D-I-V-O-R-C-E...Part II

They say the kids suffer the most when it happens.
That's no lie.
Despite any parent's best efforts to shield their offspring from such a horrible societal reality, it always damages the children in one way or another.
The happy union of husband and wife has been divided into two very separate and distinct camps, with kids acting as 'double agents' for divorced parents of the following types:
There's the 'candyman', who lavishes the kids with money or presents to retain their love and affection and to camouflage their own guilt for poor choices that may have led to the dissolution of the union.
The psychologist...the one who 'guilts' the kids out of their feelings of affection for the other parent with phrases like 'he/she only wants you around when it's convenient', or other words to strengthen their defense.
The accountant...the one who asks the kids to peek in the checkbook, to see what they're spending money for.
The terrorist...the one who threatens the other parent by disclosing details, sometimes explicit, of the circumstances surrounding the dissolution of the union to the kids.
The investigator...the one who demands a complete start-to-finish recap from the kids of what all was said and done during a weekend visit, and if there were any 'third parties' present.
The attorney...this goes hand-in-hand with The Investigator.  That's the one where the parent demands the recap from the child in writing, and ready to present to a real lawyer for leverage in demanding more money in child support or reduced visitation rights.
Any parent who uses a child as leverage to hurt a former spouse/partner needs to have his or her head examined.  Unless of course, a parent commits acts that are criminal in nature or dangerous to their child.
But in most cases, this is not the case.  Nonetheless, the two bickering parents cease to see each other anymore as partners and determine each other to be capital criminals.
Nothing will effectively cheat a kid out of his or her childhood more than a judgement of divorce.  Why exacerbate it by tearing the child in half?
If you have a Bible handy, refer to 1 Kings 3:25.  This will put it in greater perspective.
And for those of you who are 'unaffiliated', here's yours...no human being has been personal property of another in this country since December 6, 1865.
Melodramatic?  Maybe.
But it's food for thought.
When I see my daughter running, jumping, playing, or even acting up to the point where I have to discipline her, I never lose sight of the fact that these are the best years of her life.
Years containing days of making friends, drawing pictures, reading her books, playing with the stuffed Minnie Mouse she's had since a baby, watching Dora the Explorer, and those giving way to the desires of a school-age child, then an adolescent, are all she should be concerned with.  That, and schoolwork plus the occasional chore.
Anything more than that is simply unfair.
Fortunately, age and experience has taught me over the years that with very few exceptions, no one parent is entirely at fault for a marriage's end.
Even my own have come to accept accountability to some degree for their own failure.  In an ironic twist, it has had its benefits.
It's taught me to be a better husband and father.
And every little thing I do, and don't do, affects my family.



NEXT WEEK:   You Made Your Bed, now...

D-I-V-O-R-C-E...Part I

We all do it.
We spell out words we don't want our young children to understand.
From C-A-N-D-Y to B-A-T-H.
Hence the title you see above.
Country queen Tammy Wynette even had a chart-topper of the title of this week's column back in 1968...at a time when divorce still had yet to be fashionable.
As a child of divorce, I know the pain of it all.
Divorce is never easy.  It shouldn't be perceived as such.
Yet marriages are cast aside in such a careless manner, and with no regard to the offspring created by said union.
For such a sacred union, marriage isn't easy.  Yet state laws undermine it by making no-fault divorce sound as easy as a simple phone call.  Then once the papers are served, it's all but that.
"The number one reason why couples don't stay together is selfishness."
That's from the pastor who performed our marriage ceremony on September 16, 2006.
Yes, I remember my anniversary.
I have short-term memory issues.  Yet my wife has a near-eidetic memory.  Despite my challenges to remember to take out the garbage on Monday nights, I do remember that.
And her birthday.  November 25th.
Why do I remember these things?
Because it's important to her.  And me.
Her happiness is my happiness.
"A happy wife is a happy life."  Words of wisdom from the guy who remodeled my bathroom.
Even after six years of marriage and three years of parenthood.
Can I do better as a parent?
Absolutely.  And as a husband.
And I've heard it all.
"It won't affect the kids...we're going to share custody...unlimited visitation rights, etc."
You're not fooling anyone but yourself.
It DOES affect the kids.
The little things you take for granted, a little one takes to heart.
While I was single and child-free, living in Detroit while in my mid-20s, I spotted a series of billboards dotting the interstates throughout the Metro Detroit area.
The billboards are designed to represent a small child's crayon-and-paper artwork, with a little girl's crying face, and next to it, this caption:
"I need BOTH parents".
Though marriage and family were the furthest things from my mind at that point in my life, I couldn't help but feel tears well up in my eyes and a lump form in my throat as I sped down I-696 at 80 miles an hour, trying to forget that image.
I didn't.  Because I couldn't.
My own personal experience and the numerous billboards throughout the area saw to that.
I made a promise to myself soon after that I was not going to marry just to get married, because of societal or familial pressure.  Even if it meant never finding 'the one'.
I wasn't going to 'settle' for just anyone, and then have it all come undone a few years and a couple kids later.
And once I did, I wasn't going to take my wife for granted.  I was going to do everything I knew how to keep my marriage and family strong.
Because that little crying face on that billboard could be my own little girl.
And it could be yours.
Be better today than you were yesterday.  Then perpetuate it.


