Partners for Life

This one's for the guys.
I love my wife.
So much in fact, that I try to lighten her workload whenever I can.
As a two-paycheck family, Margie comes home and still somehow manages to muster up the strength to spend time with our very active almost-three-year-old, and get dinner ready in the process.
I'm on dinner duty three days a week.  Whether it involves going out or preparing something at home, it gives her a break on the weekends.
I work a rather odd week, from Sunday to Thursday.  Margie works Monday through Friday, with every other Friday off.  It allows us to only have to send our daughter to daycare four, rather than five, days a week.
And on those Fridays when Margie's working, that's time for me to play catch-up on the housework and other "Mr. Mom" related duties.
Becoming a Child of Divorce at 13, I learned at a fairly young age to be self-sufficient.  This included, but was certainly not limited to, laundry, dusting, vacuuming, cleaning, cooking, you name it.
This also served me particularly well during my 'bachelor' years, when I had my own apartment (and my first house six years before my marriage.  The stereotypes that P.J. O'Rourke immortalized in "The Bachelor Home Companion" did not exist in my home.
That's not to say I didn't try to take shortcuts along the way.
I am a guy after all.
I'll also point out that P.J. didn't get married until he was 43.  Too many women had already read his book.
It never ceases to amaze me how many men still, yet today, expect their partners to work outside the home, then come home and still run a household with the men offering little to no help in doing so.
And then they still wonder why they're already having to call a divorce lawyer a few years into the marriage.
You owe it not just your partner, but yourself to make every effort to help make a household go.
Your partner is not your mother.  She may become the mother of your children, if she hasn't already done so, but she is not duty-bound to be your household servant or sex slave.
It doesn't work that way.  You're fooling no one but yourself if you think otherwise.
And because you may have grown up in a home where Mom submitted to Dad's every demand, doesn't mean that's the way everywhere.  It does not excuse you.
You do not make the most of your family time by doing outside activities like going to the bar after work, volunteering for charity/community activities and more or less filling up your calendar with everything but family time.
When I come home from work and sit down to dinner, we have a policy in place.  At dinner time, we do not have cell phones, iPods, or other electronic devices at the table at any time and for any reason.
And I've said it to my daughter many times:
"Dinner time is family time."
No phones are answered.  We have voice mail for a reason.  If it's that important, whomever is calling will leave a message.  Then we can decide whether to pick up or not.
We spend time talking about our day.  Our days at work, and Savannah's day at daycare.
Paraphrasing a quote from Dora the Explorer, we always ask her, "What was your favorite part of the day?"
The answer is often without exception, "when Mommy came to pick me up at school."
She reciprocates the question to us.
Our answers don't often vary from this:
"Coming home and having dinner with my family".
As career-focused as I have been over the past 25 years, I somehow have managed to shelve my overly zealous career goals long enough to enjoy the time I have with them.
Because as I get older, I realize that with every passing day, my daughter grows a little more, I age a little more, and I find myself reminiscing of the days when she was a tiny jet-black-haired bundle of babbling baby fat.
They won't last forever, as my wife had reminded me some time ago before my work hours were adjusted to fit a more family-friendly schedule.  Had I not been blessed as I have been to work for such understanding people, my marriage might have been in trouble.
But I'm also underestimating the power of my wife.
So what's the point of all this?
Don't take anything for granted.
Nothing.
Most importantly, don't wait until it's too late or near it to realize that you should take nothing in life for granted.
It took my former boss (also one of the toughest friends I've ever had) a cardiac near-miss at 44 to realize this.  While it took some time for that self-admitted workaholic to adjust to it, he eventually did.
As did I.
And the day I stop, is the day I'm in trouble.


NEXT WEEK:   The Great Outdoors

The Promise of the Prom

Make no mistake, these are the best years of your child's life.
"What exactly are the halcyon days of my youth," asks the first namesake in the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip of his father.  "Is Saturday one?"
"I believe they're awarded retroactively when you grow up," is Calvin's dad's reply.
And one is definitely the prom.
Despite the changing of the generations, this little aspect of high school life has changed little over the years.
Long lines at the tuxedo rental shop and at the florist.  Those with tickets getting out of school for half the day in order to get ready.
Washing and waxing the family car, or a nicer vehicle if an extended family member was willing to provide one.
There was the prom...and if your school was fortunate enough, there was the after-prom party that lasted all night and into the early morning hours.
This was the school's way of ensuring that kids didn't continue the fun with an all-night beer blast afterwards, keeping the fun in a relatively controlled environment.
When the chaperones opened the doors and the bleary-eyed couples, with ties undone and high heels in hand, yawned their ways towards the parking lot and to their waiting cars.  Or limos to the more fortunate ones.
Then came breakfast and then taking your date back to their home.
For some, the fun didn't end.
After a quick nap, barely enough time to recharge, many friends regrouped later in the day for a picnic, party or  day at the lake.
The point of all this is, reflect on yours as a time of happiness that you will fail to forget.  And, share it with your son or daughter.
And that fact that you did it without alcohol.
Lie about it if you have to.
Yes, you heard that correctly.
According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, between 2006 and 2010, the month of May had the most alcohol-related traffic fatalities for 16-to-19 year-old during the school year.
And let your child know that you understand how easily kids are led by peer pressure.  Even those who grow up in households with the most solid moral foundations are susceptible.
Yes, even yours.  Don't even think for a minute that they aren't.
Avoid the 'not my kid' approach.  Regardless of what you think, your child is making much of his or her own decisions now.  And without you.
Tell your child that you respect him or her enough to make the right decisions, but that you'll still be there for them.
If they run into trouble, such as drinking alcohol, or saying to 'friends' who boot them from their car to the side of the road, they can still call home.
And when they do, tell them you'll be right there.
And then shut up...for the time being.
That's what I said.
No questions asked.
If you want to talk about it, do it later.  Like when you've had time to wrap your brain around it and offer your child a chance to explain it later.
And do so in a calm, rational manner.  Don't just talk.  Listen as well.
Your child already knows what pushes your buttons.  After all, they've known you their entire lives.  And you should know what pushes theirs in kind.
If you don't, you need to get to understand your child better.
The day will come when they will transcend the parent-child relationship in adulthood, when you both will be peers.
Scary thought, isn't it?
Adolescence is a time when those who are a part of it are caught between boy and man and girl and woman.  How many times have you said to your own child "if you want to be treated like a grownup, act like one!"
And how many times have you, as an adult, gotten behind the wheel of a car after drinking, having second thoughts about doing so, yet did it anyway?
Is that acting like a responsible adult?
Yeah, the pot just called the kettle black now, didn't it?



