"I'm Pregnant, Daddy"...Part II

Now that you've gotten over the shock, outrage, guilt, horror and the myriad of emotions that only the most unplanned of unplanned pregnancies brings, what do you do?
Keep it to raise, or give it up for adoption?
You choose abortion, you're on your own.
Keeping the child must be a mutual decision.  Granted, it's your daughter's child, but it must be stated that your daughter too, is still a child. 
First and foremost, keep at hand the advice I repetitively hand out:
It's Not About You.
This pregnancy should never be treated as an opportunity for prolonged youth by the unborn child's grandparents, or as a financial means-to-an-end for a teen mother seeing subsequent social security income as a way to assert her independence from her parents and avoid work.
Don't forget about your own retirement.  That carefully-charted course you planned for your sunset years has been all but rudely interrupted.
If you all mutually decide to keep the baby, here are the details you need to work out:
Your daughter still needs a high school education.  Not having one will severely handicap her not just in the job market, but in life, as technology rapidly advances and she is not properly prepared for life on her own.
She will not be able to attend school with her classmates if both her parents work outside the home during the day.  Can your household survive on one income?  Is a shift change possible?  Is another family member willing to help?
Your daughter also needs to know that when school is not in session, she will be expected to deal with her child when she comes home.  If she has homework or needs study time, she gets a set amount of it and will be expected to adhere to it.  And she will be expected to keep her grades up.
The father of the child, just because he chooses to 'run out', should not be allowed to get off the hook.  He created that life in equal measure, and should share that responsibility accordingly.  Even if it means legal action against his parents.
If your daughter wants to continue her education after graduation, make it clear to her that you will only help raise her child...not raise it for her.  She will be expected to continue raising her child while going to school.  And the college experience as she's been conditioned by her peers to see it will never apply to her.
Say goodbye to the dorm at State, and say hello to the bus pass at community.
This is reality, pure and simple.  Lots of lives are affected here.
It should also be noted that your daughter should not be perpetually punished for wanting to keep her baby...provided she's the one keeping it, and not you.
It should also be noted that it was not your choice for her to have this child.  Why should she stick it with you while she goes out galavanting like she has a second chance at carefree youth? 
These are issues that need addressed with your daughter sooner, rather than later.  Childbirth should never be part of the childhood experience.  Remind her of this.
If she's not prepared to deal with the challenges relative to parenthood, she needs to look at adoption.  We'll address that next week.

NEXT WEEK:  What I just said.  Or, Part III.

"I'm Pregnant, Daddy." Part I

It's every parent's worst nightmare, second only to the death of their child.
It turns the world upside down for everyone involved, from the soon-to-be teen mother to her parents.
This isn't a visit by the cops because your kid got pulled over for DUI.  Nor is it failing grades.
Those problems will hopefully go away after they're properly dealt with.  This one won't.
A human life has been created.  While a joyous occasion in itself, it's been done far too prematurely.  Far before the mother's ability or willingness to provide for it, or the father's or soon-to-be-grandparents for that matter.
Now the decision has to be made as to what to do with that little life.
My own religious beliefs frown upon abortion for any reason, while I myself find myself undecided on it being medically necessary if the mother's life is in jeopardy.  Even I know that medical history can be manipulated.
I strongly recommend that every teenager should watch the movie "Juno".
This independent dark comedy deals with the unplanned pregnancy of 16-year-old Juno MacGuff, who discovers she's pregnant after taking a home pregnancy test.  Knowing she's not ready to become a mother, she decides to have an abortion.  However, she changes her mind upon arriving at the clinic and decides to place the baby up for adoption by placing an ad in the local PennySaver.  She finds an affluent couple whom she feels would provide a suitable home for the baby.  While the wife is enthusiastic, the husband is reluctant, and develops an attraction to Juno.  Though she rebuffs his advances, he goes through with his decision to pursue his rock star dreams and leaves his wife.  A devastated Juno is prepared to back out, but scribbles a note to the wife telling her she can still have the baby if she wants it.
The baby's father, along with Juno's parents, supports Juno's decision, and stays with her throughout her pregnancy, including the delivery.  The happy wife, now single, comes to the hospital to joyfully collect the baby boy and begin her new life as Juno cries in the delivery room.
Even the Catholic Church has given its stamp of approval on this, taking the stand that while the film depicted an alternative to abortion, it did not romanticize teen pregnancy or underplay the decisions depicted in the film.
Never assume it won't happen to your kid.
Ever.
No upbringing, no matter how devoutly Christian, or even giving your daughter contraceptives will guarantee that she won't come home with those words on her lips.
Moms...have the talk.  Get her a book or have a trusted friend explain it.  Your daughter needs to know her body and how it matures. 
Dads...know your daughter, even with all her hormones raging.  Tell her that she is loved.  Most dads tend to back off physically when their daughters reach adolescence, mostly because in today's incest-phobic society, physical affection is frowned upon. 
Your little girl, while growing, still needs you.  Whether she knows it or not.