NEXT WEEK:  Part II

Your Turn, Ladies

In last week's column, I mentioned my perspective of dating a single mom, including a Top Ten list.
Hey, the Top Ten list is NOT trademarked!  Besides, Letterman's not going to be around forever.
But here goes:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DATING A 'DAD' WHEN:

10.  He offers to fix EVERYTHING...whether you ask him to or not.
9.    He gravitates towards 'cheap' dates.
8.    He either spends too little or too much...no middle of the road.
7.    He tries to be 'hip', but is greatly uncomfortable doing so.
6.    His wardrobe mostly consists of jeans, sweats, flannel shirts, and ball caps.
5.    He drives a 'buy here pay here' vehicle.
4.    You look around his home and realize how much of a 'woman's touch' it needs, and that you need C4 to make that happen.
3.    His idea of an 'outdoor date' usually involves fishing.
2.    You ask him about his kids and after a few minutes of that, he changes the subject.
1.    He may never say it, but his kids come first and he is not afraid to DIE for them.

It's too bad, but dads often get a bad rap.  Fortunately, the societal winds have shifted and lessened the liabilities upon the family patriarch.
Despite a growing number of couples living together out of wedlock, the divorce rate in this country still remains high.  Attorneys specializing in divorce are able nowadays able to extract child support from the mother (and in some cases even alimony), especially with more professional women in the workforce these days.
Men won't express their feelings or bare their souls easily for their spouses, never mind dates or girlfriends.  No matter how much society has progressed, we're still taught from a very early age that 'boys don't cry'.  And those among the strongest of us who have entrusted our vulnerability to another, may have had that trust betrayed by getting divorce papers served to him at work while the locks are being changed at the house.
Don't get me wrong.  In cases of abuse where the spouse or children are endangered, this is the only recourse, and I would support that.
But this happens even in cases where the wife is just tired of her husband, bored with the role of wife, and wants out.
Ladies, if you choose to date a dad, you will face having to deal with his baggage.  You may have issues of your own, but you have to tackle his as well.
Men too are vulnerable human beings.  The difference is we internalize.  Women may turn to their friends or extended family for support.  We're expected to suck it up and move on...no questions asked.
We can't let you in until you earn that trust from us.  And it may take a very long while.
If it takes a long while to earn yours, it takes longer to earn ours.
So the question you need to ask yourself is this:
Can you wait that long?


NEXT WEEK:  Children of Divorce

Are You Ready?

This one's for all you single guys who have never been married nor have had any children.  But you're about to take that giant leap.
Marriage.  Then kids.
And then there's some of you who might decide that you don't mind dating someone who already has kids.
You might not get serious about it, but it will open your eyes.
Dating single moms is unlike any other dating experience you will ever have.
Spontaneous, are ya?  Better rid yourself of that right off the bat. And here's a Top Ten list to get you started.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DATING A 'MOM' WHEN...

10.  She is either constantly texting or on a cell phone throughout the date...with her kids or their caregiver.
9.    She brings a gym bag full of extra clothing on an "outdoors" date, for herself AND you.
8.    Your plans take a backseat to whatever happens in her kids' lives at any given moment...sometimes at the very last minute.
7.    She does not know (or care) that she's wearing 'mom jeans'.
6.    Most of her footwear is made up of flip-flops and 'backless' shoes.
5.    She flat-out asks you if you expect sex on an 'overnight' date.  
4.    She could care less of what you think of her 'practical' family car.
3.    If you're stuck in a traffic jam and in danger of missing your dinner reservation, she offers you crackers she keeps in her purse and, if you do lose the reservation, it's not the end of the world.
2.    She doesn't mind where the date is, as long as it's 'out' and with adult company.
1.    She hints to you that her kids come first...and means it.

Personally, I didn't avail myself to single moms until about a decade ago, once I noticed how much the dating pool had shrunk for childless single men my age (I was 32 going on 33) or near it.  And after going out with a few single moms, it did open my eyes.
Though I ultimately married a single woman close to my own age who had no children, I began to appreciate the single mom and how much different she is compared to the single childless woman.
A single mom is incapable of B.S.  She's heard the stupid pick-up lines.  After all, she had kids with a man who didn't measure up in the end.  She sees the world with different eyes than she did when she first married.
And if you've dated single childless women with high standards, prepare to go higher...way WAY higher.
There are no games here.  Don't even bother trying to fool her...you won't succeed.
She doesn't 'date' if she can avoid it.  You may go out on a date with her, and you should consider it a privilege to be on one with her.
You most likely will have been 'fixed up' by a mutual friend or met online.  She will have done her homework on you first.  And if you've met her in a bar, she will likely want to get to know you there, and then decide from there if she wants to go on a date with you.
If you're fortunate enough to get that date, it's one thing.  For her to accept another one is another.
Because you will likely be the only one from that point on.
And she will expect it of you in kind, though she might not say it outright.
You will have to live in the shadow of her previous mate.  You will have to accept the fact that you are second to her children and always will be.
That means being a man and sucking it up.
That's right...get over your ego.  Now.
It also means letting her take the lead in raising them.  Provide support.  Nothing more unless she tells you and her kids otherwise.  Don't try to crack the whip...that blood bond does not exist.  It will only cause resentment.
With many more special-needs kids being diagnosed these days, you will inherit all of the challenges that come with them.  Be prepared.
But you have to get all your cards on the table.  She has no problem with you being direct.  She most likely ended her first marriage in a face-to-face.  If she can survive that (and she has), she can handle anything.
Yes, even if you want to talk about having a child of your own, even though she may say she's done having babies, though the door is physically still open.
Contrary to myth, they're not the weaker sex.  They outlive us by a good five years, minimum.
You have to tell someone what you want or you don't get it.  You be direct with her, she will be direct with you.
She will not change to please you.  Nor will she expect you to change to please her...well, at least not within reason.
If you can deal with ALL of this, then you're ready.
Not some...ALL.
There's no 'halfway' on this one.  So use your head.



NEXT WEEK:  The Other Side