This one's for the moms.
Whether it's by choice or a necessary medical procedure, sometimes a hysterectomy is in the works.
Sometimes, surprises are discovered during this procedure. And they're sometimes rather unpleasant...a few of them have happened more than I have realized.
Mom gets the procedure done. Then one day she decides to peruse her medical records. One entry shows something absolutely devastating.
She learns she was pregnant when she had the hysterectomy.
If you're raised Catholic or are a devout convert, this can be even more psychologically bothersome...because the church still takes the same stand on abortion that it has for eons.
You and you alone know the emotions you're experiencing. It's not something we men can ever truly relate to.
Anger, self-hatred, self-pity, just to name a few. The questions you ask yourself can even be maddening.
"How could I not know I was pregnant?"
"Why didn't the doctor stop?"
"Am I a murderer?"
Understand these? Maybe asked a few rhetorically?
You need to stop.
Now.
This will eat away at your psyche if you don't deal with it.
You need to sit down with your spouse or a trusted loved one to get your feelings out in the open. Cry, yell, scream, hit or break something, whatever.
Then allow yourself time to mourn.
The same way you would for a loved one that has passed on.
More specifically, your own child.
Revere the memory of this child as if they were carried full term, born, and had a happy life.
Think of what kind of memories you would have built with this child.
No...I'm not kidding.
If you didn't know the sex of the fetus, pick one you like best. Name it if you have to.
First steps, first words, running into your arms. First day of school.
Now if you have a strong spiritual base, this should bring you peace of mind.
And it will likely necessitate a box of facial tissues. But that's OK!
Now that you've pictured this child as a part of your life, now picture this same unborn child entering an eden of peace and happiness forever. And two of the strongest yet gentlest arms you could ever imagine, reaching out and your child running into them.
Arms that will protect your little one forever until you meet him or her one day in Heaven.
Find a serene place you can go to reflect. As if you buried the little one there or scattered their ashes. Externalize your emotions and let it all out. You'll find it to be a spiritually cleansing experience.
I close by saying that I hope you will read this and one day find peace.
NEXT WEEK: Shoppers for Choppers
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
'Grand' Parenting
"That's NOT the same woman I grew up with!"
Bill Cosby railed about it in his "Himself" 1982 concert film at the Hamilton Center for the Performing Arts in Hamilton, Ontario. "You're looking at an old person...who's trying to get into Heaven now!"
It's nothing you haven't already been exposed to. If you're a parent, you know what I'm talking about. If you're a grandparent, this is especially for you.
Parents of young children complain about their own parents. The grandparents complain right back.
"You're not strict enough with them!"
"You're too strict...let them be kids!"
"If I were the parent, things would be done differently. I think all children should be raised by the grandparents."
As one of the first "Generation X-ers", I'm the child of "Baby Boom" parents, born in 1945 and 1949.
And my grandparents were of what would eventually become known as the "Greatest Generation".
There were consistencies in grandparents in just about every generation.
Until the baby-boomers started coming of retirement age.
Just about every generation of grandparents treated their grandchildren the same. There was always love at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Plus freshly-baked cookies in a jar within easy reach of little ones.
Or if Grandma was still in the workforce, the right store-bought cookie will do. And my maternal grandmother, who worked for Detroit Public Schools, always kept a generous supply of Kiebler's Deluxe Grahams on hand.
Hey, a cookie's a cookie, right?
And there was one unwritten rule that every set of grandparents abided by...'you can spoil, but you can never undermine the authority of your children or children-in-law'.
Ever.
Especially when the occasionally unruly child steps out of line in the presence of their grandparents. Regardless of what you as a grandparent may think or feel, it is important that you respect the boundaries of your role.
And the boundaries are as follows...this is NOT your child. You are NOT ultimately responsible for what this child will grow up to be. Rules, chores, punishments and other unpleasant parts of childhood are all the results of centuries-old standards and practices necessary for survival in the adult world.
It's all there for a reason.
With the baby-boomers now coming of retirement age and 'grandparenthood', there is becoming a divide between them and their children, borne out of different attitudes towards the natural progression of aging, and that many more grandparents are becoming more involved in the child-rearing process.
Grandparents are often the 'go-to' when it comes to needing someone to babysit, or being the 'latchkey' before and after school in families where both parents work outside the home.
Relationships between parents and grandparents should always be one of mutual support, and never of competition.
And always a united front in the presence of the child. Confusion and manipulation will result if there's anything less.
NEXT WEEK: Crisis in the Womb
Bill Cosby railed about it in his "Himself" 1982 concert film at the Hamilton Center for the Performing Arts in Hamilton, Ontario. "You're looking at an old person...who's trying to get into Heaven now!"
