child back, disrupting that child's life in the process.
THAT is selfish.
Call your local Children and Youth Services agency. Tell them you want to give up the child for adoption but that you want the child placed in a good home that has the ability to provide for the child. If they're not able to accomodate this, they're likely able to steer you towards an agency that can.
CYS officials will take a keen interest in your daughter's pregnancy. They will know what questions to ask prospective adoptive parents. Things like would they be prepared to raise a special-needs child if something went wrong during birth or at some point in the child's development?
Your daughter must also treat her body and the child it's carrying as if she is keeping the baby. Just because she's not keeping the child doesn't absolve her from putting the wrong substances or foods into her body.
Even if the father runs out on your daughter, he too must sign off on his own legal rights to the child, if he doesn't desire to keep it. And if he does want to keep it, he had better be prepared to offer financial support and be a real father to this child.
And if necessary, to do so in writing. Refer to my previous columns for more on this. It's too easy for the father to make promises to reverse the mother's decision, then eases himself out because he doesn't want the responsibility.
It also must impressed upon all parties involved that at the point the decision is made to put the child up for adoption, the adoptive parents must be treated as the natural parents, and that your daughter's role at this point is that of a surrogate mother.
This must not be forgotten, especially when she goes into labor. It's too easy to want to hold the baby once it's born and let infatuation take the place of common sense.
As soon as the baby's born, the nurse and midwife should be directed to take the child from the delivery room immediately, and to shut the door behind them.
Getting through all of this will not be easy. Provided that you remember this pretext:
"I didn't give up my child...I gave my child more".
That, in and of itself, is a truly selfless act.
NEXT WEEK: Old School...still the best school.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
"I'm Pregnant, Daddy"...Part II
Now that you've gotten over the shock, outrage, guilt, horror and the myriad of emotions that only the most unplanned of unplanned pregnancies brings, what do you do?
Keep it to raise, or give it up for adoption?
You choose abortion, you're on your own.
Keeping the child must be a mutual decision. Granted, it's your daughter's child, but it must be stated that your daughter too, is still a child.
First and foremost, keep at hand the advice I repetitively hand out:
It's Not About You.
This pregnancy should never be treated as an opportunity for prolonged youth by the unborn child's grandparents, or as a financial means-to-an-end for a teen mother seeing subsequent social security income as a way to assert her independence from her parents and avoid work.
Don't forget about your own retirement. That carefully-charted course you planned for your sunset years has been all but rudely interrupted.
If you all mutually decide to keep the baby, here are the details you need to work out:
Your daughter still needs a high school education. Not having one will severely handicap her not just in the job market, but in life, as technology rapidly advances and she is not properly prepared for life on her own.
She will not be able to attend school with her classmates if both her parents work outside the home during the day. Can your household survive on one income? Is a shift change possible? Is another family member willing to help?
Your daughter also needs to know that when school is not in session, she will be expected to deal with her child when she comes home. If she has homework or needs study time, she gets a set amount of it and will be expected to adhere to it. And she will be expected to keep her grades up.
The father of the child, just because he chooses to 'run out', should not be allowed to get off the hook. He created that life in equal measure, and should share that responsibility accordingly. Even if it means legal action against his parents.
If your daughter wants to continue her education after graduation, make it clear to her that you will only help raise her child...not raise it for her. She will be expected to continue raising her child while going to school. And the college experience as she's been conditioned by her peers to see it will never apply to her.
Say goodbye to the dorm at State, and say hello to the bus pass at community.
This is reality, pure and simple. Lots of lives are affected here.
It should also be noted that your daughter should not be perpetually punished for wanting to keep her baby...provided she's the one keeping it, and not you.
It should also be noted that it was not your choice for her to have this child. Why should she stick it with you while she goes out galavanting like she has a second chance at carefree youth?
These are issues that need addressed with your daughter sooner, rather than later. Childbirth should never be part of the childhood experience. Remind her of this.
If she's not prepared to deal with the challenges relative to parenthood, she needs to look at adoption. We'll address that next week.
NEXT WEEK: What I just said. Or, Part III.
Keep it to raise, or give it up for adoption?
You choose abortion, you're on your own.
Keeping the child must be a mutual decision. Granted, it's your daughter's child, but it must be stated that your daughter too, is still a child.
First and foremost, keep at hand the advice I repetitively hand out:
It's Not About You.
This pregnancy should never be treated as an opportunity for prolonged youth by the unborn child's grandparents, or as a financial means-to-an-end for a teen mother seeing subsequent social security income as a way to assert her independence from her parents and avoid work.
Don't forget about your own retirement. That carefully-charted course you planned for your sunset years has been all but rudely interrupted.
If you all mutually decide to keep the baby, here are the details you need to work out:
Your daughter still needs a high school education. Not having one will severely handicap her not just in the job market, but in life, as technology rapidly advances and she is not properly prepared for life on her own.
She will not be able to attend school with her classmates if both her parents work outside the home during the day. Can your household survive on one income? Is a shift change possible? Is another family member willing to help?
Your daughter also needs to know that when school is not in session, she will be expected to deal with her child when she comes home. If she has homework or needs study time, she gets a set amount of it and will be expected to adhere to it. And she will be expected to keep her grades up.
The father of the child, just because he chooses to 'run out', should not be allowed to get off the hook. He created that life in equal measure, and should share that responsibility accordingly. Even if it means legal action against his parents.
If your daughter wants to continue her education after graduation, make it clear to her that you will only help raise her child...not raise it for her. She will be expected to continue raising her child while going to school. And the college experience as she's been conditioned by her peers to see it will never apply to her.
Say goodbye to the dorm at State, and say hello to the bus pass at community.
