At last, the final installment of the series.
Your family has made the decision to give up your daughter's child for adoption.
Let me first congratulate you on making an intelligent, well-informed decision.
Despite all the progress we've made as a society, it never ceases to amaze me how much some people tend to look down on those who make a decision to terminate their role as a parent, a far better alternative than terminating a life. Yet those who make such decisions are treated as selfish. I couldn't disagree more.
Giving a child up for adoption isn't giving up on the child. But rather, giving the child a chance at a better life...one that could be best achieved now rather than later, with the innocent being possibly being subject to abuse by a parent hamstringed by what society wants, rather than what they want.
The fact of the matter is, there are some people in this world who are not meant to be parents. Proof positive of this is an overburdened and underfunded foster care system. Yet the most closed-minded won't own up to the fact that it does exist, and there are no socioeconomic barriers.
Then there are others who would pay all the money they have in the world to have a child of their own, but can't, because of medical reasons or the like.
If your daughter is considering adoption, here are some factors to consider:
Your daughter is giving up this child PERMANENTLY. Once the courts finalize the adoption, the adoptive parents have exactly the same legal rights as the natural parents. Your daughter must realize that she cannot give up her child and then show up on the adoptive parents' doorstep a few years later, wanting the child back, disrupting that child's life in the process.
THAT is selfish.
Call your local Children and Youth Services agency. Tell them you want to give up the child for adoption but that you want the child placed in a good home that has the ability to provide for the child. If they're not able to accomodate this, they're likely able to steer you towards an agency that can.
CYS officials will take a keen interest in your daughter's pregnancy. They will know what questions to ask prospective adoptive parents. Things like would they be prepared to raise a special-needs child if something went wrong during birth or at some point in the child's development?
Your daughter must also treat her body and the child it's carrying as if she is keeping the baby. Just because she's not keeping the child doesn't absolve her from putting the wrong substances or foods into her body.
Even if the father runs out on your daughter, he too must sign off on his own legal rights to the child, if he doesn't desire to keep it. And if he does want to keep it, he had better be prepared to offer financial support and be a real father to this child.
And if necessary, to do so in writing. Refer to my previous columns for more on this. It's too easy for the father to make promises to reverse the mother's decision, then eases himself out because he doesn't want the responsibility.
It also must impressed upon all parties involved that at the point the decision is made to put the child up for adoption, the adoptive parents must be treated as the natural parents, and that your daughter's role at this point is that of a surrogate mother.
This must not be forgotten, especially when she goes into labor. It's too easy to want to hold the baby once it's born and let infatuation take the place of common sense.
As soon as the baby's born, the nurse and midwife should be directed to take the child from the delivery room immediately, and to shut the door behind them.
Getting through all of this will not be easy. Provided that you remember this pretext:
"I didn't give up my child...I gave my child more".
That, in and of itself, is a truly selfless act.
NEXT WEEK: Old School...still the best school.
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