Father Knows Breast

After learning my wife was pregnant, then came the planning.
No drugs during the delivery, and the baby would be breast-fed.
Before we go any further, I want to insert the disclaimer that these
were strictly my wife's decisions.  I simply went along for the ride.
All I'll say at this point is that she ended up getting the epidural with
mere moments to spare, and our child was on formula the second day
home from the hospital.
That was the time I took a stand.
The crying fits that my daughter was experiencing was enough to make
me want to drive our Jeep off the nearest cliff I could find.  Were we
risking her health by insisting that the old-fashioned way was the only way
and 'too bad so sad' if Margie's body wasn't fully cooperating with Savannah's
nutritional needs?
Centuries ago, there was no formula.  It was done the old-fashioned way.
But centuries ago, you were lucky to have lived past forty.
The non-stop crying literally left me with the DT's on that second night.
She had paused her crying only to allow herself time from her head to go back
to crimson red from purple.  Then she would start right back up again.
We finally got her to sleep, because she had cried away all her strength.
As Margie came downstairs, she asked what was wrong.
"We gotta do something about this," I said pleadingly.  "This just can't go on."
Much to my surprise, Margie capitulated without any argument.
We went out and bought formula and bottles the next day.  She actually needlessly apologized to me for it.
This is how selfless my wife is. 
Yet it never ceases to amaze me how many people feel otherwise.
And sometimes I wonder about the Gerber GoodStarts people and any other formula producer, which prints "breast milk is best" on the label.
Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.  Pun intended.
It's not enough to take our money, but lay a guilty trip on us too?
Experts say it's healthier to breast-feed a child.  But moms today have careers and are having children later in life.  There's nothing wrong with that.
And it's time for society to shift gears.  Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta wake up.
What a mother puts into her body can go into the body of her breast-fed child.  Even the experts who say 'trace amounts' of alcohol or OTC medicines don't matter, there exists several 'what-ifs'.
And with all the developmental disabilities that children are diagnosed with these days, who'd want to take that chance? 
And forego your own health in the process?
I've always said if a parent doesn't take care of themselves properly, how can they do the same with a baby?
It only makes sense.  It's why during the safety drill on most airline flights, flight attendants tell you to assist yourself with the oxygen mask before your child.
This is not being selfish.  You have a responsibility to keep yourself for the sake of your child in your role as caregiver.
Please think of this the next time you take an irresponsible swipe at a parent who does things a little differently than you.


NEXT WEEK:  The Time for Time-outs

Treat Your Kids to A Good Halloween

Though it's beginning to fall out of practice today in many communities, there are still many where Trick-or-Treat night is still the Holy Grail for free candy.
I feel the need to tell you all that the key to a problem-free trick-or-treat night all comes down to good costuming, and perhaps a little etiquette along the way.
As the name implies, the kid plays a trick on the poor sap who doesn't have candy at the ready on the night of the blessed (pun intended) event.
They can range from corning, soaping windows, and toilet-papering to even more extreme tricks.
The more extreme can land your kid in juvenile court.
Some people just aren't into the whole trick-or-treat concept.  They may even react negatively to the presence of kids on their porch.
And your kids need to be cognizant of this.
Most parents stick to the pretext of having their kids scout for candy in their own communities at the homes of people they know. 
Know this...playing tricks on your neighbors, especially nowadays, just ain't cool.
Because the tricks are getting more extreme.
Having read police blotters over the course of my career, 'tricks' have involved flattening tires, poisoning outside pet feed dishes, throwing stones at windows, and keying vehicles.
None of this ever was, is now, or ever will be, OK.
And your kids need to know this as well.
Because an 'innocent' prank or otherwise, can land them before a juvenile court judge.
Tell your kids to only approach neighborhoods with illuminated porch lights, and for those saps who have lights on simply because they let the dog out, do the classy thing.
Walk away.  Even if the guilty party isn't very nice about it.
Take time to examine your kids' candy before they eat it.  This is for your sake as well as theirs.
After all, you need to take a mental inventory.
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers Bars, M&Ms.
For when they're at school and you know where they keep it.
You can insert your own evil laugh here.
My dad showed mercy. He only wanted the Black Jacks, Bit-O-Honeys, and Butterscotch disks.
Yeah, he can have those. 
I guess I can part with the Cracker Jacks too.