This is reality, pure and simple. Lots of lives are affected here.
It should also be noted that your daughter should not be perpetually punished for wanting to keep her baby...provided she's the one keeping it, and not you.
It should also be noted that it was not your choice for her to have this child. Why should she stick it with you while she goes out galavanting like she has a second chance at carefree youth?
These are issues that need addressed with your daughter sooner, rather than later. Childbirth should never be part of the childhood experience. Remind her of this.
If she's not prepared to deal with the challenges relative to parenthood, she needs to look at adoption. We'll address that next week.
NEXT WEEK: What I just said. Or, Part III.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
"I'm Pregnant, Daddy." Part I
It's every parent's worst nightmare, second only to the death of their child.
It turns the world upside down for everyone involved, from the soon-to-be teen mother to her parents.
This isn't a visit by the cops because your kid got pulled over for DUI. Nor is it failing grades.
Those problems will hopefully go away after they're properly dealt with. This one won't.
A human life has been created. While a joyous occasion in itself, it's been done far too prematurely. Far before the mother's ability or willingness to provide for it, or the father's or soon-to-be-grandparents for that matter.
Now the decision has to be made as to what to do with that little life.
My own religious beliefs frown upon abortion for any reason, while I myself find myself undecided on it being medically necessary if the mother's life is in jeopardy. Even I know that medical history can be manipulated.
I strongly recommend that every teenager should watch the movie "Juno".
This independent dark comedy deals with the unplanned pregnancy of 16-year-old Juno MacGuff, who discovers she's pregnant after taking a home pregnancy test. Knowing she's not ready to become a mother, she decides to have an abortion. However, she changes her mind upon arriving at the clinic and decides to place the baby up for adoption by placing an ad in the local PennySaver. She finds an affluent couple whom she feels would provide a suitable home for the baby. While the wife is enthusiastic, the husband is reluctant, and develops an attraction to Juno. Though she rebuffs his advances, he goes through with his decision to pursue his rock star dreams and leaves his wife. A devastated Juno is prepared to back out, but scribbles a note to the wife telling her she can still have the baby if she wants it.
The baby's father, along with Juno's parents, supports Juno's decision, and stays with her throughout her pregnancy, including the delivery. The happy wife, now single, comes to the hospital to joyfully collect the baby boy and begin her new life as Juno cries in the delivery room.
Even the Catholic Church has given its stamp of approval on this, taking the stand that while the film depicted an alternative to abortion, it did not romanticize teen pregnancy or underplay the decisions depicted in the film.
Never assume it won't happen to your kid.
Ever.
No upbringing, no matter how devoutly Christian, or even giving your daughter contraceptives will guarantee that she won't come home with those words on her lips.
Moms...have the talk. Get her a book or have a trusted friend explain it. Your daughter needs to know her body and how it matures.
Dads...know your daughter, even with all her hormones raging. Tell her that she is loved. Most dads tend to back off physically when their daughters reach adolescence, mostly because in today's incest-phobic society, physical affection is frowned upon.
Your little girl, while growing, still needs you. Whether she knows it or not.
NEXT WEEK: Part II
It turns the world upside down for everyone involved, from the soon-to-be teen mother to her parents.
This isn't a visit by the cops because your kid got pulled over for DUI. Nor is it failing grades.
Those problems will hopefully go away after they're properly dealt with. This one won't.
A human life has been created. While a joyous occasion in itself, it's been done far too prematurely. Far before the mother's ability or willingness to provide for it, or the father's or soon-to-be-grandparents for that matter.
Now the decision has to be made as to what to do with that little life.
My own religious beliefs frown upon abortion for any reason, while I myself find myself undecided on it being medically necessary if the mother's life is in jeopardy. Even I know that medical history can be manipulated.
I strongly recommend that every teenager should watch the movie "Juno".
This independent dark comedy deals with the unplanned pregnancy of 16-year-old Juno MacGuff, who discovers she's pregnant after taking a home pregnancy test. Knowing she's not ready to become a mother, she decides to have an abortion. However, she changes her mind upon arriving at the clinic and decides to place the baby up for adoption by placing an ad in the local PennySaver. She finds an affluent couple whom she feels would provide a suitable home for the baby. While the wife is enthusiastic, the husband is reluctant, and develops an attraction to Juno. Though she rebuffs his advances, he goes through with his decision to pursue his rock star dreams and leaves his wife. A devastated Juno is prepared to back out, but scribbles a note to the wife telling her she can still have the baby if she wants it.
The baby's father, along with Juno's parents, supports Juno's decision, and stays with her throughout her pregnancy, including the delivery. The happy wife, now single, comes to the hospital to joyfully collect the baby boy and begin her new life as Juno cries in the delivery room.
Even the Catholic Church has given its stamp of approval on this, taking the stand that while the film depicted an alternative to abortion, it did not romanticize teen pregnancy or underplay the decisions depicted in the film.
Never assume it won't happen to your kid.
Ever.
No upbringing, no matter how devoutly Christian, or even giving your daughter contraceptives will guarantee that she won't come home with those words on her lips.
Moms...have the talk. Get her a book or have a trusted friend explain it. Your daughter needs to know her body and how it matures.
Dads...know your daughter, even with all her hormones raging. Tell her that she is loved. Most dads tend to back off physically when their daughters reach adolescence, mostly because in today's incest-phobic society, physical affection is frowned upon.
Your little girl, while growing, still needs you. Whether she knows it or not.
NEXT WEEK: Part II
Sunday, May 15, 2011
What Happens After School?
No, I don't mean the time when the door bursts open weekdays at 4pm, a loud bellow of "I'm Home!" is followed by a trail of jackets, shoes, and backpacks leading to the refrigerator in a quest for the perfect snack.
