My mind races back to the days when I played records on the radio.
There was one little ditty I especially remember...it was from a family gospel group that hit the charts with a pop crossover number in 1971.
The lyrics went something like this:
"If you disrespect everybody that you run into...how the world do you think anybody's supposed to respect you?"
Name that tune.
Staple Singers...Respect Yourself. Vocalist Mavis Staples went on to record the song played in the opening credits of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
Enough trivia.
But the song does make you think.
How many of you truly respect your children?
Think about that for a moment.
That doesn't mean cater to your child's every whim nor does it imply you should forfeit your rights as a parent to discipline your child properly.
It does however, mean that how you treat another adult shouldn't be much different than how you treat your child.
Hypothetical: You tell, not ask, your child to bring something to you, often in another room of the house. You might even yell for them to do it at the top of your lungs from across the house. Then you snatch it out of their hands because they didn't bring it fast enough to you. And you don't even so much as say 'thank you'.
Now you're at work. Would you treat a co-worker in this manner?
Of course not. Because you know the repercussions.
You might find yourself out of a job, and perhaps even with a re-arranged face, depending on whom the co-worker was.
Why is it that we can we extend the most common courtesy towards a peer or colleague but not have the decency to do the same thing to our children?
And if that's not enough, we then chastise them in the same breath for their poor manners? Or get upset because they become literally unmanageable by the time they're teenagers?
The Golden Rule...do unto others as you would have done to you. You learned that in school yourself a long time ago.
If you have to demand respect, you don't deserve it. If you command respect, you've earned it.
Respect is always earned, and never given. And what you may interpret as respect by acting towards your child in this careless manner is just the opposite.
You may get capitulation or submission, but only for so long. Resentment and other negative feelings are harbored in the meantime.
And you are setting yourself up for failure.
I've been in contact with more and more people who have not had a relationship with their own parents for years.
We're not just talking about a couple 'silent years'.
Silent decades.
As a Christian, I believe in the commandment "Honor Your Father and Your Mother", as expressed in the Old Testament.
Unfortunately, there's nothing in there about "Honor Thy Child". And it's pretty hard to honor a parent that shows little to no respect for their offspring.
To such a parent, I say this:
If you feel your child is beneath you, remember this...the only thing beneath you is grass.
And one day, you will be beneath it...long before your kid.
NEXT WEEK: Planning for YOUR future
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Cherub's Checkup
My wife and I recently took our daughter in for her two-year checkup.
Now two years old, we've been very pleased with our daughter's progress.
And there's a little bit of personal pride as well.
Savannah was willing (sort of) to put up with being stripped down to her diaper and having to wait for an assistant, then wait again, and then have the physician's assistant talk to us.
As an only-child household, we often hear from others about how we should have at least one more child. The reasons run from trying for a boy (people still take this family name thing very seriously) to companionship after the parents are gone.
But I digress. That's a whole other column.
What I will say is that because we have one, we're able to be more attentive to her overall development. Physically and emotionally.
As part of the two-year checkup, we were given a behavioral checklist, and the answers we supplied spoke volumes about how well our daughter is doing.
We answered questions the PA put forth to us about the 'terrible twos' and if there were any 'issues' with her behavior, how did we handle it.
"Perfect" was the word she used to describe our answers.
When we got out to the car after the appointment was over, Margie was the first to bring it up.
"We must be doing something right," she said.
The thing of it is, we don't do all that much.
In my opinion anyway.
We listen to her when she talks. She might not get what she wants from us, but she'll have our attention when she needs it.
There's consequences for bad behavior. Though we've had yet to resort to corporal punishment, there have been instances where she's come close. And we have found alternatives...stricter time-outs.
We know what's best for our child. We always gladly accept advice from parents or grandparents, who can share their perspective on any particular matter, but ultimately, it's up to us to make the decisions affecting her well-being.
We have an eye for the future. What we say and do affects what our little girl will someday grow up to be. And our goal is to raise her into a happy, well-adjusted, responsible adult and contributing member to society.
While we put our child's needs ahead of our own, we do not make her the center of our universe. Rather, we welcome her as an integral part of our family unit.
These aren't difficult for us. They come naturally.
And some things come naturally to her, we've come to find out.
Laughter. The things that can make me or my wife Savannah smile can make Savannah laugh hysterically.
Sharing. She never hesitates to share toys or take turns on playdates or at daycare.
Love. When I was suffering from a lower back flare-up just about a month ago, with pain so bad I could barely move, I could still hear that sweet little voice:
"OK, Daddy? Boo-boo back?"
"I'll be fine, honey."
"OK."
Or if I hit a pothole or bump in the road while in the car and with her in the backseat.
"Careful, Daddy."
Getting through a check-up wasn't just for her wellness.