NEXT WEEK:  Part II

What Happens After School?

No, I don't mean the time when the door bursts open weekdays at 4pm, a loud bellow of "I'm Home!" is followed by a trail of jackets, shoes, and backpacks leading to the refrigerator in a quest for the perfect snack.
I'm talking about when the tassel is moved, followed by a trail of tears, embraces, and promises to stay in touch among their peers.
Welcome to the First Day of the Rest of Their Lives.
The end to compulsory education.  The end of summer vacation.  The end of Mom and Dad's obligatory legal protection.
This is why they call it "commencement".  Not to mark an end, but a new beginning.
Frustrated parents wonder why they can't get their offspring off the couch and be the self-motivators they want them to be.
Ever stop to think they might not know how?  And by the time they do, it's like cramming for a final exam?
So when should you start planning for your child's future?
Financially, at birth.  Take a minimum of half of your annual income tax return and dedicate it for the very purpose of higher education. 
And keep your mouth shut about it.  As far as your kid and the rest of the world is concerned, it doesn't exist.
In terms of sitting down, deciding on college or technical school, things like that, it should start the moment your child hits high school.
Find out what your child wants to do with his or her life.  And support that choice.  If they want to become a lawyer, fine.  If they want to bake cakes and maybe have their own bakery, that's fine too.  Don't push them to the path of what you want them to be.  It's not about you.
If your child is undecided, suggest a two-year program at your local community college, with an undeclared major.  Encourage your child to take all gen-ed courses (which in most cases are fully transferrable) until they figure it out.
And if they don't, they (or you) aren't out a lot of money.  Most families are recognizing the value of community college affordability compared to the costs of a full four years at a college or university.
And make your child aware of this:  the clock is ticking.
While it may sound harsh, the reality is, their existence is based on the ultimate goal of self-sufficiency and becoming a productive member of society.  The day will come when they are expected to strike out and live life on their own.
And no...charging your child rent (no matter how high) does not translate into them being on their own.  However, it is still a good way to transition them into the outside world if they know in advance to budget their money for needs first, and wants second.
But the bottom line is this:  the day will come when they, and you, will need to let go. 

NEXT WEEK:  "Daddy...I'm Pregnant...Part I"