I'm talking about when the tassel is moved, followed by a trail of tears, embraces, and promises to stay in touch among their peers.
Welcome to the First Day of the Rest of Their Lives.
The end to compulsory education. The end of summer vacation. The end of Mom and Dad's obligatory legal protection.
This is why they call it "commencement". Not to mark an end, but a new beginning.
Frustrated parents wonder why they can't get their offspring off the couch and be the self-motivators they want them to be.
Ever stop to think they might not know how? And by the time they do, it's like cramming for a final exam?
So when should you start planning for your child's future?
Financially, at birth. Take a minimum of half of your annual income tax return and dedicate it for the very purpose of higher education.
And keep your mouth shut about it. As far as your kid and the rest of the world is concerned, it doesn't exist.
In terms of sitting down, deciding on college or technical school, things like that, it should start the moment your child hits high school.
Find out what your child wants to do with his or her life. And support that choice. If they want to become a lawyer, fine. If they want to bake cakes and maybe have their own bakery, that's fine too. Don't push them to the path of what you want them to be. It's not about you.
If your child is undecided, suggest a two-year program at your local community college, with an undeclared major. Encourage your child to take all gen-ed courses (which in most cases are fully transferrable) until they figure it out.
And if they don't, they (or you) aren't out a lot of money. Most families are recognizing the value of community college affordability compared to the costs of a full four years at a college or university.
And make your child aware of this: the clock is ticking.
While it may sound harsh, the reality is, their existence is based on the ultimate goal of self-sufficiency and becoming a productive member of society. The day will come when they are expected to strike out and live life on their own.
And no...charging your child rent (no matter how high) does not translate into them being on their own. However, it is still a good way to transition them into the outside world if they know in advance to budget their money for needs first, and wants second.
But the bottom line is this: the day will come when they, and you, will need to let go.
NEXT WEEK: "Daddy...I'm Pregnant...Part I"
I'm talking about when the tassel is moved, followed by a trail of tears, embraces, and promises to stay in touch among their peers.
Welcome to the First Day of the Rest of Their Lives.
The end to compulsory education. The end of summer vacation. The end of Mom and Dad's obligatory legal protection.
This is why they call it "commencement". Not to mark an end, but a new beginning.
Frustrated parents wonder why they can't get their offspring off the couch and be the self-motivators they want them to be.
Ever stop to think they might not know how? And by the time they do, it's like cramming for a final exam?
So when should you start planning for your child's future?
Financially, at birth. Take a minimum of half of your annual income tax return and dedicate it for the very purpose of higher education.
And keep your mouth shut about it. As far as your kid and the rest of the world is concerned, it doesn't exist.
In terms of sitting down, deciding on college or technical school, things like that, it should start the moment your child hits high school.
Find out what your child wants to do with his or her life. And support that choice. If they want to become a lawyer, fine. If they want to bake cakes and maybe have their own bakery, that's fine too. Don't push them to the path of what you want them to be. It's not about you.
If your child is undecided, suggest a two-year program at your local community college, with an undeclared major. Encourage your child to take all gen-ed courses (which in most cases are fully transferrable) until they figure it out.
And if they don't, they (or you) aren't out a lot of money. Most families are recognizing the value of community college affordability compared to the costs of a full four years at a college or university.
And make your child aware of this: the clock is ticking.
While it may sound harsh, the reality is, their existence is based on the ultimate goal of self-sufficiency and becoming a productive member of society. The day will come when they are expected to strike out and live life on their own.
And no...charging your child rent (no matter how high) does not translate into them being on their own. However, it is still a good way to transition them into the outside world if they know in advance to budget their money for needs first, and wants second.
But the bottom line is this: the day will come when they, and you, will need to let go.
NEXT WEEK: "Daddy...I'm Pregnant...Part I"
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Summer Vocation
Summer vacation.
A blissful period for children, and a stressful one for parents, who teeter on their last nerve for three months.
And we're almost there.
Summer vacation was created out of necessity when societal economies were mostly agriculture-based. Families were large, out of necessity, as children were needed to help the parents in farming the land necessary to feed the family.
Agriculture gave way to industry, which gave way to technology. One begat another. And another.
American educators have toyed with the idea of eliminating the summer vacation altogether in order to make our children more competitive with their foreign counterparts. As an example, in Soviet-era Russia, the basic education was ten years compared to our twelve. However, by the time the average Russian student reached eighth grade, they knew more about science and math than most American high school graduates.
Think about that. Most high-demand fields such as medicine, engineering, aeronautics, and others in this country are often filled by foreign-born people. They had the foundation of a college-prep education very early in life, and it was not elective.
America has gotten better, but there's much more to be done.
Over Easter dinner with my extended family, my sister-in-law informed me that my six-year-old nephew had to be able to count to a hundred by the time he finished kindergarten.
We were lucky to be able to count to twenty by that time, helped largely by the efforts of Sesame Street.
Back to the issue at hand...we need the summer vacation.
As kids enter adolescence, they tend to get bored. They spend more time chatting on the computer with their friends or texting.
They need something to do to occupy their time. Even retirees are re-entering the workforce on a part-time basis. Not really because of need, but their forever-busy lives of the past have left them with a hole in their lives that needs something to prove their continued value to society.
Once your child reaches adolescence, they can either work a summer job, or do volunteer work.
Volunteer work, while not providing a paycheck, still has its rewards and can open doors to the future. Service organizations like Rotary, Lions, and others provide annual scholarships to qualified students who donate their time towards serving others. Candy-stripers are a great example to young people wanting to enter the medical profession.