It was for our wellness too.
Perfect.
NEXT WEEK: R-E-S-P-E-C-T...earned, never given.
Now two years old, we've been very pleased with our daughter's progress.
And there's a little bit of personal pride as well.
Savannah was willing (sort of) to put up with being stripped down to her diaper and having to wait for an assistant, then wait again, and then have the physician's assistant talk to us.
As an only-child household, we often hear from others about how we should have at least one more child. The reasons run from trying for a boy (people still take this family name thing very seriously) to companionship after the parents are gone.
But I digress. That's a whole other column.
What I will say is that because we have one, we're able to be more attentive to her overall development. Physically and emotionally.
As part of the two-year checkup, we were given a behavioral checklist, and the answers we supplied spoke volumes about how well our daughter is doing.
We answered questions the PA put forth to us about the 'terrible twos' and if there were any 'issues' with her behavior, how did we handle it.
"Perfect" was the word she used to describe our answers.
When we got out to the car after the appointment was over, Margie was the first to bring it up.
"We must be doing something right," she said.
The thing of it is, we don't do all that much.
In my opinion anyway.
We listen to her when she talks. She might not get what she wants from us, but she'll have our attention when she needs it.
There's consequences for bad behavior. Though we've had yet to resort to corporal punishment, there have been instances where she's come close. And we have found alternatives...stricter time-outs.
We know what's best for our child. We always gladly accept advice from parents or grandparents, who can share their perspective on any particular matter, but ultimately, it's up to us to make the decisions affecting her well-being.
We have an eye for the future. What we say and do affects what our little girl will someday grow up to be. And our goal is to raise her into a happy, well-adjusted, responsible adult and contributing member to society.
While we put our child's needs ahead of our own, we do not make her the center of our universe. Rather, we welcome her as an integral part of our family unit.
These aren't difficult for us. They come naturally.
And some things come naturally to her, we've come to find out.
Laughter. The things that can make me or my wife Savannah smile can make Savannah laugh hysterically.
Sharing. She never hesitates to share toys or take turns on playdates or at daycare.
Love. When I was suffering from a lower back flare-up just about a month ago, with pain so bad I could barely move, I could still hear that sweet little voice:
"OK, Daddy? Boo-boo back?"
"I'll be fine, honey."
"OK."
Or if I hit a pothole or bump in the road while in the car and with her in the backseat.
"Careful, Daddy."
Getting through a check-up wasn't just for her wellness.
It was for our wellness too.
Perfect.
NEXT WEEK: R-E-S-P-E-C-T...earned, never given.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The Closer
That's my wife's new nickname for me.
Here's how I got it.
Our daughter turned two on July 19th. And for the rest of the month, Savannah was limited to her time with her pacifier...at bedtime only, and she left it in the crib after getting out of it, and returned to it at bedtime.
Prior to this, we had been asked when we were going to take her off of it.
I was reluctant to do so right away, because her teeth came in later than usual, and the last thing I wanted to do was to cause her pain and discomfort by depriving her of what relieved her teething pain.
But I'm also not about coddling children, either. And by giving in, I would be acting outside of my "Old School Dad" persona.
So as of August 1st, we took Savannah off the pacifier.
And she was not happy about it.
At all.
Saturday night of last week was a great example.
Despite the fact that our Munchkin had not had her usual nap and was pretty cranky as a result, she continued to scream, cry and make enough noise to awaken the 'residents' of the cemetery down the road from my house.
Margie went upstairs first, and after about fifteen minutes, came back downstairs, and while it appeared that she had solved the problem initially, Savannah had resumed her call to the wild, according to the red-lining baby monitor on the back porch table next to swing where I sat next to my wife.
I set down my wine glass and told Margie I'd be back.
I have a system to gently inform my daughter that such behavior will not be tolerated.
I walked up to her closed, but not latched, bedroom door, then gave it a gentle shove to make it 'burst' open.
I greeted my daughter standing up in her crib, not sure of what to make of this entry.
"Savannah...what's wrong, huh?", I said, giving her my best dejected look.
"mmm...medicine", she whined.
"Does your mouth hurt?"
"Yeah", she claimed, holding her Minnie Mouse up to her mouth, where she had been chewing on Minnie's ear.
I fetched the teething gel and applied a generous amount to her gums, just to discover what appeared to be another tooth coming in. Explained a lot.
I also fetched the "Sniffles and Sneezes" tablets (a product of Hyland's) to help a minor cold she had developed earlier in the week. Then she asked for a drink of water. The waiting sipper cup on the bookshelf near her crib went to work.
After that, I fetched her dolls and her Minnie Mouse, as she laid down.
"You need to go to sleep," I told her, "so that you can be awake to do all the things you want to do tomorrow...like play in the nursery when you and mommy go to church in the morning."