It's nothing you haven't already been exposed to. If you're a parent, you know what I'm talking about. If you're a grandparent, this is especially for you.
Parents of young children complain about their own parents. The grandparents complain right back.
"You're not strict enough with them!"
"You're too strict...let them be kids!"
"If I were the parent, things would be done differently. I think all children should be raised by the grandparents."
As one of the first "Generation X-ers", I'm the child of "Baby Boom" parents, born in 1945 and 1949.
And my grandparents were of what would eventually become known as the "Greatest Generation".
There were consistencies in grandparents in just about every generation.
Until the baby-boomers started coming of retirement age.
Just about every generation of grandparents treated their grandchildren the same. There was always love at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Plus freshly-baked cookies in a jar within easy reach of little ones.
Or if Grandma was still in the workforce, the right store-bought cookie will do. And my maternal grandmother, who worked for Detroit Public Schools, always kept a generous supply of Kiebler's Deluxe Grahams on hand.
Hey, a cookie's a cookie, right?
And there was one unwritten rule that every set of grandparents abided by...'you can spoil, but you can never undermine the authority of your children or children-in-law'.
Ever.
Especially when the occasionally unruly child steps out of line in the presence of their grandparents. Regardless of what you as a grandparent may think or feel, it is important that you respect the boundaries of your role.
And the boundaries are as follows...this is NOT your child. You are NOT ultimately responsible for what this child will grow up to be. Rules, chores, punishments and other unpleasant parts of childhood are all the results of centuries-old standards and practices necessary for survival in the adult world.
It's all there for a reason.
With the baby-boomers now coming of retirement age and 'grandparenthood', there is becoming a divide between them and their children, borne out of different attitudes towards the natural progression of aging, and that many more grandparents are becoming more involved in the child-rearing process.
Grandparents are often the 'go-to' when it comes to needing someone to babysit, or being the 'latchkey' before and after school in families where both parents work outside the home.
Relationships between parents and grandparents should always be one of mutual support, and never of competition.
And always a united front in the presence of the child. Confusion and manipulation will result if there's anything less.
NEXT WEEK: Crisis in the Womb
Sunday, January 15, 2012
The Power of a Promise
My daughter Savannah is going through the so-called "Terrible Twos".
Some challenges include not wanting to eat her dinner, claiming she's full, but always seems to have room for a snack; losing the strength in her lower body when I require her to stand up so I can wash her at bathtime; rubbing her eyes indicating her need for sleep but develops a sudden 'second wind' that culminates in jumping up and down on her mattress; and wanting desparately to watch "Dora the Explorer", but after a few minutes, wanders from the family room to the kitchen where my wife and I are talking to interrupt our conversation.
Bedtime is one of the biggest challenges. After bathtime, we dress her in her pajamas and a clean pull-up. Then she gets her two bedtime stories.
Then it's off to bed. It's a tie between her wanting to be independent and wanting to ride out the 'baby' thing and be carried.
After putting on her music, then some teething gel (she's still cutting molars), she continues to resist attempts for us to lay her down and close her eyes.
We sometimes have to resort to taking her 'babies' out of her crib to get her to settle down, but it does work.
Most of the time.
After about five minutes, after we plop down in front of the couch with a glass of wine, the orange band on the baby monitor says she's started back up again.
My wife calls me "The Closer". Here's why.
I go upstairs to address the situation.
I usually warn my daughter of my impending presence by clearing my throat at the top of the steps, or she hears the heaviness of my steps.
I open the door unsmiling.
Her gaze goes from glee to one of subdued gladness. She knows Daddy means business.
Gently but firmly I say, "What is it, Savannah?"
"I want water," she says quietly.
I head to the bookshelf where her sippy cup of water awaits her. I bring it to the crib. She puts her hand out for it. I pull it out of her reach to remind her of her manners.
"Please," she says coyly.
"If I give you your water, are you going to settle down and go to sleep?"
"Yeah," she whispers softly.
"Do you promise? You know it's important to keep a promise, right?"
"Yeah."
"So you promise you're going to behave? I don't want to come up here again for the rest of the night. Do you promise?"
"Yeah".
Depending on the mood I'm in, we sometimes seal it with the 'pinky swear'.
I prefer 'yes' to 'yeah', but hey, she's only two. We'll work on that later.
I give her the water. I keep my hands on it as she drinks, because she has a tendency to chew on the nipple.
She finishes and lays down.
She whispers softly "G'night, Daddy."
I tuck her two quilts snugly around her, then kiss my fingertips and apply them to her cheek.
"Goodnight, munchkin...I love you."
"Love you..." as she trails off to dreamland.
And she's quiet for the rest of the night.
She knows the power of a promise. It's a powerful word.
Provided that it's a double-edged sword, and never one-sided.