A summer job can also teach your young son or daughter the true value of money. The joy of spending, while tempered with the merits of saving. They learn that what they get in life is earned, and never given.
Hey Johnny, want your own car? Start working and saving now. With your meager earnings, it's not going to be a Cadillac. And you'll have to pay your own insurance too. Want your own cell phone? Or you have a prepay with limited 'mom-and-dad minutes' and want more? Pay up!
Most companies hire summer help as young as age 14 these days. If your child wants a summer job, tell them to start looking and applying as early as December.
And no, that's not too early. Especially if you want your child to get a better start early in life in a non-retail environment.
Parks and rec departments, colleges, government entities and others that look particularly good on resumes typically review applications and resumes in the winter, narrow down their lists of candidates, and begin a rigorous interview process with the intent of having young people trained and hired at the right amount of time.
Most importantly, this is a great time to bond with your teenager. Share your own interviewing and job-seeking skills. Money is a great motivator for anyone. By doing so, you're giving them a better shot at having a better future than you had.
After all, isn't that what it's about?
NEXT WEEK: What Happens Next?
A blissful period for children, and a stressful one for parents, who teeter on their last nerve for three months.
And we're almost there.
Summer vacation was created out of necessity when societal economies were mostly agriculture-based. Families were large, out of necessity, as children were needed to help the parents in farming the land necessary to feed the family.
Agriculture gave way to industry, which gave way to technology. One begat another. And another.
American educators have toyed with the idea of eliminating the summer vacation altogether in order to make our children more competitive with their foreign counterparts. As an example, in Soviet-era Russia, the basic education was ten years compared to our twelve. However, by the time the average Russian student reached eighth grade, they knew more about science and math than most American high school graduates.
Think about that. Most high-demand fields such as medicine, engineering, aeronautics, and others in this country are often filled by foreign-born people. They had the foundation of a college-prep education very early in life, and it was not elective.
America has gotten better, but there's much more to be done.
Over Easter dinner with my extended family, my sister-in-law informed me that my six-year-old nephew had to be able to count to a hundred by the time he finished kindergarten.
We were lucky to be able to count to twenty by that time, helped largely by the efforts of Sesame Street.
Back to the issue at hand...we need the summer vacation.
As kids enter adolescence, they tend to get bored. They spend more time chatting on the computer with their friends or texting.
They need something to do to occupy their time. Even retirees are re-entering the workforce on a part-time basis. Not really because of need, but their forever-busy lives of the past have left them with a hole in their lives that needs something to prove their continued value to society.
Once your child reaches adolescence, they can either work a summer job, or do volunteer work.
Volunteer work, while not providing a paycheck, still has its rewards and can open doors to the future. Service organizations like Rotary, Lions, and others provide annual scholarships to qualified students who donate their time towards serving others. Candy-stripers are a great example to young people wanting to enter the medical profession.
A summer job can also teach your young son or daughter the true value of money. The joy of spending, while tempered with the merits of saving. They learn that what they get in life is earned, and never given.
Hey Johnny, want your own car? Start working and saving now. With your meager earnings, it's not going to be a Cadillac. And you'll have to pay your own insurance too. Want your own cell phone? Or you have a prepay with limited 'mom-and-dad minutes' and want more? Pay up!
Most companies hire summer help as young as age 14 these days. If your child wants a summer job, tell them to start looking and applying as early as December.
And no, that's not too early. Especially if you want your child to get a better start early in life in a non-retail environment.
Parks and rec departments, colleges, government entities and others that look particularly good on resumes typically review applications and resumes in the winter, narrow down their lists of candidates, and begin a rigorous interview process with the intent of having young people trained and hired at the right amount of time.
Most importantly, this is a great time to bond with your teenager. Share your own interviewing and job-seeking skills. Money is a great motivator for anyone. By doing so, you're giving them a better shot at having a better future than you had.
After all, isn't that what it's about?
NEXT WEEK: What Happens Next?
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Keep the Fire Extinguisher Handy...For Your Pants
Liar, liar, pants on fire!
It's the opening line of a one-hit wonder recorded in 1965 by the Minnesota-based garage band "The Castaways".
Then there's the song "Liar", recorded by Three Dog Night in 1970 and featured on their album "Naturally". That simple word makes up the entire chorus of the song.
Then there's the 1997 movie starring Jim Carrey, Maura Tierney and Cary Elwes. Carrey's character lies so much that his young son makes a birthday wish that for one day, his father can't tell a lie...which comes true, with results that are both hilarious and disastrous at the same time.
Bill Cosby addressed is his 1982 "Himself" concert film how someone once told him that children are truthful. He counters this statement with "a fifteen-month-old child knows when to lie", using a forbidden cookie as an example.
But how does a child LEARN to lie?
Go take a good hard look in the mirror.
You'll find your answer there.
I find it amusing on how parents can call their child out for lying while at the same time saying "I'm not home!" to their spouse heading for their ringing phone.
Even "The Family Circus", calls attention to this. Billy, Jeffy, Dolly and P.J. are standing at the open door to a trenchcoated man, and Billy calls out "It's a salesman, Mommy. Should we tell him you're not home?"
As parents, we plant the seeds.
Children come into this world knowing nothing at all. They assimilate into the world that surrounds them. A world of cheaters, liars, dishonesty, and other bad things that they often see with rose-colored glasses.
This is where you as a parent come in. To shield them against these things.
You lie about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the real reason Grandma "went to Heaven".
These aren't bad.
Stating bold-faced lies to family, friends, and associates are wrong. On the other hand, brutal honesty is not always the best policy.
This is where a positive mental attitude can mean the entire world.
Show your child the beauty in something you know is ugly.