A smile lit up her little face.
"That sounds like fun, doesn't it?" I said.
"Yeah," came the soft voice accompanied by a nod.
"So you're going to be quiet and go to sleep for me, then?"
Another nod.
"Promise?"
Yet another nod.
"OK, I'll hold you to that."
I smiled and stroked her little face, before kissing my fingertips and applying them to her cheek.
"Good night, angel."
I returned to my wife and my glass of wine, and a silent rest of the evening.
Couldn't believe that worked.
"You're the closer," Margie said.
Leave it to her to bring sports analogy into child-rearing.
NEXT WEEK: Two-year Checkup
Here's how I got it.
Our daughter turned two on July 19th. And for the rest of the month, Savannah was limited to her time with her pacifier...at bedtime only, and she left it in the crib after getting out of it, and returned to it at bedtime.
Prior to this, we had been asked when we were going to take her off of it.
I was reluctant to do so right away, because her teeth came in later than usual, and the last thing I wanted to do was to cause her pain and discomfort by depriving her of what relieved her teething pain.
But I'm also not about coddling children, either. And by giving in, I would be acting outside of my "Old School Dad" persona.
So as of August 1st, we took Savannah off the pacifier.
And she was not happy about it.
At all.
Saturday night of last week was a great example.
Despite the fact that our Munchkin had not had her usual nap and was pretty cranky as a result, she continued to scream, cry and make enough noise to awaken the 'residents' of the cemetery down the road from my house.
Margie went upstairs first, and after about fifteen minutes, came back downstairs, and while it appeared that she had solved the problem initially, Savannah had resumed her call to the wild, according to the red-lining baby monitor on the back porch table next to swing where I sat next to my wife.
I set down my wine glass and told Margie I'd be back.
I have a system to gently inform my daughter that such behavior will not be tolerated.
I walked up to her closed, but not latched, bedroom door, then gave it a gentle shove to make it 'burst' open.
I greeted my daughter standing up in her crib, not sure of what to make of this entry.
"Savannah...what's wrong, huh?", I said, giving her my best dejected look.
"mmm...medicine", she whined.
"Does your mouth hurt?"
"Yeah", she claimed, holding her Minnie Mouse up to her mouth, where she had been chewing on Minnie's ear.
I fetched the teething gel and applied a generous amount to her gums, just to discover what appeared to be another tooth coming in. Explained a lot.
I also fetched the "Sniffles and Sneezes" tablets (a product of Hyland's) to help a minor cold she had developed earlier in the week. Then she asked for a drink of water. The waiting sipper cup on the bookshelf near her crib went to work.
After that, I fetched her dolls and her Minnie Mouse, as she laid down.
"You need to go to sleep," I told her, "so that you can be awake to do all the things you want to do tomorrow...like play in the nursery when you and mommy go to church in the morning."
A smile lit up her little face.
"That sounds like fun, doesn't it?" I said.
"Yeah," came the soft voice accompanied by a nod.
"So you're going to be quiet and go to sleep for me, then?"
Another nod.
"Promise?"
Yet another nod.
"OK, I'll hold you to that."
I smiled and stroked her little face, before kissing my fingertips and applying them to her cheek.
"Good night, angel."
I returned to my wife and my glass of wine, and a silent rest of the evening.
Couldn't believe that worked.
"You're the closer," Margie said.
Leave it to her to bring sports analogy into child-rearing.
NEXT WEEK: Two-year Checkup
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The Brat Patrol
Has it gone too far?
I don't think even Mike Vuick himself would have envisioned that news of his Pittsburgh area restaurant's well-publicized 'no-kids' policy would have such impact around the globe.
It was brought to my attention by a friend through Facebook of an article in Shine, the parenting information arm of Yahoo! that many businesses are beginning to cash in on the childless.
The support that Mr. Vuick has had is now receiving the attention of big business. And it is being taken very seriously.
I reiterate my earlier position in a previous column that I support Mr. Vuick's policy of banning children under the age of six from his establishment. I don't see Mr. Vuick is a child-hater, but simply someone who valued his clientele enough to take their complaints seriously. And when you operate an upscale establishment that caters to a high-dollar crowd and markets itself as a quiet, casual place, then you should stand by this statement.
Otherwise, you're out of business. Simple economics.
According to the article in Shine, an airline in Malaysia is banning children from certain first-class seats. Other airlines are considering their own policies to follow suit.
The article also mentions a website called http://www.leavethembehind.com/, even promotes couples-friendly, kid-free vacations with tips on how to maximize their enjoyment without having to put up with the wailing waifs or caterwalling curtain-climbers polluting our landscape today.