NEXT WEEK:  Partnership in Parenting

Driven to Succeed

In the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, you cannot receive a learner's permit to drive until you are 16 years of age.
However, you can apply for the permit 60 days before you turn 16.
Growing up in the 1980s, me and my friends champed at the bit in the final weeks of our time as fifteen-year-olds.  Literally checking off days on the calendar until the sixty-day window opened.
We thumbed through the book and had it memorized by heart.  We were ready.
We took the test, and we passed.  Now the time was to practice for the road test.
I think my dad kept a cardiologist on retainer during this period.
And within a couple months (or several) after our birthdays, we had the coveted prize that we proudly displayed in our wallets.
Most everyone among my peers had a driver's license by this time.  The ones who didn't were usually girls.
Lately, the trend has been reversing.
A growing number of boys have been lax in getting their driver's licenses.  Not because they can't pass the tests, but for whatever reason, haven't prioritized it.
They're content to be chauffeured.
Most girls now get their driver's license right at 16 or soon after.  And...they're hauling their boyfriends around from place to place.
In other words, if the boy asks the girl out on a date, she has to do the driving.
Indulge me while I adorn my Grumpy Old Man hat for a moment.
After all, I AM an Old School Dad.
In my day, every girl in school would run a guy out of town on a rail if he asked her out on a date and then said she had to drive!
It was social suicide.  But today, many girls are perfectly content to pick up their guy and do the driving.
I do find one benefit of this...the chances of going 'parking' are much less if a girl's in charge of the steering wheel.
Having a daughter, this makes me sleep a little better at night.
At least for now.
I actually learned to drive at the age of 14.  When I got my first car.
Yeah, you heard that right.
"By the time you get it fixed up," my dad said, "You'll be 16."
He wasn't kidding.
Fifty years ago, most people owned one car.  Dad usually walked to the office, or mill, or whatever.  Or he took the bus.
But he still had a driver's license and regularly kept it up.
The car was used sparingly if Mom had to run to the market or when Dad took the family on a Sunday drive.
This explains why most homes built in the 1950s had only single-car garages.
If you don't live in a major metropolitan city, you need a car.  It's a part of adult life.
Yet some kids don't get this...and neither do their parents.
Parents may think they have the upper hand because they know where their kid is at all times.
Guess what...you're setting yourself up for trouble.
By not encouraging your child to have this level of independence, they can't be expected to develop further independence later on in life.
Do you really want your child, soon to be a 30-year-old, still living at home and not working?
And with no prospects?
Me neither.


NEXT WEEK:   Prom Promise

Father Knows Best Knowing Nothing

"Think about your father!  He doesn't know where anything is...you ask him to do something, he messes it up!"
That excerpt is from the 1982 concert film "Bill Cosby: Himself", recorded in 1983 at Hamilton Place Theatre in Hamilton, Ontario.  Just about everyone in the world has seen it.
"That's a genius at work!  Because he doesn't want to do it!  And he knows that someone will be coming soon to stop him from doing it!"
I often wonder about that.
Particularly that Cos might be right on the money for this one.
If you want to undo everything you've tried to accomplish as a parent, ask your own parents to babysit your children for you one evening.
You can write them a detailed list ten pages long, laminated and placed in a three-ring binder for future use, and you'll find said list under a pile of books in front of an empty bookshelf in the family room when you come home afterwards.
And by the time you have the house cleaned up, (this may involve a HAZMAT team) it'll be time to ask them for their services again.
And you ask yourself "why didn't I hire a babysitter?"
Again and again and again.
Because you believe that you're doing your parents a favor...by giving them another opportunity to spend time with their grandchild, rather than the usual Sunday visits.
Read between the lines.
Your parents know your visitation patterns.  How long visits are, and especially how your child behaves when given the right amount of sweets.
Despite recent studies that say sugar doesn't cause hyperactivity, I find that study highly open to argument.
And so do your parents.
They didn't get as far as they did in life by being stupid.  You might not understand, and they will never tell you, but there is a method to their madness.
After all, they survived having you as their child.
And they let YOU live.
They pump your kid full of sugar and turn them loose on you when it's time to go home.  Because the kid will act up and YOU will have to be the bad guy.
Back to Cos for a moment.
"Oh my parents smile NOW!  When they come over to my house and see how much trouble I'm having!  Oh, they have a ball!  'Having a little trouble...huh, son?'"
And they're high-fiving each other the moment you back out of the driveway.
But a smart parent will know how to cope with this.  I call it the counter-attack.
Good weather for backyard play will enable a parent to take their child outside and have them burn off all that excess energy.  If you don't have ample backyard space, a local park will do just fine.
The resultant fatigue and eventual sugar crash, after a good dinner and bath, will put your child in a Stage 3 coma until the following morning.
Possibly you too, but it'll be the best sleep you ever had. 
And every parent needs all he or she can get.


NEXT WEEK:  Driving You Crazy