That spider might be ugly...but for the most part, they stay confined to their webs and out of the way, while feeding on houseflies and other household pests that make us reach for the Black Flag.
Choose your words carefully.
Don't want to take that call? Simply say "take a message". That's it. You decide whether or not to return the call.
All lies do is perpetuate a cycle of deceit.
Your thoughts, actions, and words, whether you know it or not, crystallize in your child's mind at an early age.
An honest parent will make an honest child.
Unless they decide to enter politics. That's a whole other column.
NEXT WEEK: For the Future
It's the opening line of a one-hit wonder recorded in 1965 by the Minnesota-based garage band "The Castaways".
Then there's the song "Liar", recorded by Three Dog Night in 1970 and featured on their album "Naturally". That simple word makes up the entire chorus of the song.
Then there's the 1997 movie starring Jim Carrey, Maura Tierney and Cary Elwes. Carrey's character lies so much that his young son makes a birthday wish that for one day, his father can't tell a lie...which comes true, with results that are both hilarious and disastrous at the same time.
Bill Cosby addressed is his 1982 "Himself" concert film how someone once told him that children are truthful. He counters this statement with "a fifteen-month-old child knows when to lie", using a forbidden cookie as an example.
But how does a child LEARN to lie?
Go take a good hard look in the mirror.
You'll find your answer there.
I find it amusing on how parents can call their child out for lying while at the same time saying "I'm not home!" to their spouse heading for their ringing phone.
Even "The Family Circus", calls attention to this. Billy, Jeffy, Dolly and P.J. are standing at the open door to a trenchcoated man, and Billy calls out "It's a salesman, Mommy. Should we tell him you're not home?"
As parents, we plant the seeds.
Children come into this world knowing nothing at all. They assimilate into the world that surrounds them. A world of cheaters, liars, dishonesty, and other bad things that they often see with rose-colored glasses.
This is where you as a parent come in. To shield them against these things.
You lie about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the real reason Grandma "went to Heaven".
These aren't bad.
Stating bold-faced lies to family, friends, and associates are wrong. On the other hand, brutal honesty is not always the best policy.
This is where a positive mental attitude can mean the entire world.
Show your child the beauty in something you know is ugly.
That spider might be ugly...but for the most part, they stay confined to their webs and out of the way, while feeding on houseflies and other household pests that make us reach for the Black Flag.
Choose your words carefully.
Don't want to take that call? Simply say "take a message". That's it. You decide whether or not to return the call.
All lies do is perpetuate a cycle of deceit.
Your thoughts, actions, and words, whether you know it or not, crystallize in your child's mind at an early age.
An honest parent will make an honest child.
Unless they decide to enter politics. That's a whole other column.
NEXT WEEK: For the Future
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Salute to Corporal Punishment
The first time I had ever learned about 'corporal punishment' was in junior high school.
Of course, it had been practiced on me years prior, but I didn't know it had a formal name...other than a good old fashioned butt-whoopin'.
All I could really focus on was the name. All I thought of was the military. Was it used in the military? After seeing the movie "Full Metal Jacket" for the first time, I'm sure Vincent D'Onofrio's character would have wished for it compared with what he got that night in his bunk.
There's a running gag on the CBS sitcom "How I Met Your Mother", where phrases uttered unwittingly by the first person like 'general idea', 'major problem', 'private matter', are followed by the second person repeating the phrase accompanied by a salute. Yes, 'corporal punishment' would apply here.
My thoughts return to the 1982-83 Kiski Area School District handbook, and the quote contained therein...
"It is important at this time for parents to be aware of the rules and regulations pertaining to corporal punishment. First, what is corporal punishment? Corporal punishment is paddling a student. Hopefully, it is used only when all other types of discipline have failed."
Sometimes it was, and other times, it wasn't. More often than not, it was a motivational threat uttered by some teachers, and that was enough to keep students in line. Self included.
Corporal punishment has all but disappeared not just from schools, but from society in general.
Child advocates call it a counter-productive form of abuse, stating that it has no bearing whatsoever on a child's behavior. I strongly disagree.
Corporal punishment can be effective if it is truly treated as a last resort, and never as a first line of defense. Confined to the backside only with no more force other than your bare hand. And certainly never tempered with anger.
Punishment must be on an even keel that maintains the child's respect towards the parent. Remember, respect is something that is earned, not demanded.
Those that don't spank often resort to yelling. This too accomplishes nothing.
I get a kick out of seeing parents yell and scream until they're blue in the face, knowing they're doing nothing other than fostering feelings of fear, hate, resentment and bitterness in their children.
As my golf-happy father-in-law would say "it's all in the follow-through".
When a child does wrong, it must be explained WHY their behavior is wrong and why they're being corrected. If a child is struck without explanation, it will ultimately lead to defiance.
Respect is a two-way street. Never lose sight of this. Does it mean you have to bow down and kiss your child's backside to make them fall in line? Of course not. But your child must be told in a calm and rational tone that there are consequences for errant and defiant behavior, and those consequences will be enforced. And it's up to you to see that they're enforced.
My 21-month-old daughter has had to learn the hard way about time-outs twice. She was given ample warning to improve her behavior prior to the time-out. The time-outs were effective, and she has never had to be spanked.
But that day may come where there is no alternative.
I sure won't look forward to it. But I won't hesitate to do it.
I got my hindquarters swatted plenty of times in my youth. Yet I'm successful, I'm not a part of the criminal justice system, and I'm a productive member of society. Not part of this generation raised on entitlement that we've seemed to have perpetuated.
You can read all the parenting books you want. But taking time to think things through and drawing from your own past experiences can make all the difference.