While some may find websites or businesses like the foregoing offensive, keep in mind that less than twenty years ago, we didn't need rules to govern our children's behavior.
Because we were once children ourselves. We knew what was expected of us, and what the consequences were of not meeting those expectations.
But those who are becoming parents today are a different breed. They don't supervise or otherwise teach their children how to behave properly in public. Or, they try and after a couple of unsuccessful tries, they simply give up and turn a blind eye or deaf ear to their son or daughter's misbehavior.
Or yet, they're too ignorant to recognize the convention between an 'adults-only' gathering and one that's 'kid-friendly'.
You don't take a six-month-old to a wine-tasting event (that was a faux pas on our part, we learned). You don't take a two-year-old to a five-star restaurant. You don't take a three-year-old to a movie theater. You either hire a babysitter or stay at home with them, because if you can afford these things, you can afford a sitter.
Wanna know the difference between a good parent and a bad one? A valid threat followed by the fitting consequence, mental or physical.
My parents knew this. As did my grandparents.
And I believe the present generation knows this. They choose to ignore it.
And as long as that sense of entitlement continues among said generation (and to a lesser degree my own peers), we're not going to see any relief anytime soon.
Fewer and fewer people are having children these days. Having seen such poorly behaved children in public and reading about what they grow up into in the news, who can blame them?
After all, you don't have to teach a pet how to behave (much), clothe them or send them to college, nor worry about if they plot to one day murder you in your sleep because inheriting money is easier than working.
Maybe the childless are onto something.
But that's not for me to determine. I sure won't villify anyone for remaining childless by choice. They're contributing more to society by that than reproducing and failing miserably at their parental obligations.
Nonetheless, I'll close by saying that I will never set an age limit for those reading my column.
Because I think all who read it can, and should, learn something.
NEXT WEEK: The Closer
I don't think even Mike Vuick himself would have envisioned that news of his Pittsburgh area restaurant's well-publicized 'no-kids' policy would have such impact around the globe.
It was brought to my attention by a friend through Facebook of an article in Shine, the parenting information arm of Yahoo! that many businesses are beginning to cash in on the childless.
The support that Mr. Vuick has had is now receiving the attention of big business. And it is being taken very seriously.
I reiterate my earlier position in a previous column that I support Mr. Vuick's policy of banning children under the age of six from his establishment. I don't see Mr. Vuick is a child-hater, but simply someone who valued his clientele enough to take their complaints seriously. And when you operate an upscale establishment that caters to a high-dollar crowd and markets itself as a quiet, casual place, then you should stand by this statement.
Otherwise, you're out of business. Simple economics.
According to the article in Shine, an airline in Malaysia is banning children from certain first-class seats. Other airlines are considering their own policies to follow suit.
The article also mentions a website called http://www.leavethembehind.com/, even promotes couples-friendly, kid-free vacations with tips on how to maximize their enjoyment without having to put up with the wailing waifs or caterwalling curtain-climbers polluting our landscape today.
While some may find websites or businesses like the foregoing offensive, keep in mind that less than twenty years ago, we didn't need rules to govern our children's behavior.
Because we were once children ourselves. We knew what was expected of us, and what the consequences were of not meeting those expectations.
But those who are becoming parents today are a different breed. They don't supervise or otherwise teach their children how to behave properly in public. Or, they try and after a couple of unsuccessful tries, they simply give up and turn a blind eye or deaf ear to their son or daughter's misbehavior.
Or yet, they're too ignorant to recognize the convention between an 'adults-only' gathering and one that's 'kid-friendly'.
You don't take a six-month-old to a wine-tasting event (that was a faux pas on our part, we learned). You don't take a two-year-old to a five-star restaurant. You don't take a three-year-old to a movie theater. You either hire a babysitter or stay at home with them, because if you can afford these things, you can afford a sitter.
Wanna know the difference between a good parent and a bad one? A valid threat followed by the fitting consequence, mental or physical.
My parents knew this. As did my grandparents.
And I believe the present generation knows this. They choose to ignore it.
And as long as that sense of entitlement continues among said generation (and to a lesser degree my own peers), we're not going to see any relief anytime soon.
Fewer and fewer people are having children these days. Having seen such poorly behaved children in public and reading about what they grow up into in the news, who can blame them?
After all, you don't have to teach a pet how to behave (much), clothe them or send them to college, nor worry about if they plot to one day murder you in your sleep because inheriting money is easier than working.
Maybe the childless are onto something.
But that's not for me to determine. I sure won't villify anyone for remaining childless by choice. They're contributing more to society by that than reproducing and failing miserably at their parental obligations.
Nonetheless, I'll close by saying that I will never set an age limit for those reading my column.
Because I think all who read it can, and should, learn something.
NEXT WEEK: The Closer
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