Summer Vocation

Summer vacation. 
A blissful period for children, and a stressful one for parents, who teeter on their last nerve for three months.
And we're almost there.
Summer vacation was created out of necessity when societal economies were mostly agriculture-based.  Families were large, out of necessity, as children were needed to help the parents in farming the land necessary to feed the family. 
Agriculture gave way to industry, which gave way to technology.  One begat another.  And another.
American educators have toyed with the idea of eliminating the summer vacation altogether in order to make our children more competitive with their foreign counterparts.  As an example, in Soviet-era Russia, the basic education was ten years compared to our twelve.  However, by the time the average Russian student reached eighth grade, they knew more about science and math than most American high school graduates.
Think about that.  Most high-demand fields such as medicine, engineering, aeronautics, and others in this country are often filled by foreign-born people.  They had the foundation of a college-prep education very early in life, and it was not elective.
America has gotten better, but there's much more to be done.
Over Easter dinner with my extended family, my sister-in-law informed me that my six-year-old nephew had to be able to count to a hundred by the time he finished kindergarten.
We were lucky to be able to count to twenty by that time, helped largely by the efforts of Sesame Street.
Back to the issue at hand...we need the summer vacation.
As kids enter adolescence, they tend to get bored.  They spend more time chatting on the computer with their friends or texting. 
They need something to do to occupy their time.  Even retirees are re-entering the workforce on a part-time basis.  Not really because of need, but their forever-busy lives of the past have left them with a hole in their lives that needs something to prove their continued value to society.
Once your child reaches adolescence, they can either work a summer job, or do volunteer work.
Volunteer work, while not providing a paycheck, still has its rewards and can open doors to the future.  Service organizations like Rotary, Lions, and others provide annual scholarships to qualified students who donate their time towards serving others.  Candy-stripers are a great example to young people wanting to enter the medical profession.
A summer job can also teach your young son or daughter the true value of money.  The joy of spending, while tempered with the merits of saving.  They learn that what they get in life is earned, and never given. 
Hey Johnny, want your own car?  Start working and saving now.  With your meager earnings, it's not going to be a Cadillac.  And you'll have to pay your own insurance too.  Want your own cell phone?  Or you have a prepay with limited 'mom-and-dad minutes' and want more?  Pay up!
Most companies hire summer help as young as age 14 these days.  If your child wants a summer job, tell them to start looking and applying as early as December.
And no, that's not too early.  Especially if you want your child to get a better start early in life in a non-retail environment.
Parks and rec departments, colleges, government entities and others that look particularly good on resumes typically review applications and resumes in the winter, narrow down their lists of candidates, and begin a rigorous interview process with the intent of having young people trained and hired at the right amount of time.
Most importantly, this is a great time to bond with your teenager.  Share your own interviewing and job-seeking skills.  Money is a great motivator for anyone.  By doing so, you're giving them a better shot at having a better future than you had.
After all, isn't that what it's about?

NEXT WEEK:  What Happens Next?

Keep the Fire Extinguisher Handy...For Your Pants

Liar, liar, pants on fire!
It's the opening line of a one-hit wonder recorded in 1965 by the Minnesota-based garage band "The Castaways". 
Then there's the song "Liar", recorded by Three Dog Night in 1970 and featured on their album "Naturally".  That simple word makes up the entire chorus of the song.
Then there's the 1997 movie starring Jim Carrey, Maura Tierney and Cary Elwes.  Carrey's character lies so much that his young son makes a birthday wish that for one day, his father can't tell a lie...which comes true, with results that are both hilarious and disastrous at the same time.
Bill Cosby addressed is his 1982 "Himself" concert film how someone once told him that children are truthful.  He counters this statement with "a fifteen-month-old child knows when to lie", using a forbidden cookie as an example.
But how does a child LEARN to lie?
Go take a good hard look in the mirror.
You'll find your answer there.
I find it amusing on how parents can call their child out for lying while at the same time saying "I'm not home!" to their spouse heading for their ringing phone.
Even "The Family Circus", calls attention to this.  Billy, Jeffy, Dolly and P.J. are standing at the open door to a trenchcoated man, and Billy calls out "It's a salesman, Mommy.  Should we tell him you're not home?"
As parents, we plant the seeds.
Children come into this world knowing nothing at all.  They assimilate into the world that surrounds them.  A world of cheaters, liars, dishonesty, and other bad things that they often see with rose-colored glasses.
This is where you as a parent come in.  To shield them against these things.
You lie about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the real reason Grandma "went to Heaven". 
These aren't bad. 
Stating bold-faced lies to family, friends, and associates are wrong.  On the other hand, brutal honesty is not always the best policy.
This is where a positive mental attitude can mean the entire world.
Show your child the beauty in something you know is ugly. 
That spider might be ugly...but for the most part, they stay confined to their webs and out of the way, while feeding on houseflies and other household pests that make us reach for the Black Flag.
Choose your words carefully. 
Don't want to take that call?  Simply say "take a message".  That's it.  You decide whether or not to return the call.
All lies do is perpetuate a cycle of deceit.
Your thoughts, actions, and words, whether you know it or not, crystallize in your child's mind at an early age. 
An honest parent will make an honest child.
Unless they decide to enter politics.  That's a whole other column.

NEXT WEEK:  For the Future