NEXT WEEK: Liar, Liar
Of course, it had been practiced on me years prior, but I didn't know it had a formal name...other than a good old fashioned butt-whoopin'.
All I could really focus on was the name. All I thought of was the military. Was it used in the military? After seeing the movie "Full Metal Jacket" for the first time, I'm sure Vincent D'Onofrio's character would have wished for it compared with what he got that night in his bunk.
There's a running gag on the CBS sitcom "How I Met Your Mother", where phrases uttered unwittingly by the first person like 'general idea', 'major problem', 'private matter', are followed by the second person repeating the phrase accompanied by a salute. Yes, 'corporal punishment' would apply here.
My thoughts return to the 1982-83 Kiski Area School District handbook, and the quote contained therein...
"It is important at this time for parents to be aware of the rules and regulations pertaining to corporal punishment. First, what is corporal punishment? Corporal punishment is paddling a student. Hopefully, it is used only when all other types of discipline have failed."
Sometimes it was, and other times, it wasn't. More often than not, it was a motivational threat uttered by some teachers, and that was enough to keep students in line. Self included.
Corporal punishment has all but disappeared not just from schools, but from society in general.
Child advocates call it a counter-productive form of abuse, stating that it has no bearing whatsoever on a child's behavior. I strongly disagree.
Corporal punishment can be effective if it is truly treated as a last resort, and never as a first line of defense. Confined to the backside only with no more force other than your bare hand. And certainly never tempered with anger.
Punishment must be on an even keel that maintains the child's respect towards the parent. Remember, respect is something that is earned, not demanded.
Those that don't spank often resort to yelling. This too accomplishes nothing.
I get a kick out of seeing parents yell and scream until they're blue in the face, knowing they're doing nothing other than fostering feelings of fear, hate, resentment and bitterness in their children.
As my golf-happy father-in-law would say "it's all in the follow-through".
When a child does wrong, it must be explained WHY their behavior is wrong and why they're being corrected. If a child is struck without explanation, it will ultimately lead to defiance.
Respect is a two-way street. Never lose sight of this. Does it mean you have to bow down and kiss your child's backside to make them fall in line? Of course not. But your child must be told in a calm and rational tone that there are consequences for errant and defiant behavior, and those consequences will be enforced. And it's up to you to see that they're enforced.
My 21-month-old daughter has had to learn the hard way about time-outs twice. She was given ample warning to improve her behavior prior to the time-out. The time-outs were effective, and she has never had to be spanked.
But that day may come where there is no alternative.
I sure won't look forward to it. But I won't hesitate to do it.
I got my hindquarters swatted plenty of times in my youth. Yet I'm successful, I'm not a part of the criminal justice system, and I'm a productive member of society. Not part of this generation raised on entitlement that we've seemed to have perpetuated.
You can read all the parenting books you want. But taking time to think things through and drawing from your own past experiences can make all the difference.
NEXT WEEK: Liar, Liar
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The Truth About Boys and Girls
They grow up fast, don't they?
And these days, they grow up faster than you would ever imagine.
Especially among my family and my best friend, whom I lump in as part of my family.
During a family gathering, when no children were present, my sister-in-law shared a story about how my seven-and-a-half-year-old niece (her daughter) asked her mother "how big is my uterus?"
After I sucked my eyeballs back into my head and blotted the green tea that made its way through my nasal passages, I collected myself and asked her how she handled the inquiry.
My sister-in-law explained to her what her uterus was, where it was, and what its purpose was. Of course, this snowballed into a blizzard of subsequent questions.
All of which were answered truthfully, notwithstanding.
However, my niece was reminded that other parents may not be ready to expose this information to their own children. And that it was best to keep this knowledge to herself. If someone asked her a question, it was OK to answer truthfully, but not volunteer the information.
This wasn't a problem. My niece was so bewildered at what she just learned that it was best to keep it under wraps. For a long time.
And that can't be a bad thing.
My best friend and his wife handled the situation with their own daughters in similar fashion. And the reaction wasn't different that that of my niece, but definitely very quotable:
"Ewwwwwww!!!!!"
Whether your kid can "handle the truth" or not is immaterial. Someday they will simply have to.
Hold off on volunteering it, but don't withhold information or lie about it.
Personally, I got a book. Which I highly recommend.
"Love and Sex in Plain Language" by Eric W. Johnson, a schoolteacher. He wrote the book in the early 1980s and added an update on AIDS in another run of the book by the decade's end. You can find it at Amazon.com.
It's written in an easy to read format for adolescents, without downtalk but without overly technical medical information that can leave young people confused.
So talk to your kids about the facts of life. Not talking about it won't avoid the situation. Even if all you can muster is the book, so be it.
NEXT WEEK: Corporal Punishment? Sir, yes sir!
And these days, they grow up faster than you would ever imagine.
Especially among my family and my best friend, whom I lump in as part of my family.
During a family gathering, when no children were present, my sister-in-law shared a story about how my seven-and-a-half-year-old niece (her daughter) asked her mother "how big is my uterus?"
After I sucked my eyeballs back into my head and blotted the green tea that made its way through my nasal passages, I collected myself and asked her how she handled the inquiry.
My sister-in-law explained to her what her uterus was, where it was, and what its purpose was. Of course, this snowballed into a blizzard of subsequent questions.
All of which were answered truthfully, notwithstanding.
However, my niece was reminded that other parents may not be ready to expose this information to their own children. And that it was best to keep this knowledge to herself. If someone asked her a question, it was OK to answer truthfully, but not volunteer the information.
This wasn't a problem. My niece was so bewildered at what she just learned that it was best to keep it under wraps. For a long time.
And that can't be a bad thing.