Never make a promise to your child that you're unsure if you can keep or just unwilling to do so.
You don't have to even use the word...the mere implication is enough.
If you say you're going to do something very specific for the benefit of the child as a behavior modification technique, you've just made a promise to your child.
And broken promises are something your children will remember you for. Because, right or wrong, you've just taught them how to lie. You can't lie to your children in this manner (or any other for that matter) and expect them to not lie to you in return. It's simply unrealistic.
The power of a promise will always endure if it's used properly and always kept intact.
Never broken.
NEXT WEEK: Putting the 'grand' in parents.
Some challenges include not wanting to eat her dinner, claiming she's full, but always seems to have room for a snack; losing the strength in her lower body when I require her to stand up so I can wash her at bathtime; rubbing her eyes indicating her need for sleep but develops a sudden 'second wind' that culminates in jumping up and down on her mattress; and wanting desparately to watch "Dora the Explorer", but after a few minutes, wanders from the family room to the kitchen where my wife and I are talking to interrupt our conversation.
Bedtime is one of the biggest challenges. After bathtime, we dress her in her pajamas and a clean pull-up. Then she gets her two bedtime stories.
Then it's off to bed. It's a tie between her wanting to be independent and wanting to ride out the 'baby' thing and be carried.
After putting on her music, then some teething gel (she's still cutting molars), she continues to resist attempts for us to lay her down and close her eyes.
We sometimes have to resort to taking her 'babies' out of her crib to get her to settle down, but it does work.
Most of the time.
After about five minutes, after we plop down in front of the couch with a glass of wine, the orange band on the baby monitor says she's started back up again.
My wife calls me "The Closer". Here's why.
I go upstairs to address the situation.
I usually warn my daughter of my impending presence by clearing my throat at the top of the steps, or she hears the heaviness of my steps.
I open the door unsmiling.
Her gaze goes from glee to one of subdued gladness. She knows Daddy means business.
Gently but firmly I say, "What is it, Savannah?"
"I want water," she says quietly.
I head to the bookshelf where her sippy cup of water awaits her. I bring it to the crib. She puts her hand out for it. I pull it out of her reach to remind her of her manners.
"Please," she says coyly.
"If I give you your water, are you going to settle down and go to sleep?"
"Yeah," she whispers softly.
"Do you promise? You know it's important to keep a promise, right?"
"Yeah."
"So you promise you're going to behave? I don't want to come up here again for the rest of the night. Do you promise?"
"Yeah".
Depending on the mood I'm in, we sometimes seal it with the 'pinky swear'.
I prefer 'yes' to 'yeah', but hey, she's only two. We'll work on that later.
I give her the water. I keep my hands on it as she drinks, because she has a tendency to chew on the nipple.
She finishes and lays down.
She whispers softly "G'night, Daddy."
I tuck her two quilts snugly around her, then kiss my fingertips and apply them to her cheek.
"Goodnight, munchkin...I love you."
"Love you..." as she trails off to dreamland.
And she's quiet for the rest of the night.
She knows the power of a promise. It's a powerful word.
Provided that it's a double-edged sword, and never one-sided.
Never make a promise to your child that you're unsure if you can keep or just unwilling to do so.
You don't have to even use the word...the mere implication is enough.
If you say you're going to do something very specific for the benefit of the child as a behavior modification technique, you've just made a promise to your child.
And broken promises are something your children will remember you for. Because, right or wrong, you've just taught them how to lie. You can't lie to your children in this manner (or any other for that matter) and expect them to not lie to you in return. It's simply unrealistic.
The power of a promise will always endure if it's used properly and always kept intact.
Never broken.
NEXT WEEK: Putting the 'grand' in parents.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
I'm baaaaaack...
My New Year's resolution for 2012 is one I made before the old year ended. To spend more time as a husband and father and less time writing about my experiences and sharing them.
Thus my decision to put "Old School Dad" on hiatus for a few weeks.
Because this is a specialty column, I don't write anything halfheartedly for the benefit of my readers. I would be doing them and myself a disservice.
My companion column, "Ken's Korner", is more general-interest, and I can usually stock up about a month's worth of "working stock" at a time. Not so much the case with my parenting column.
Because things in the news inspire me. Sometimes they infuriate me. Nonetheless, I'll still find something to write about by applying it in some fashion.
It never ceases to amaze me how many people read this. For what reason, I don't know. I'm not a child psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist, schoolteacher, or otherwise qualified professionally to speak as I do.
I'm just a guy who believes in the First Amendment. But I also believe that that freedom does carry some degree of responsibility. Using this freedom in an irresponsible manner may even carry some repercussions in a court of law.
This is why I stress responsibility. Because as a parent, I'm responsible for raising a productive member of society, which benefits society as a whole.
And I'm putting my money where my mouth is on this one.