NEXT WEEK:  Breast-feeding...right idea, wrong time.

If it Ain't Broke, it Ain't Ours

Jeff Foxworthy addressed this in one of his standup shows back in the 90s.
"We just can't have nice things!" is what his mother laments after Jeff and his brother break their dad's Jack Daniels Elvis decanter.
Here's one for you...you can.
My best friend has two daughters.  Girly but tomboyish at the same time.  They have a beautiful home, knick-knacks galore, nice furniture and electronics, and a house that doesn't look like a tornado blew through it.
I say this because I can come by unannounced and the place still gets Good Housekeeping's seal of approval.
It started at an early age with their firstborn.
Their mother, despite raising two children, still finds time to keep her house clean.  It's something you make time for.  While your spare time becomes a premium after the kids come, how you keep your home influences housekeeping skills later in life.
When her first daughter came, as she vacuumed her floor, her daughter was right behind her with her toy vacuum cleaner, attempting to pick up what Mommy might have missed.
And in our home, our daughter knows what to touch and what not to.
And if she has a hard time differentiating, we simply put it out of reach.
Knick-knacks are one thing.
A $650 iPhone or iPad is another.
And our 50-inch plasma LCD TV is protected with a TVArmor shield.  Spend $180 now, rather than the $1100 later after the kid uses the telly for target practice.
More than this, you need to teach your children what's off limits.
And do it properly.
Tell them why they can't touch certain things.
Because they break easy.  Telling them because "it's mine" will open up an even bigger can of worms for you to deal with.
And it's important to respect the property of others.  If they know the rules at home, they know it elsewhere too.
Remind them that this is why you buy them toys. 
The unspoken reason they don't need to know.
So they leave your stuff alone.
They'll eventually figure it out.
And it'll be when they have kids of their own.
So now's the time to hide that Elvis decanter.

NEXT WEEK:   Trick-or-treat

After School Special

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  On vacation last week. 

What happens to your child after school?
Most often, it's a loud "I'm home!" followed by a Ho Chi Minh trail of backpacks, shoes, books, and jackets on the way to the refrigerator.
Or, it's off to athletic practice, band practice, or whatever extracurricular activity.
And some punch in.
However, fewer of them are doing it.
If you'll indulge me, allow me to put on my Grumpy Old Man hat for a moment.
In my day, if kids wanted money for this or that, they got an after-school job.
Those who didn't have an after-school job usually got an allowance, and if they wanted to keep it, they were expected to do their share and more around the house in order to earn it.
Now few do that these days.
It seems easier for parents just to hand their kid money arbitrarily.  Thus they don't learn the value of it, thus breeding the founding generation of Future Freeloaders of America.
Coming to a school yearbook near you.
Most parents tell me it costs more money than ever to have a kid.  Especially when they want their kids to have the latest gadgets and fads.
We're confusing want with need here.  Do they really need all that?
The most often-heard excuse I hear is "I want them to concentrate on their schoolwork, not on having to go to work."
Here's my question...if your kid can't balance work and school successfully, do they DESERVE to have everything their peers do?  I think not.
It appalls me when I see parents dishing out more than $10,000 for their kid's first car.
I got my first car when I was 14.  Because my dad told me it would take at least two years for me to get it driveable and street-legal.  If I saved enough, it would be ready in time.
And if not, there was always the bus.
If your son or daughter is hitting you up for more money it seems, then you need to have a sit-down with him or her and discuss your goals.
I said 'your', not 'their'.
What are their 'needs' exactly?  Are we talking about library cards, photocopies, things that are in the interest of a better education?  Or is it that $200 pair of Uggs they can't 'live' without?
What about college?  Make sure they're aware that if they want to move away and live on campus, they'll be expected to contribute towards their 'incidentals'.  If they want extra money, they have to work for it...on weekends, after school and in the summer.
It may sound corny, but a penny saved is still a penny earned.
If you'd rather your child not work outside of your home, make a list of responsibilities they're assigned to do around the house, along with an agreed amount of money.  Whatever they don't complete, 'dock' them accordingly.  Draw up your own contract if you have to.
And make sure they know that it's work first, money later.  The same as in any business.
Because you're in business.
You're in the business of raising a child into a successful adult. 
And it's time we see a better job insofar as a successful business.


NEXT WEEK:  Yes, you CAN have nice things!