My best friend and his wife handled the situation with their own daughters in similar fashion. And the reaction wasn't different that that of my niece, but definitely very quotable:
"Ewwwwwww!!!!!"
Whether your kid can "handle the truth" or not is immaterial. Someday they will simply have to.
Hold off on volunteering it, but don't withhold information or lie about it.
Personally, I got a book. Which I highly recommend.
"Love and Sex in Plain Language" by Eric W. Johnson, a schoolteacher. He wrote the book in the early 1980s and added an update on AIDS in another run of the book by the decade's end. You can find it at Amazon.com.
It's written in an easy to read format for adolescents, without downtalk but without overly technical medical information that can leave young people confused.
So talk to your kids about the facts of life. Not talking about it won't avoid the situation. Even if all you can muster is the book, so be it.
NEXT WEEK: Corporal Punishment? Sir, yes sir!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Teach Your Children...Part III
There's two ways parents can choose to raise their children...Lead by Example and Do as I Say, Not as I Do.
More often than not, I see the latter in place...and yet these same parents get upset when their offspring imitates their thoughts and actions.
How you conduct yourself affects the way your children to grow up, whether you intend it to be that way or not.
Your child is a constant presence in your life. Yet how many times have you come home complaining about your job, your boss, or your life in general? How many times have you said something unkind to your spouse? Or a parent? A neighbor, perhaps? How many times have you stated bold-faced lies to another in the presence of your own children?
Negative behaviors affect your child's upbringing in more ways than you ever could imagine. And when we call them on it, we don't often stop and think that we might be the source of the problem.
A father that berates his wife in front of his young son will experience his son believing it's OK to berate women, and will likely have problems with the boy talking back to his mother. That's just the tip of the iceberg.
My mind flashes back to a televised public service announcement I once saw years ago from the 1980s, sponsored by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America. You can still find it on YouTube.
A father walks into his son's bedroom while the kid's listening to music on headphones connected to his stereo. The father walks in and shuts the music off, confronting his son with a cigar box containing the kid's dope stash.
"Who taught you how to do this?" the father asks testily.
The kid, ashamed at first, takes a beat, and then looks his father in the eyes and blurts out the line in anguish:
"You, all right? I learned it by watching you!"
"Do as I Say, Not as I Do", huh?
Your responsibility as a parent is to raise a productive member of society into successful adulthood. How do you use drugs yet tell your child it's wrong?
There's no more fundamental teaching than right and wrong. Period. Without evil, there can be no good. And vice-versa. The fine line. Black and White.
Now that line between the black and white is bleeding into gray...we manage to reconcile behaviors that are wrong to our offspring, and the cycle then perpetuates.
Everyone has vices. Self included. My wife and I enjoy a bottle of wine about once or twice a week. Most often, we enjoy it after our daughter goes to bed for the night.
But we also enjoy it responsibly. I pointed this out to my young nephew, raised in a home with strong Christian values. He pointed out to his Uncle Ken that drinking was a sin.
Is it, I said?
I patiently took out my Bible and pointed out several passages that involved the consumption of wine in a positive manner. Then I pointed out the negative. The difference was the effect produced by overconsumption.
He got the message.
I don't have to get on a soapbox and preach the difference between right and wrong. The difference is whether we choose to embrace it or turn our backs to it in favor of living our lives 'our way'.
You know what to do.
Do it.
NEXT WEEK: Truth or Consequences
More often than not, I see the latter in place...and yet these same parents get upset when their offspring imitates their thoughts and actions.
How you conduct yourself affects the way your children to grow up, whether you intend it to be that way or not.
Your child is a constant presence in your life. Yet how many times have you come home complaining about your job, your boss, or your life in general? How many times have you said something unkind to your spouse? Or a parent? A neighbor, perhaps? How many times have you stated bold-faced lies to another in the presence of your own children?
Negative behaviors affect your child's upbringing in more ways than you ever could imagine. And when we call them on it, we don't often stop and think that we might be the source of the problem.
A father that berates his wife in front of his young son will experience his son believing it's OK to berate women, and will likely have problems with the boy talking back to his mother. That's just the tip of the iceberg.
My mind flashes back to a televised public service announcement I once saw years ago from the 1980s, sponsored by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America. You can still find it on YouTube.
A father walks into his son's bedroom while the kid's listening to music on headphones connected to his stereo. The father walks in and shuts the music off, confronting his son with a cigar box containing the kid's dope stash.
"Who taught you how to do this?" the father asks testily.
The kid, ashamed at first, takes a beat, and then looks his father in the eyes and blurts out the line in anguish:
"You, all right? I learned it by watching you!"
"Do as I Say, Not as I Do", huh?
Your responsibility as a parent is to raise a productive member of society into successful adulthood. How do you use drugs yet tell your child it's wrong?
There's no more fundamental teaching than right and wrong. Period. Without evil, there can be no good. And vice-versa. The fine line. Black and White.
Now that line between the black and white is bleeding into gray...we manage to reconcile behaviors that are wrong to our offspring, and the cycle then perpetuates.
Everyone has vices. Self included. My wife and I enjoy a bottle of wine about once or twice a week. Most often, we enjoy it after our daughter goes to bed for the night.
But we also enjoy it responsibly. I pointed this out to my young nephew, raised in a home with strong Christian values. He pointed out to his Uncle Ken that drinking was a sin.
Is it, I said?
I patiently took out my Bible and pointed out several passages that involved the consumption of wine in a positive manner. Then I pointed out the negative. The difference was the effect produced by overconsumption.
He got the message.
I don't have to get on a soapbox and preach the difference between right and wrong. The difference is whether we choose to embrace it or turn our backs to it in favor of living our lives 'our way'.