My two and a half-year-old daughter is one of the most beautiful people I know. Not just physically, but spiritually. The kind of person that sheds a bright light upon what can sometimes seem like a dark and cruel world.
Though she's going through the 'terrible twos', there are times when she casts this challenging facade aside to present her caring and loving side.
Like when I miss a step and wince in pain because of my bad back.
"What happened Daddy?"
I tell her. She thinks I have a 'boo-boo' on my back.
"I kiss it", she says. I smile and squat down. She walks behind me and plants a peck in the middle of my spine.
Or when I take her upstairs for a nap of her own free will after she violently protested it a half hour earlier.
"Nap time, Dad". I carry her upstairs. She spreads out her arms as wide as she can to grab my shoulders. "Big hug", she mumbles sleepily. I slightly tighten my grip on her small body.
I place her on her back in her crib and tuck her two quilts under her as she closes her eyes.
"G'night Daddy..."
Or if she comes into the living room and sees me with a snack.
"Share for me?"
I smile and give her a bite. And she does reciprocate...usually without being asked.
Fortunately, this is a side to her that she chooses not to hide for only a few select people. She's touched so many just by being her sweet-natured self.
That's the kind of person you will most likely not find in a house full of negativity, anger, violence, or chemical co-dependence.
A house of love will breed love.
While I want to raise a loving and caring child, I have to temper this with my resolve to raise a strong and assertive child. One that can stand up to any attempts by anyone trying to exploit the strengths of her character, misinterpreting it as weakness.
And where I succeed, I owe it to my peers to share these successes. So that they too can apply it in their own parenting practices. They and their children can benefit.
But don't think I'm dislocating my shoulder by patting myself on the back. I also listen to what other parents have to say, and then apply it verbatim or modify it.
We need to work together as partners in building a better society.
Because parents need to do more stepping up...and less stepping out.
NEXT WEEK: Promises, promises
Thus my decision to put "Old School Dad" on hiatus for a few weeks.
Because this is a specialty column, I don't write anything halfheartedly for the benefit of my readers. I would be doing them and myself a disservice.
My companion column, "Ken's Korner", is more general-interest, and I can usually stock up about a month's worth of "working stock" at a time. Not so much the case with my parenting column.
Because things in the news inspire me. Sometimes they infuriate me. Nonetheless, I'll still find something to write about by applying it in some fashion.
It never ceases to amaze me how many people read this. For what reason, I don't know. I'm not a child psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist, schoolteacher, or otherwise qualified professionally to speak as I do.
I'm just a guy who believes in the First Amendment. But I also believe that that freedom does carry some degree of responsibility. Using this freedom in an irresponsible manner may even carry some repercussions in a court of law.
This is why I stress responsibility. Because as a parent, I'm responsible for raising a productive member of society, which benefits society as a whole.
And I'm putting my money where my mouth is on this one.
My two and a half-year-old daughter is one of the most beautiful people I know. Not just physically, but spiritually. The kind of person that sheds a bright light upon what can sometimes seem like a dark and cruel world.
Though she's going through the 'terrible twos', there are times when she casts this challenging facade aside to present her caring and loving side.
Like when I miss a step and wince in pain because of my bad back.
"What happened Daddy?"
I tell her. She thinks I have a 'boo-boo' on my back.
"I kiss it", she says. I smile and squat down. She walks behind me and plants a peck in the middle of my spine.
Or when I take her upstairs for a nap of her own free will after she violently protested it a half hour earlier.
"Nap time, Dad". I carry her upstairs. She spreads out her arms as wide as she can to grab my shoulders. "Big hug", she mumbles sleepily. I slightly tighten my grip on her small body.
I place her on her back in her crib and tuck her two quilts under her as she closes her eyes.
"G'night Daddy..."
Or if she comes into the living room and sees me with a snack.
"Share for me?"
I smile and give her a bite. And she does reciprocate...usually without being asked.
Fortunately, this is a side to her that she chooses not to hide for only a few select people. She's touched so many just by being her sweet-natured self.
That's the kind of person you will most likely not find in a house full of negativity, anger, violence, or chemical co-dependence.
A house of love will breed love.
While I want to raise a loving and caring child, I have to temper this with my resolve to raise a strong and assertive child. One that can stand up to any attempts by anyone trying to exploit the strengths of her character, misinterpreting it as weakness.
And where I succeed, I owe it to my peers to share these successes. So that they too can apply it in their own parenting practices. They and their children can benefit.
But don't think I'm dislocating my shoulder by patting myself on the back. I also listen to what other parents have to say, and then apply it verbatim or modify it.
We need to work together as partners in building a better society.
Because parents need to do more stepping up...and less stepping out.
NEXT WEEK: Promises, promises
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