You know what to do.
Do it.
NEXT WEEK: Truth or Consequences
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Teach Your Children...Part II
Yep, there's a 'Part II'. And next week will be the final installment of this little series.
As much as you've heard me complain about teachers represented by unions that still have the right to strike, I still respect those entrusted with the burdensome task of educating our youth. Because they care about the education of our children...not about the benefit package or paycheck.
So much so, that these words by a student to a teacher can cut like a knife:
"I'm thinking of quitting".
School.
My mind flashes back to eighth grade in junior high school. I remember a young man named Jon. I call him a young man because he looked like he had repeated at least couple years.
Our teacher, Mrs. Lyle, had asked around the room at the start of the school year what we wanted to do with our lives after school. Apparently Jon wanted to get a head start on the rest of us with that very statement.
Mrs. Lyle gasped. She said pleadingly 'no, don't say that, Jon'. She had hoped that she would change his mind and maybe get his progress to improve.
She didn't. On his last day, she pleaded with him again to reconsider, imploring him that dropping out would come back to haunt him in time, and that he would have it hard for the rest of his life. It didn't seem to faze him.
No one but Jon and his family and closest friends know the reason of why he didn't finish school. I still think about him every now and again and wonder how his life turned out. He's not the only one.
No parent worth his or her salt should ever allow their child to quit school. "What can I do?" a frustrated father exclaimed to me one day. "I can't make him go after he turns 18!"
I asked if the lad still lived at home. He did.
If the kid felt he had learned everything he could from school, then he learned enough to set off and live life on his own. That meant packing his bags and moving out.
The father, whom I'll call Don (not his real name), was appalled. How heartless could I be?
Not heartless. The toughest form of tough love there was. Try it, I said.
With some reluctance, Don did just that.
The kid reconsidered his game plan. He did graduate...and just a few GPA points short of the honor roll. He enlisted in the military after that.
Results not typical, by the way.
Others still drop out and move out. They struggle for awhile, but then get their GED, and either continue to struggle or go to college or trade school afterwards and change their lives for the better.
Most people don't realize they've screwed up until they're 40 or 50. If ever.
The lessons school teaches you aren't just academic in nature. They give you a crash course in the school of hard knocks too.
If you're studying to be an architect, do you REALLY need Gen-Ed classes like philosophy, world cultures, or psychology?
Probably not. But that's not the point.
Adversity is one of those things that can't be directly taught in school. Thus, it's learned indirectly through jumping over hurdles to get to the ultimate goal...that little piece of paper. Ever so more important than ever in a rapidly tightening job market.
The point is, nothing truly earned is ever easy. Life is not meant to be easy. That's for your retirement years, if you're fortunate enough to live that long. And the quality of life in those years will depend on how well you planned for them earlier in life.
As I alluded to last week, you too are a teacher.
Teach your children the value of education.
They not only need it, but it's your responsibility.
And it's their right.
NEXT WEEK: Teach by Example
As much as you've heard me complain about teachers represented by unions that still have the right to strike, I still respect those entrusted with the burdensome task of educating our youth. Because they care about the education of our children...not about the benefit package or paycheck.
So much so, that these words by a student to a teacher can cut like a knife:
"I'm thinking of quitting".
School.
My mind flashes back to eighth grade in junior high school. I remember a young man named Jon. I call him a young man because he looked like he had repeated at least couple years.
Our teacher, Mrs. Lyle, had asked around the room at the start of the school year what we wanted to do with our lives after school. Apparently Jon wanted to get a head start on the rest of us with that very statement.
Mrs. Lyle gasped. She said pleadingly 'no, don't say that, Jon'. She had hoped that she would change his mind and maybe get his progress to improve.
She didn't. On his last day, she pleaded with him again to reconsider, imploring him that dropping out would come back to haunt him in time, and that he would have it hard for the rest of his life. It didn't seem to faze him.
No one but Jon and his family and closest friends know the reason of why he didn't finish school. I still think about him every now and again and wonder how his life turned out. He's not the only one.
No parent worth his or her salt should ever allow their child to quit school. "What can I do?" a frustrated father exclaimed to me one day. "I can't make him go after he turns 18!"
I asked if the lad still lived at home. He did.
If the kid felt he had learned everything he could from school, then he learned enough to set off and live life on his own. That meant packing his bags and moving out.
The father, whom I'll call Don (not his real name), was appalled. How heartless could I be?
Not heartless. The toughest form of tough love there was. Try it, I said.
With some reluctance, Don did just that.
The kid reconsidered his game plan. He did graduate...and just a few GPA points short of the honor roll. He enlisted in the military after that.
Results not typical, by the way.
Others still drop out and move out. They struggle for awhile, but then get their GED, and either continue to struggle or go to college or trade school afterwards and change their lives for the better.
Most people don't realize they've screwed up until they're 40 or 50. If ever.
The lessons school teaches you aren't just academic in nature. They give you a crash course in the school of hard knocks too.
If you're studying to be an architect, do you REALLY need Gen-Ed classes like philosophy, world cultures, or psychology?
Probably not. But that's not the point.
Adversity is one of those things that can't be directly taught in school. Thus, it's learned indirectly through jumping over hurdles to get to the ultimate goal...that little piece of paper. Ever so more important than ever in a rapidly tightening job market.
The point is, nothing truly earned is ever easy. Life is not meant to be easy. That's for your retirement years, if you're fortunate enough to live that long. And the quality of life in those years will depend on how well you planned for them earlier in life.
As I alluded to last week, you too are a teacher.
Teach your children the value of education.
They not only need it, but it's your responsibility.
And it's their right.
NEXT WEEK: Teach by Example
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